Friend being blackmailed by her 14 yr old DD

[peppajay]

My friend is being blackmailed by her teenage daughter. Her 14 yr old DD has left home and is now living with her older cousin. She refuses to speak to her mother until her mother gets rid of her stepfather. My friend has 2 yr old twins with her husband so is very complicated. I like her husband but he is strict and when my friend brought her children up alone there was no disipline and when he took her and her children on he wanted rules and respect and He insisted on curfews and dinner round the table all together. My friend is very timid and has always been scared by her DD hence letting her rule the roost. . Her DD can't cope with being told what to do by an adult as has always been allowed to make her own choices. She has been excluded from one school for bad and violent behaviour and is very close to a permanent exclusion from her current school. She is currently living with her 20 yr old cousin as she can do what she wants. Social services don't seem bothered as she is living with a responsible family member. She has been on the phone in tears me to most days this week - it is like she is being made to choose husband or daughter - don't know how to help her or advise her what to do. She regrets the way she brought her children up now and her DD can be violent if she doesn't get her own way. She sees her twins and new husband as her second chance and her twins have rules and routine, but if she keeps her new family unit intact she loses her other DD.

I've seen three DCs through their teens and it strikes me that the 14 yo is by no means solely responsible for this situation. Her mother let her down badly, first by giving her no structure when she was small and later by bringing a new man into her child's life and allowing him to completely revise all the standards the poor girl had grown up with.

The whole bunch need counselling, as a family and individually too. I wonder, from what OP says, whether the DSF would be open to any suggestion that his parenting isn't perfect? Because from where I'm sitting he seems to have been very clumsy, to say the least. Am I right in thinking he hasn't been a parent before?

I feel very sorry for the girl. First no discipline, now too much, and no one really taking care of her at such a vulnerable age.

If some self appointed new father arrived in to my home at that age and started ordering me around I'd up sticks and leave too.

The mother is the key to this. No three year old, unless there are SEN issues, can present behaviour so challenging that the mother is manipulated by it. Let's be clear here, your friend chose this path, possibly through laziness, or a misplaced sense of 'anything for a quiet life.' It is easy to give into kids, much harder to stand firm. Toddlers push against boundaries, but they learn that they won't always get their own way however much they scream and kick off.

This 14 year old still has the toddler mentality of a three year old. Her mother's lack of parenting and boundaries meant that she's kicked against every boundary the school has set her.

Then along comes SF, and of course, she kicks off again.

Her mother had reaped what she's sown. Her mother needs to take responsibility here, rather than passing the buck. She's way too passive in all of this and always has been. Her daughter, her boundaries. The SF then supports her in these boundaries and together they present a united front. Your friend must stop hiding behind her husband, take control with her daughter. She should contact her, tell her she has a home and is loved, and set out her boundaries.

Young kids need boundaries and structure and after they've pushed them, they usually realise that they're there for their own good. They make them feel secure and valued. "I love you enough to say no" is the message they understand. This troubled teen has never felt this security, and that is your friend's fault.

The submissive little woman act will not earn her daughter's respect. Whether she is naturally strong or weak, she must step up and sort this. The buck stops with her.

Well said, Myoriginal. And I agree with everything Cary said too. OP's description of the daughter "blackmailing" her DM is way out of line. OP's friend created this situation, first by poor parenting and later by bringing this new man into her DD's life. It is DM who needs to tackle this.

Damn those pesky highly strung manipulative 3yos! I mean what can a mum do? It's not like you can actually parent a toddler...oh,wait!
It's no surprise she's giving in this time as well... after all dd either comes home with her tail between her legs,or stays gone(happy days) .

Are you the stepdad?

I think you might well be right, Lunar.

I didn't want to say it either lunar but that's my suspicion

I feel sorry for the teenager. Brought up by allegedly weak mother who lets her rule the roost, then in comes new stepdad changing the dynamic totally, installing massively stricter rules, plus twin half siblings who no doubt take up loads of the mum's attention - and she's the fly in the ointment of their perfect new family .

I don't think the mother can be totally to blame for her child getting away with murder as a toddler. If she has been abandoned by her husband and has a difficult and manipulative child to bring up on her own, she may well have suffered severe depression and exhaustion - an easy option in thesis circumstances is to give in for a quiet life.

perhaps there are no villains here (except for original dad) and only victims.

At 14 she knows right from wrong. As she's not getting what she wants she's trying to get rid of the person who is making things better altogether. I think your friend will just have to let her get on with it. If SS won't help there is not much she can do. If she gives in her daughter will never change.

Flappys well OP already has a villain for her story. The highly strung,manipulative,difficult,blackmailing child.

Fair enough, Flappys, I can see how that could happen. But don't you see how deeply disloyal it is to then turn round and blame the child for not having learnt how to behave? If the mother wasn't able to teach her, should she have taught herself? At the age of 3?

Lots of us have had difficult children (very reluctant to use the word manipulative about a 3yo). It doesn't absolve us from our responsibilities as adults. And if a parent has been unable to meet a child's needs due to MH issues, that is not the time to turn round and blame the child, whether to her face or when gossiping to a friend.

Again, it is common sense that you cannot suddenly move into a child's life when they are already set in their ways and suddenly move all the goal posts, however excellent your own boundaries may be. Anyone would resent that.

That poor kid. Of course she doesn't want to come "home" - she believes she's not wanted there. It's the perfect little family unit and there's no place for her. Everything she does is wrong, she's constantly in trouble at home where the goalposts have been moved drastically, she's been replaced with two smaller, more controllable siblings who'll get most of the positive attention (twins, plus there'll be a lot of "aren't they cute" comments and photos etc, especially if they're the SFs first kids). She's the naughty kid at school too - where exactly can she feel wanted?

At her cousin's house. Where she probably isn't constantly told off or expected to be a hassle.

Can't you remember being a miserable teenager? It feels like the world is against you. You over analyse everything, and you'll definitely pick up on your family role.

Tough love won't work here. She won't see love, just more rejection.

flappys I disagree. Even if the mother was struggling, she owed it to her child to be there for her. We cannot simply use potential MH as an excuse and then blame the child for the end result.

WannaBe

You have obviously never experienced deep depression. It can be truly debilitating, physically as ell as mentally and emotionally.

I was speculating, obviously, about what may have happened. None of us know for a fact what is motivating this girl, nor what affected her mother - who might actually have spoiled her, trying to make up for the wase-of-space father who naffed off!

It can't be easy for any child to have a step-parent, especially when half-siblings are born who will take up so much of the mother's time as well. Coupling this with the usual teenage angst, and problems at school - maybe she's trying desperately to get some control over her life. Perhaps she feels that everything is spiralling away from her and that she (as Viking suggests) is not wanted. It's a very sad situation whatever the cause.

Flappys, I have not experienced deep depression, but I have lived with people who have, and they would never in a hundred years have blamed a young child for what went wrong during their illness. They may have been unable to get out of bed, but they were still fundamentally decent people. The way the mother clearly talks to the OP about her own child is not pleasant.

At 14 she knows right from wrong

Not unless she was taught. Both by words and example.

People don't, unless they are taught.