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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stubborn Husband not taking care of himself or families needs

56 replies

chavatar · 10/12/2016 23:27

My husband has good intentions I think, however his stubbornness is damaging out relationship and family dynamic.

We recently bought a new house that needs some work doing to it. We are living in the property which is just about live-able with 2 DCs. Before buying, we agreed that we would pay someone to do most of the work (we can afford to) and DH and I both have stressful jobs.

Fast forward to now. FIL has drummed it into DH that you "never" pay anyone to do a job that you can learn to do yourself. Therefore, DH has changed his mind on employing someone to do the work and has taken it all on himself on top of his stressful job, at Christmas time, with a young family to take care of and heap of other problems going on.

DH is learning as he goes so everything is taking much longer and the house is upside down. Anyone who visits frowns and says that DH has taken on more than he can handle. I'm fed up of the mess and the lack of time and attention from my DH towards me or the DCS. He's exhausted, his work is suffering, I'm suffering, DCS are suffering but he refuses to give up on the work. It's not doing him any good taking so much on himself. It's not just decorating either, it's big jobs like knocking out walls, plumbing, wiring, plastering and he refuses to back down. FIL is not helping either as he dips in and out helping DH where he can but keeps saying that he's "doing the right thing" by doing all this work himself.

We have no quality of life atm and this is why we go to work in the first place isn't it? To have some quality of life?
Everything has had to go on the back-burner, Xmas, friends, family, everything because he's so determined to do all of this work himself. I've no idea what to do.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/12/2016 06:47

So he has made decisions affecting you and DC and pursued them, to your detriment, and not listened. And expected you to do all the parenting.

I would first seek couples counselling asap and lay it all on the line. If he won't attend or won't agree to getting proper tradespeople in, I would do as Purple suggests. I might even just book thr tradespeople myself to turn up when he's at work: no different to what he's done.

A few days in centreparks will cost a lot, you will likely feel upset the whole time, and won't resolve the problem.

NNChangeAgain · 14/12/2016 06:48

Assuming your DH is employed, I'd suggest that he shares his fathers wisdom with his boss "never pay someone to do something you can learn to do yourself".

Mungobungo · 14/12/2016 07:05

What a plonker!

So he's learning via you tube to do something that it takes trades people years to learn to do properly? Does he not see the false economy right there?

Doesn't he not understand that a DIY job done over a weekend or two has mega potential to cost you far more money in the future to put things right?

You know your DH. What kind of tactic can you use to get through to him? He's not responding to the emotional (I.e the emotional impact on you and DC). Would he be more likely tontakr notice of a carefully thought out costing sheet? E.g. Showing him exactly how much/little he's saving, taking into account his hourly pay and yours too. You can also add to the costings sheet, the cost of alternative accommodation for you and the DC as point out that it is inappropriate for your DC to be living in an unfinished and potentially unsafe property (if hes pissing about with electrics).
Show him that contractors can come in and do the big stuff and he can then finish up himself with the 'final fix' - decorating and such like.

Ultimately he's being a selfish prat and can't expect you to live there while he arses around at his little hobby. Try a different tactic. Get someone in to give a quote while he's out at work to give an idea of how much money he's not saving and lay it on the line that you can't live there any longer.

OR give him an estimated finish date and if he doesn't finish by then, tell him that someone else will be brought in to finish it. And if FIL mentions it in front of you, thank him for his offer of help and tell him you'll expect him the following weekend to help DH finish on time to improve living conditions for his grandkids. Get passive aggressive. Your DH and his Df need a short sharp shock to wake them up and make them realise that they're being idiots.

NapQueen · 14/12/2016 07:09

Is he trying to get out of doing any parenting?

You can outsource the maintenance. Can't really outsource his share of home life.

HardLightHologram · 14/12/2016 07:23

Dh had these tendencies when we met. He bought his flat in his early twenties and didn't move in for three years while he redid the bathroom, kitchen etc himself.

When we bought our first house i put my foot down, fortunately I had a small inheritance that paid for the kitchen so we had builders and kitchen fitters in. Fortunately our current house is a new build so there should be no work needed for years.

BIL is the same, he did his own bathroom and it took years (and looks like most people's 'before' pictures if I'm honest). His current project is the kitchen. I've been with dh for ten years and BIL has been talking about doing it for that whole time. The old kitchen is literally broken. It's not a matter of not affording it, he paid his mortgage off years ago and he and sil both work full time, it's just that he doesn't see the logic in paying someone when he can do it himself.

