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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting exh gf?

34 replies

mylifeisamystery · 11/12/2016 08:56

I've asked exh if I can meet his new girlfriend, being as my DD is spending more and more time with her when she goes to see him, is that being unreasonable? I don't want to walk into town and see my DD with a stranger..
I've suggested exh meet my partner but he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Hassled · 11/12/2016 08:58

I think it's completely reasonable. If you get on OK with her it will make everyone's life, and most importantly your DD's life, so much easier. Has he said no?

Underthemoonlight · 11/12/2016 08:59

No I disagree are you going to request you met every partner of your ex's and visa versa?

Original poster
mylifeisamystery · 11/12/2016 09:02

He's ignored me. I've had 2 yrs of bitterness I just want to move on, I guess he does too. I suggested we be adult about it?

OP posts:
GrumpyDullard · 11/12/2016 09:05

I still haven't met my kids' step mum. ExH got remarried in July (our DCs were bridesmaid and page boy) and they've been together at least 2 years in total. It does bug me and I've had some critical comments from other people that I allow my kids to spend time with a woman I've never met (she even has them on her own sometimes) but the kids seem to like her and she seems to go out of her way to be kind to them, so I reckon she must be OK.

In an ideal world, of course you'd meet your exH's DP and he would meet your DP but, as long as you don't have grounds for concern about this other person, I wouldn't make a big fuss about it.

In my case, I think my exH is afraid for us to meet in case we compare notes as I imagine he's told a pack of lies about the reasons for our split.

HeddaGarbled · 11/12/2016 09:06

I can't see any point to be honest. There's nothing you can do if you don't like her. If you see her in town with your daughter, that would be a good time to introduce yourself.

Angleshades · 11/12/2016 09:16

I can understand why you'd want to meet her but I don't think you have a right to meet her. Yanbu by suggesting it but your exdh does have a right to refuse. If he's happy for his dd to be with his new dp then there isn't much you can do about it as long as your dd isn't in any danger of emotional or physical abuse. If your exdh doesn't want you to meet his new dp then you'll have to accept it.

HerOtherHalf · 11/12/2016 09:24

I think a lot depends on your motivation, and your perceived motivation. If it were that you feel you should both be introduced as you are now indirectly linked through your daughter, and are sort of extended family in a 21st century kind of way, then that would be reasonable. If however you feel, or are perceived to fell, that you have a right/need to vet the girlfriend then YABU. Your rationale suggest the latter to me unfortunatelyour and it comes across as childish and controlling.

c3pu · 11/12/2016 09:30

Nope, it's none of your business.

What will you do if you don't approve?

It's his choice of partner, not yours.

cbigs · 11/12/2016 09:32

I agree with above poster, if things have been difficult between you and your ex I really wouldn't bother , I made a point of saying hi to my dp's exw . Shook her hand etc . She still thinks I'm awful and won't use my name in front of the kids SadXmas Hmm ( and no I wasn't ow she left my dp )
To be honest you have to trust his judgement about who he lets into your dd's life unless she seems unhappy in any way I suppose .

scottishdiem · 11/12/2016 09:33

Would you be open to doing things the other way round? He gets to meet and interview your new partner(s)?

Lunar1 · 11/12/2016 09:40

I think it's a perfectly reasonable request. For the reason you have said, they are spending time with her, if I saw my children out with a stranger I don't think I could fight the instincts to take them home with me. I don't think that would happen if I'd met her, and could smile, exchange pleasantries and carry on.

Original poster
mylifeisamystery · 11/12/2016 09:51

I'm not saying I want to be her best mate but if she's taking my DD into town I would like to be comfortable enough to say hi if I see them??

OP posts:
Original poster
mylifeisamystery · 11/12/2016 09:55

I've suggested he meets my partner but he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
ChuckGravestones · 11/12/2016 09:56

I'm not saying I want to be her best mate but if she's taking my DD into town I would like to be comfortable enough to say hi if I see them??

Surely you wouldn't ignore your daughter if you saw her walking in town with her? How odd. And if it is the first time of meeting the new girlfriend, why not just say 'hi, I'm Saffie's mum' and put your hand out to shake hers?

Isn't that just simple common sense?

Original poster
mylifeisamystery · 11/12/2016 10:00

Of course I wouldn't ignore my daughter but if I don't know who she is with surely that is 'odd'?!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 11/12/2016 10:11

No, it's not odd. There are lots of people who are going to be in your daughter's life who you will not have a clue about. Your daughter is in the guardianship of your ex husband so will meet whomever is in his circle. You've asked to breach that circle and meet his girlfriend but that's been declined so you'll have to accept that.

Just because you've offered for him to meet your partner doesn't mean that he has to - and he doesn't want to.

Gently but you're not in charge of 'setting the rules' here. I find that it's very much a case of having to 'feel your way' and letting things evolve (if they do) or not.

Shrug it off and accept that your daughter is safe when with her dad - because she is, isn't she? Just like she's safe when she's with you.

ChuckGravestones · 11/12/2016 10:13

Of course I wouldn't ignore my daughter but if I don't know who she is with surely that is 'odd'?!

So introduce yourself at that point. Not sure what the issue is.

Hermonie2016 · 11/12/2016 10:14

I don't think you need formal meetings, it will happen as you say maybe accidentally.Then you will say Hi and introductions will follow..likely your daughter might say mum, this is x.

eyebrowsonfleek · 11/12/2016 10:14

Your ex is responsible for your dd's safety when it's his time so he can ask his gf or whichever carer to look after dd without him being there.
If you see dd with an unknown person you stop the adult and say "hi. I'm x " and hopefully they'll introduce themselves back.
You won't be able to suss out what she's like over a cuppa so it's pointless really.

donajimena · 11/12/2016 10:18

I don't think you need to meet her. Its not really any of your business. Yes, I get that she will be spending time with your daughter but its up to her father to decide her suitability to step up to care.
As a PP said if you didn't like her what would you do then?

ClassmateHB · 11/12/2016 10:19

You aren't unreasonable to ask. But he's equally not unreasonable to say no. In an ideal world all parties will be civil and friendly, but that doesn't always happen. The hardest bit I find with divorce is knowing your children are with someone else you don't know well.

happychristmasbum · 11/12/2016 11:21

Unfortunately I agree with PP.

There are plenty of people who will be in DDs life that you won't have met - TAs, people who work in activity groups etc. You can't vet everyone.

Just leave it and cross your fingers that DD gets on with her and she is kind.

Thefutureisbright2017 · 11/12/2016 11:32

I agree entirely that its reasonable to meet her, she might be very nice and happy know you too. I'm surprised at peoples reactions tbh. I dont imagine you want to be difficult and create issue with her just get to know someone whos paet of tou DDs life when she stays with ExDH

Petalbird · 11/12/2016 11:34

Agree YABU when your kid is at these dad's it's his choice who his DD spends time with I mean it's not ever going to be possible for you both to introduced every adult that spends time with the DD. I wouldn't even want to meet my DP ex (she's scary though) and I am always with his DC when they visit him.

NeeNahh · 11/12/2016 15:09

My boyfriend arranged for me to meet his ex when it got serious. She didn't request but he thought it would be inappropriate for me to spend loads of time with the children if she didn't know me. I think it's pretty normal to want to know people who are close to your children.