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Original poster

3 year old nephew attacking my 1 year old how do i speak with my dsis about it

51 replies

ARV1981 · 11/12/2016 09:49

My nephew is three. He's started to attack my 1 year old ds and other children. He's turned really nasty with other kids (but is super sweet one on one). I love dnephew to bits but I'm scared he'll really my ds or another child.

I know nephew's behaviour is for his parents to deal with. I know this. BUT yesterday he pushed another child down some stairs and the pushed over my ds who's just started walking.

My dh says I have to say something to my dsis (nephew's mum), but she's my big sister and I don't really know how to iyswim?

What can I say without sounding like an overprotective helicopter mum (been accused of that from dsis as ds has a lot of allergies so I have to watch him like a hawk) or like I'm interfering with her parenting?

We will all get together again on boxing day for ab Xmas celebration at my mum's house. I know dnephew will be a pain then because of the excitement but I really don't want a huge family row. I'm actually considering calling off on it but that would upset my mum.

Rock and hard place for me!!!

OP posts:
Mungobungo · 11/12/2016 11:40

Errrrr, tell him off...

I can't understand why there is such an issue nowadays with gently correcting the behaviour of other peoples kids - especially another family members. My nieces and nephews have all gone through little shit stages but if we see them being shits, we deal with it there and then, rather than waiting for the parents themselves to do it at a later time. The kid won't understand why it's being told off unless you catch them in the act and correct it.
And often a gently assertive 'No' from an auntie is far more effective than a lecture from a parent.

KittyVonCatsington · 11/12/2016 11:43

To be fair to your DSIS, OP, she has three children under three and I don't think it is unreasonable of her, when with family, to have assumed someone would have helped her out with supervising her DS, whilst she was dealing with her twins. I am in awe of her dealing with all three to be honest and I am sure she doesn't like his behaviour anymore than you do. She wasn't really given the chance to deal with it as was leaving anyway and you say this all came out after they left.

Just a quick question, as parts of this are confusing; if you were supervising your LO and your DN immediately pushed your LO after pushing the 8 year old down the stairs, were you at the top of the stairs with them as well, as you said you were supervising your LO?

Anyway, I do sympathise OP, as I have a 1 year old and also two boisterous and 'jealous' Dnephews of 3 and 5 and I do have to watch my LO like a hawk. But it never occurred to me to have words with BiL and SiL, as this is all perfectly normal and I do promise that they will grow out of it (the 5 year old is miles better around smaller ones already!)

KittyVonCatsington · 11/12/2016 11:44

Totally agree Mungobungo! great username

oldbirdy · 11/12/2016 11:51

Pushing a child down the stairs deliberately would not be normal. But I don't believe a 3 year old "spitefully" did such a thing. A bumpy boisterous 3 year old probably pushed an 8 year old who was standing at the top of the stairs and fell down. He was bashing into people; he bashed your son over shortly after. That isn't the same as pushing someone with the intention that they will fall down the stairs as a result which I seriously doubt. He made a standard push, normal boisterous but yes, unacceptable behaviour - and there was a bigger consequence because if where it happened. He needs telling that pushing people is dangerous and not allowed, obviously...but don't start thinking a 3 year old is some kind of evil spiteful child who deliberately pushes people down stairs.

PinkSwimGoggles · 11/12/2016 11:55

sorry but you have to take up the behaviour with dn directly if it comes to the safety of your child.
at 3 he should know better but might still have some impulse left.
I have been in a similar situation. dn now calls me shouty aunty. I don't take shit from him.

Original poster
ARV1981 · 11/12/2016 11:56

It is confusing. The next thing dn did after pushing the girl down the stairs was run unto the main room (where we all were) and pushed my boy over. All the adults had been comforting the girl who fell/was pushed.

My dsis is amazing. That's not the issue here. The issue for me is that my dh has said I have to do something to stop my ds getting hurt by dn. I just don't know how to do that. Except cut contact for a hit, which is the last thing I want to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARV1981 · 11/12/2016 11:56

A bit not a hit

OP posts:
oldbirdy · 11/12/2016 12:06

Your dh is being a bit pfb. Your dn has pushed two people. In one case this had a more serious consequence because of where the push took place. You just supervise more closely next time and tell him off if he pushes. Frankly your sister has enough on her plate. I can't believe the vilification and assumptions of mal intent in a 3 year old whose parents have presumably been preoccupied with poorly twin babies. Come on, get a grip, op's dh.

NiceFalafels · 11/12/2016 12:12

It's really simple to deal with. You tell the nephew off/remove toy/do time out as you would if your own child had done it. Then just mention what happened when you see the parents 'oh nephew punched x on the nose with a rattle, so I told him off and removed the rattle. They all look fine now but thought I'd better tell you'

NiceFalafels · 11/12/2016 12:14

Nephew also needs more attention. Can any of the adults give him more 1:1 and positive reinforcement. He's obviously struggling

mummytime · 11/12/2016 12:19

You need to tell your DH to get a grip. At 3 a child has no real idea of consequences - so could be told off for pushing, but would have no idea that the top of the stairs was worse than with a huge pile of cushions behind. Tell your DH he needs to be involved in protecting your DC, by watching over them - and in the not too distant future in making sure your DC doesn't do something "bad". That is parenting.
If he is so worried about DN, then he needs to interact with, play with and watch him more - your sister is doing all she can. You could also explain to DH about how DN feels about being pushed out by the twins.

PotteringAlong · 11/12/2016 12:21

The thing you do is watch your DS more closesly and tell off DN if needed. Cutting contact is a completely ridiculous overreaction.

Quartz2208 · 11/12/2016 12:29

Just say to your dh (and dsis) you will calmly deal with any incidents that arise as you will in a couple of years time when yours does it to his cousins.

