Friend being blackmailed by her 14 yr old DD

[peppajay]

My friend is being blackmailed by her teenage daughter. Her 14 yr old DD has left home and is now living with her older cousin. She refuses to speak to her mother until her mother gets rid of her stepfather. My friend has 2 yr old twins with her husband so is very complicated. I like her husband but he is strict and when my friend brought her children up alone there was no disipline and when he took her and her children on he wanted rules and respect and He insisted on curfews and dinner round the table all together. My friend is very timid and has always been scared by her DD hence letting her rule the roost. . Her DD can't cope with being told what to do by an adult as has always been allowed to make her own choices. She has been excluded from one school for bad and violent behaviour and is very close to a permanent exclusion from her current school. She is currently living with her 20 yr old cousin as she can do what she wants. Social services don't seem bothered as she is living with a responsible family member. She has been on the phone in tears me to most days this week - it is like she is being made to choose husband or daughter - don't know how to help her or advise her what to do. She regrets the way she brought her children up now and her DD can be violent if she doesn't get her own way. She sees her twins and new husband as her second chance and her twins have rules and routine, but if she keeps her new family unit intact she loses her other DD.

Cheeky my DD went totally off the rails - arrested , expelled , violent towards me , it was the worse time ever .

She's an adult now and a totally different person , thank god . She has no idea why she behaves the way she did , some teens have an awful time transitioning to adulthood.

I read some interesting articles about what happens to the adolescent brain , sometimes it literally breaks and has to rebuild itself .

I do wonder how many posters on this thread have teens.

caro wise up to how teenagers work!!

Jeez, this place!

It must be upsetting for her but if the 14 year old is indoors, fed and clothed then she’s just going to have to let it be for know. A text or call to say “This is your home whenever you decide to come back to it.”

Dear HeavenlyEyes and BratFarrarsPony

Is there a local grip shop where both of you could get one? The step dad sounds great. Turns up into a situation where chaos rules and sets boundaries. An unruly teenager strops off and he stands firm. Why assume abuse? I’m no expert on these things but surely that’s not the way these things work? I thought that the modus operandi was to establish a warm trusting relationship and then break that trust,

Daughter can't be allowed to call the shots. If OP's friend gives in she will have lost her husband (whom we can assume she loves) and will be other own with three children 2 toddlers and a demanding teenager.

I think this is just a young girl who has been used to having her own way and ruling the roost with a mother who was too afraid/ exhausted/ depressed/ guilty to discipline her.

She may well have been jealous and resentful whether mother re-married - especially when her babies arrived and attention was taken from her onto these little ones. Couple that with stricter environment, and the natural bloody-mindedness of the teenage girl, ands is desperately trying to assert herself again and bully her mother.

It won't do anyone involved any good to give in to her. There is not just one child to think about here, there are three.

Someone said said the husband "doesn't sound very nice". Why not? Because he won't be bullied by a child? Because he likes good manners and a disciplined routine for his children? Because he isn't prepared to let her do what she likes, when she likes and with whom she likes?

Giving in to a child is not good for them, especially if it is giving in to bullying behaviour. It must be terribly hard for OP's friend, but if she can, as someone else said, keep open bot her door and her routes of communication, then things, will, I am sure, work out.

The girl is safe with a cousin, she isn't sleeping on the streets. And it strikes me that she sounds someone who, if she had been abused, wouldn't waste a moment accusing her Step-dad. I don't doubt the poor girl has problems, but letting her have her own way in everything won't help her cope with them.

condensed same happened here with my DD too.... she's a lovely adult now

I also read that about adolescent brains

I do wonder how many posters on this thread have teens.

Me too.

cheeky i think you could be overreacting. My 12 yr old has always had rules and boundaries but he hit 10 yrs old and thought that he didnt need to follow them anymore. If he was given the chance he would want to live somewhere where there arent any rules.

I have two....

Apologies for typos/autorrect extravaganzas. Do your best.

I am left feeling there is more to this than not liking rules...Most teens don't like rules don't react this way...

I do wonder if three are 2 completely different stlyes of parenting going on mum lets DD do what she likes, stepD lays down the law.

Parenting should be joint and consistent.

Unless there is other issues other than she doesn't like rules bit late for separation.. How were things with DD before they got together..

Words like second chance make it sounds like she has written off DC1..

Good post travelling

There must of been a trigger? If the younger siblings are 2YO? Then add 36 weeks to that (twin pregnancy) I'm also guessing that the husband has been on the scene longer...

So the daughter would have been 10 or 11 (possibly younger) ??