Like your dh, this comes from FIL. Although he and MIL have paid for work in the last few years because they can afford to. I get the impression they did diy because they had to, and fully embrace paying someone if you can afford it.

mortgagefreesoon5 · 14/12/2016 07:43

I think it's a question of self esteem op, not wanting to lose face. Although he is being unreasonable, he won't stop. Most of the hard work has been done by him now, can you get sb in for a couple of days ( it ll be more) to finish it off?
I ve got friends who do projects like that, they all say they have done it themselves but on a closer look they have got the odd days with an electrician, bricklayer, joiner etc so not quite on their own
Life is too short
Your FIL is selfish, he just wants a project, sthg to do when is convenient for him, kind of like a hobby.....maybe he could take on bowling or sthg

growapear · 14/12/2016 07:50

Some of the replies are somewhat harsh. Tread gently, he's obviously busting an absolute gut with all the work so it's unlikely that he'll take the sort of "feedback" on his efforts suggested here well. I think his intentions are pretty honourable although clearly he's taken on too much. Maybe you could suggest that you take responsibility for one bit, and then you can get it done professionally and convince him that this is the best approach ?

doingitdifferentlytoday · 14/12/2016 08:50

Years ago I moved myself and DC out for a short while whilst DH realised he'd have to either take time off work to complete the pressing issue. Or pay to get it done by contractors.

He was furious I'd moved out. I was only 5 mins away and I still cooked his meal every night. But it really made him get it together fast.

In our case it was unsafe so that rather made my mind up. In his eyes I could have done more and not had to move out with toddler and older preschool child.

I couldn't have done more. It was impossible to watch them every waking moment and the house was unsafe.

doingitdifferentlytoday · 14/12/2016 08:54

Posted too soon

If it's affecting your health then tell him gently. And say you've arranged a small short term rental whilst he gets on with the work.

You can still pop back to the house and collect washing and feed him.

Not saying abandon him! Just say you need some finished space for sanity and you'll be close by if he wants to pop in to eat and pick up his clean clothes.

The absence may make him reconsider.

Dozer · 14/12/2016 08:59

If his intentions were "honourable" he would have listened when OP raised her concerns.

Why on earth would OP move out but then visit the house to feed him and do his washing? Shock

llangennith · 14/12/2016 09:10

What Purplewithred said right at the top of this thread and which OP seems to be ignoring.

JennyHolzersGhost · 14/12/2016 09:17

Fuck that shit. Take the kids and move out for a while. Have you got family locally who would have you for a bit ? Then if he persists in not getting the point look for a short term rental.
And I agree with others that this is about a wider issue of respect for you and treating your relationship as a true partnership - I'd be concerned about his lack of respect for you TBH.

Castironfireplace · 14/12/2016 09:29

Is he opting out of parenting? I have a massive garden project at the mo, I'd love to spend hours tinkering but I can't because I have kids and responsibilities.

I'm with the 'sort it out or we move' & id be needing more cash from him to cover the childcare he's opted out of to indulge himself with his diy.

PattyPenguin · 14/12/2016 09:36

You say he's doing wiring, OP. Is he aware of Part P of the Building Regulations? There's a handy guide here, if not www.diyfixit.co.uk/safety-and-regulations/electrical-regulations.html

Also, have you checked with your home insurance provider what the implications are with regard to cover for damage during the work itself and also damage following potential problems with e.g. DIY plumbing?

If you got tradesmen in to do the work, you should always check that they have insurance. Your husband is unlikely to have this if he is not a professional tradesman.

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 10:35

So your partner is looking for approval and would rather impress others with his magnificent achievement rather than acknowledge your very valid concerns?

baconandeggies · 14/12/2016 10:36

You can still pop back to the house and collect washing and feed him.

Whaaaaat?!!!!

rumred · 14/12/2016 10:44

Definitely do your own thing and take a break from your unhappy home. He's acting unreasonably, you have to look after yourself and your children

MiniCooperLover · 14/12/2016 11:10

Why does he get to make unilateral decisions regarding your joint home? Why does he get to refuse to allow a plumber to come in??

NiceFalafels · 14/12/2016 11:16

I would make it very clear to your il's that you are all suffering and that him being a tight wad and selfishly not compromising is effecting you all.

Mrskeats · 14/12/2016 14:54

Doing electrics and working with gas is illegal if you are not qualified.
I've just completely renovated our house and you have to have qualified people or you will fail the inspection when building regs people call.
Second the idea that he may be making your insurance invalid too.
Seriously move out if he won't listen to reason.

expatinscotland · 14/12/2016 15:02

Wow, all these men who are DIY experts but can't work a cooker to feed themselves or a load a washing machine.

Mrskeats · 14/12/2016 15:04

Lol at expat
So true

Joysmum · 14/12/2016 16:17

Doing electrics and working with gas is illegal if you are not qualified

Not true in the case of electrics if you aren't being employed to do it (plus differing rules for non domestic not relevant here). It has to bfobe to industry standards and Part P'd within 5 days of completion.

Mrskeats · 14/12/2016 17:31

Well good luck trying to find an electrician to sign off on an amateurs work
So irresponsible

Mrskeats · 14/12/2016 18:12

And only registered installers can fit a boiler
This type of thing really annoys me. There are fires every year because people just think they can wire a house etc. Sometimes you have to pay a professional.
I'm a teacher but I don't think I can be a doctor as well.