HumphreyCobblers · 11/12/2016 12:31

Is it just that he pushed twice?

If so, you are really over reacting. He is three and has had his life turned upside down by the arrival of premature twin siblings, with all the upheaval that ensues.

Even if he is a lot more randomly aggressive, I would just hover a lot at family functions and make sure my child had an adult nearby. I would do this so my dsis didn't have to, she has more than enough on her plate.

OhTheRoses · 11/12/2016 12:50

I think you supervise your own ds like a hawk and if anything untoward happens you call your sis to deal with it and talk to her about a real time incident rather than harking back to a he said she said scenario.

corythatwas · 11/12/2016 15:11

ARV1981 Sun 11-Dec-16 10:25:44
"Cory, is pushing other children down stairs normal?"

Normal is not the same as desirable or not-needing-to-be-dealt-with. But if you are asking about normal, as in happens-quite-frequently-even-in-non-dysfunctional families, then I'd have to say yes. Some time since mine were at this stage, but some memories that immediately spring to mind are:

dd at 3 grabbing newborn baby's arm and pulling hard

dd at 3 throwing hard object at baby's head

nephew at just under 3 pushing ds into the sea

friends' ds at 3/4 throwing sand into eyes of other child (and stuffing new birthday gift full of cheese so it wouldn't work)

other child at CM's biting ds badly enough to leave large bruises on his back

dd at about 3 suddenly taking a bite at a random stranger in the road

also anecdotes about dh being pushed down stairs and hills by elder brother + friend

We had no stairs incidents as I did not leave dd unsupervised on the stairs with little brother until they were both a good deal older- I had good reason not to trust her. She has grown up into a lovely person, but her impulse control took quite a while to develop and her common sense was also not apparent at the age of 3.

Mummytime is spot on:

"At 3 a child has no real idea of consequences - so could be told off for pushing, but would have no idea that the top of the stairs was worse than with a huge pile of cushions behind."

You can punish them for breaking the no-pushing rule, but you can't get cross with them for not understanding that there's pushing and pushing.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 11/12/2016 16:02

ARV1981, with your DSis having her hands full at the moment, I think the only way you can realistically prevent this happening is if you make SURE that both you and your DH watch out for your DS like a hawk.
You will have to extend this form of protection if you go to toddlers play groups as well.
Don't be misguided in thinking that because it is poor/dangerous behaviour, that all mothers will correct their DC's behaviour, because lots of them turn a blind eye.

Original poster
ARV1981 · 11/12/2016 18:05

Thanks, I've had more chat with dh. We're going to see what happens and just never leave dn alone with the other children. You're all right: He does need more 1:1 with the grownups.

The twins turned 1 last week so aren't exactly new, but I get what you all mean. I do accept my sis has a lot on her plate, and is finding it all very difficult.

I am fully aware that I'm going to be facing similar issues myself in the near future.

I don't think my dn is spiteful. I think pushing someone down stairs is spiteful but I recognise it wasn't him being spiteful, he didn't know the consequences so can't be. I absolutely adore dn, of course I do, he's wonderful when he's not behaving badly.

OP posts:
Original poster
ARV1981 · 11/12/2016 18:17

It's not just two pushes btw. He kicks the babies in the face, pushes them over, pulls their hair and throws things at them. The pushing ds over yesterday was a bit of a last straw for dh. But he's calmed down about it for now.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 11/12/2016 23:10

Well done, OP, for calming your dh down. Just keep reminding him that it will almost certainly pass and in a year he will have forgotten about it.

The boy who pushed ds into the sea has grown into a lovely caring teenager, dd and ds are very close, and dd (20 years old and in a customer-facing job) has stopped biting random strangers in the street.

This too shall pass.

NiceFalafels · 11/12/2016 23:20

The important thing is that you both hold him in good regard as he will pick up on any undercurrents. If he feels good, he will be good.

DailyFail1 · 11/12/2016 23:30

I would raise it and argue about it even if needed. It's definitely not normal for a 3 year old to be deliberately pushing much younger children downstairs. They should have been taught already how dangerous it is. I agree that you should stop socializing for a bit too

NiceFalafels · 12/12/2016 05:50

It's fine to have a break. You could always say that your kids are worrying about their DS hurting them again and so you're going to give them a break.

Original poster
ARV1981 · 12/12/2016 06:25

The child who was pushed down the stairs is older - 8.

I think we've worked out that it's ok for us to discipline my dn and that that's the kindest thing to do with him if he is naughty. I think the best way of doing that is to take him off somewhere else, get down to his level and tell him what he did that was wrong and why its wrong and tell him he can say sorry if he wants to (he doesn't really know what sorry means yet, I have been told) to the person/animal he's hurt. Give him lots of encouragement when he does play nicely with the other children, which does happen sometimes as well. Maybe we don't give him enough positive reinforcement when he's good.

I think he gets overexcited and as my dsis often has her hands full with the twins he maybe doesn't get as much mummy as he should in an ideal world. So auntie maybe needs to step in sometimes to give him that positive encouragement on family occasions?

God, it's hard work this child rearing lark! Thank you all for your help btw, really useful to get other opinions. My dh was ready to cut all contact, which would break my heart as I adore my sister's children, your comments helped me form the right kind of "argument" to get the outcome I want. GrinXmas Grin

OP posts:
PinkSwimGoggles · 12/12/2016 07:51

good luck, op.
it does take a bit of courage to tell off other people's children, but has to be done in some cases.
if you take him for outing without his siblings you might find his behaviour is different.
said nephew who call me 'shouty aunty' to his parents is a lovely child when spending time on his own with us.