Stubborn Husband not taking care of himself or families needs

[chavatar]

My husband has good intentions I think, however his stubbornness is damaging out relationship and family dynamic.

We recently bought a new house that needs some work doing to it. We are living in the property which is just about live-able with 2 DCs. Before buying, we agreed that we would pay someone to do most of the work (we can afford to) and DH and I both have stressful jobs.

Fast forward to now. FIL has drummed it into DH that you "never" pay anyone to do a job that you can learn to do yourself. Therefore, DH has changed his mind on employing someone to do the work and has taken it all on himself on top of his stressful job, at Christmas time, with a young family to take care of and heap of other problems going on.

DH is learning as he goes so everything is taking much longer and the house is upside down. Anyone who visits frowns and says that DH has taken on more than he can handle. I'm fed up of the mess and the lack of time and attention from my DH towards me or the DCS. He's exhausted, his work is suffering, I'm suffering, DCS are suffering but he refuses to give up on the work. It's not doing him any good taking so much on himself. It's not just decorating either, it's big jobs like knocking out walls, plumbing, wiring, plastering and he refuses to back down. FIL is not helping either as he dips in and out helping DH where he can but keeps saying that he's "doing the right thing" by doing all this work himself.

We have no quality of life atm and this is why we go to work in the first place isn't it? To have some quality of life?
Everything has had to go on the back-burner, Xmas, friends, family, everything because he's so determined to do all of this work himself. I've no idea what to do.

[Naicehamshop]

Sorry - I don't completely understand your post...

He has agreed to getting someone in to finish the work, or he hasn't??

[chavatar]

DH has agreed to getting a professional in to complete the rest of the work. Currently We have half a kitchen installed, which has been the case for 3 weeks now. It's perfectly use able and everything I need I have, but it's such a mess and makes my heart sink.
DH is currently away with friends, "business trip" but not really. And I think he's a bit of a shit to go away and leave us like this.
I cannot move into a rental for other reasons (non-financial) and also it would be pointless now that he just has the kitchen to finish off. You are right though
.. what if I don't like it when he's done and he has to pay someone anyway?

[Softkitty2]

I had a room i wanted re decorated and my MIL offered my FIL to do the it. I said no because although he can, his work is not the same as someone who does it for a living. I am very particular with the finishing and do not like sloppy/amateur work.

If at the end its not up to your standard, you won't like it and someone else will have to come in to do the job. Time wasted

[CanandWill]

I would be booking myself and the DC into a hotel from early next week. I would not return until it was completed.

[TimidLividyetagain]

Can't he get help in and just tell fil and others he did it all himself to keep the fil approval. No one has to know apart from u and dh and the people doing the work

[Viviene12]

To be honest I would just hire the builders behind his back and then just inform him of the fact. But I understand this is not the most preferable way of doing things.

[Mrskeats]

And only registered installers can fit a boiler
This type of thing really annoys me. There are fires every year because people just think they can wire a house etc. Sometimes you have to pay a professional.
I'm a teacher but I don't think I can be a doctor as well.

[Mrskeats]

Well good luck trying to find an electrician to sign off on an amateurs work
So irresponsible

[Joysmum]

Doing electrics and working with gas is illegal if you are not qualified

Not true in the case of electrics if you aren't being employed to do it (plus differing rules for non domestic not relevant here). It has to bfobe to industry standards and Part P'd within 5 days of completion.

[Mrskeats]

Lol at expat
So true

[expatinscotland]

Wow, all these men who are DIY experts but can't work a cooker to feed themselves or a load a washing machine.

[Mrskeats]

Doing electrics and working with gas is illegal if you are not qualified.
I've just completely renovated our house and you have to have qualified people or you will fail the inspection when building regs people call.
Second the idea that he may be making your insurance invalid too.
Seriously move out if he won't listen to reason.

[NiceFalafels]

I would make it very clear to your il's that you are all suffering and that him being a tight wad and selfishly not compromising is effecting you all.

[MiniCooperLover]

Why does he get to make unilateral decisions regarding your joint home? Why does he get to refuse to allow a plumber to come in??

[rumred]

Definitely do your own thing and take a break from your unhappy home. He's acting unreasonably, you have to look after yourself and your children

[baconandeggies]

You can still pop back to the house and collect washing and feed him.

Whaaaaat?!!!!

[baconandeggies]

So your partner is looking for approval and would rather impress others with his magnificent achievement rather than acknowledge your very valid concerns?

[PattyPenguin]

You say he's doing wiring, OP. Is he aware of Part P of the Building Regulations? There's a handy guide here, if not www.diyfixit.co.uk/safety-and-regulations/electrical-regulations.html

Also, have you checked with your home insurance provider what the implications are with regard to cover for damage during the work itself and also damage following potential problems with e.g. DIY plumbing?

If you got tradesmen in to do the work, you should always check that they have insurance. Your husband is unlikely to have this if he is not a professional tradesman.

[Castironfireplace]

Is he opting out of parenting? I have a massive garden project at the mo, I'd love to spend hours tinkering but I can't because I have kids and responsibilities.

I'm with the 'sort it out or we move' & id be needing more cash from him to cover the childcare he's opted out of to indulge himself with his diy.

[JennyHolzersGhost]

Fuck that shit. Take the kids and move out for a while. Have you got family locally who would have you for a bit ? Then if he persists in not getting the point look for a short term rental.
And I agree with others that this is about a wider issue of respect for you and treating your relationship as a true partnership - I'd be concerned about his lack of respect for you TBH.

[llangennith]

What Purplewithred said right at the top of this thread and which OP seems to be ignoring.

[Dozer]

If his intentions were "honourable" he would have listened when OP raised her concerns.

Why on earth would OP move out but then visit the house to feed him and do his washing?

[doingitdifferentlytoday]

Posted too soon

If it's affecting your health then tell him gently. And say you've arranged a small short term rental whilst he gets on with the work.

You can still pop back to the house and collect washing and feed him.

Not saying abandon him! Just say you need some finished space for sanity and you'll be close by if he wants to pop in to eat and pick up his clean clothes.

The absence may make him reconsider.

[doingitdifferentlytoday]

Years ago I moved myself and DC out for a short while whilst DH realised he'd have to either take time off work to complete the pressing issue. Or pay to get it done by contractors.

He was furious I'd moved out. I was only 5 mins away and I still cooked his meal every night. But it really made him get it together fast.

In our case it was unsafe so that rather made my mind up. In his eyes I could have done more and not had to move out with toddler and older preschool child.

I couldn't have done more. It was impossible to watch them every waking moment and the house was unsafe.

[growapear]

Some of the replies are somewhat harsh. Tread gently, he's obviously busting an absolute gut with all the work so it's unlikely that he'll take the sort of "feedback" on his efforts suggested here well. I think his intentions are pretty honourable although clearly he's taken on too much. Maybe you could suggest that you take responsibility for one bit, and then you can get it done professionally and convince him that this is the best approach ?