To suddenly give an ultimatum to the mother?

It's not like its a casual boyfriend of the mother who's only been on the scene for a matter of weeks? You are talking years..

Actually BratFarrarsPony teenages can be a fucking nightmare ...I know I've had 2 and have one going through it right now ! The SF has laid down rules & regulation and as the OP stated the daughter has never had this discipline due to the Mother not being very strong. So the Daughter is freaking out cause she has lost her power within the household . I get fucked off with everyone spouting abuse/pedo just cause a teenager is having a fucking hissy fit and blaming a adult for having the strength to lay down rules.

I do, the waves of arrogance and idleness that waft out of a teenage bedroom are almost overpowering. Lucky he’s not so big that I can’t tickle him into submission.

Something happens to the adolescent brain that sends some of them haywire . It's why some teens are risk takers and throw tantrums , they almost revert to being toddlers .

There are more children involved here than just the teenage DD - what about the little 2 year old twins? If the 14 year old gets her own way then it's their parents who are splitting up and they will end up growing up in a broken home. It's a bit more complicated than choosing between the DD and the husband, these two little children's lives will also be affected.

Thank you Flappy. I would modestly take a bow and pass on my pearls of wisdom to all and sundry but I realise that I KNOW NOTHING. Took his phone off him last week, didn’t go well.

Does that extend to the 20s Condensed?

Sincerely hope so

Lots of 14yo react like this. If you don't know any I can only think you've had a very sheltered life .

There's nothing the mum and SD can do except keep the lines of communication open . Poor family, I really feel for them :-(

Where is her father in all this?

It all sounds a bit one-sided I.e. She's the problem child, has had problems at school and on the verge of being excluded etc and she's blackmailing her mother. All that may well be true, but at the same time it sounds as if she's had quite a dysfunctional upbringing, with a mother who doesn't do discipline, no father in the equation or at least not in a meaningful sense resulting in her problem behaviour at school, and then another man entering on to the scene and wanting to be the disciplinarian, and added to that more children into the equation.

It's just not going to be as simple as this man has told her no and now she's revelling by saying he has to go or she won't come home. If he's come into their lives and started laying down the law then it's entirely possible that she's revelled against it because she's never had discipline, or that she's resented it for the same reasons, and given he must have been on the scene for at least three years now as there are two year old twins in the picture, it's possible that this relationship has been breaking down for some time and that now she's old enough to make her feelings known she is doing exactly that.

I certainly wouldn't necessarily advocate the mother getting rid of the stepfather in order to win her back, however I do think that the mother needs to have an open and honest discussion with her DD, perhaps with the help of a mediator, counsellor, social worker, in order to get to the bottom of where this has come from.

At fourteen it's very unlikely to just be as simple as problem child has stepped up a notch and everyone else in the picture is innocent. Problem children get their problem behaviour from somewhere.

I would say hold firm.

You would be doing her no favours to let her think she's running the show, and can behave how she wants at home, in public and in school. If she's already been excluded for poor behaviour from one school, and on the verge of being excluded from another for same, she needs to learn some hard lessons about life.

I would have her tell SS that cousin in not actually a responsible adult if your 14 year old DD is still able to come and go as she pleases and about to be tossed out of another school.

Your friend and her new husband have a right to have rules in their home, and they have a right to expect respect and decent behavior by the people living there. And their 2 year old twins deserve stability as well.

Springy apparently the brain finally comes out of the adolescent stage at around 24 years old . Hang in there x

I do wonder how many posters on this thread have teens

I have 3, does that give me permission to speak?

'Strict'. 'Rules' and 'routines' Not necessarily a bad thing but I can just imagine the type of man a timid, afraid woman ended up marrying. But it is automatically the teen with the problem
Why is the assumption always that the teen is the issue. Seems to be a given that all teens are the same. They are not. It is lazy and convenient to accept that..
I absolutely think there could be more to this. The timid, afraid woman is NOT going to be having any real say is she? And she is NOT going to be standing up for her child. She can't afford to.

In this case, it is definitely possible that mum married an arsehole who probably has free reign over the household. And for a 20 year old to willingly take on a 14 year old and have SS accept it? Yeah, way more going on than teenage rebellion.

Actually wannabe. It could be just as simple as that, my sister rebelled through her teens and did something very similar to my mum. No underlying issues, no abuse, just a teenage hormonal storm. Gave my poor Mum hell at a time when she could have done without it.

However Karma is a bitch, her job now?..............................Dealing with problem teens who can’t live at home. She loves the job and is very good at it.