Struggling to *forgive* dh now I am pregnant.

[GTS]

I am well aware that it takes two to make a baby. DH reassured me he would get the snip and that it would be fine to remove my extremely problematic mirena coil that caused me so much misery. Had a few excuses as to why it hadn't happened yet, on a wait list...wrong code given by gp etc etc. My cycle was obviously more messed up than I thought, and now I'm seven months pregnant with my third child, with a gap of a decade between the youngest and this baby. I didn't want another baby, but he was happy and persuaded me to keep it. I'm really hoping that in time I will come to be happy about this baby, and once he's here I will love him and be grateful. But at this moment I'm really struggling because I (unreasonably I know) blame him for this situation. I have friends whose husbands got it done with no issues. He now has prostate problems and probably won't be able to have the snip for a few months at least, or will use it as yet another reason why he can't. I'm nearly 40 btw, I don't want to start any more contraception as I feel I've done my bit. I know i'm being awful. I just can't seem to help myself feeling this way :(

You are not being awful Not at all. I am 40 and the thought of a baby now after I'm through the baby years petrifies me.

Anyway, dh had the snip after dc2. After two pregnancies, births and stints of breastfeeding, it was the least he could do. And I truly love him for it.

Not sure what to suggest that may help. Just wanted to reassure you that you are not awful.

Apologies I may have misunderstood- are you saying that you had unprotected sex? Which led to a pregnancy?

Because if so you really can't blame your DH.

I did have unprotected sex. When I thought it was 'safe'. Stupid of me and I know rationally that I am equally to blame. But I just can't stop myself being angry with him and blaming him for the situation. I hope once the baby is here and I'm over the postnatal depression which I will inevitably get after having it horrendously with the previous two, I will start to feel less unreasonable about it all.

It must be very distressing to feel this way but rationally you really can't blame your DH.

Might it be worth having a chat with your Midwife or GP now about how you are feeling. Particularly if you have PND before.

This could have been written by me. I'm in exactly the same position and yes, one drunk night forgetting to use a condom with my husband who kept on putting off getting the snip, then getting 'bumped' has resulted in a 3rd pregnancy. Difference here being neither of us want it at all. However, due to personal feelings about abortion and a date miscalculation, here I am hating life at 8 months pregnant.
Pretty much the same age as you, and had really thought this was all done with. Never felt so down in my life. Sorry to not be able to add anything constructive at all.
Only thing keeping me going is that I guess things happen for a reason. Not sure what exactly tho!
Good luck with it all.

I'm sorry to hear you're in the same situation as me Gizmo. It's a hard thing to discuss because people only want to hear that you're ecstatic to be pregnant, or at least that's what they expect. It couldn't be further from the truth for me. I'm dreading my maternity leave starting soon, I've worked so hard to get where I am and I love my job. I also love my children, but I really honestly thought the hard years were behind me and starting all over again just fills me with dread. I hope we'll both feel differently soon xxx

I have felt like this one of the nurses said , only you are responsible for your contraception and sexual health ultimately. It was harsh but true. I get so bad with SPD/pelvis girdle pain i always end up with crutches and also morning sickness.it can feel so unfair as the men are if course fine and it does not change her lives the same. If at all. But it's not rational and I hope you find once the baby is here it feels better. But also for the men it's y the same risk at all, we have he pregnancy and still risk it, when we have sex for men even less personal risk is at stake so they sit feel it the same. Hope u feel better soon though

Bah I mean it's not the same risk for men, and they can sort of come out ok either way. I hope it gets better for you both. I remember hating being congratulated and thinking what's good about it but it did get better once baby was here a little while

op, Gizmo, exactly the same here too and I feel a little less stupid for reading your posts. I had sex on day 4 of my otherwise regular menstrual cycle, the first doctor I saw didn't think it at all likely that I would be pregnant....
DC3 is now 6mo and I won't lie to you, it's been tough. I found everything harder for being older and in terms of our personal situation (financial problems etc). But things have been getting better and DC3 is a very easy, smiley baby.
Good luck.

This must be really hard But I second other posters who say you can't blame your partner for not getting an operation. Hope you start to feel better soon.

Hope you feel better soon.FWIW I had a surprise baby after 40 and he is an absolute joy. I got great childcare and returned to work after 5 months. It has meant I will have to work a bit longer than planned and our we haven't been able to finish the work on our house yet but he keeps us young .

I'm finding it really difficult to understand why so many women think they have 'safe' times if the month.

Bloody hell. I feel sorry for your child

I hope you manage to be happy and love it and give it the excitement others give their babies

Erm this is not the baby itself the op is upset at being pregnant and her situation. She allowed to feel that way. It just can't really be blamed on her or her husband particularly, they both made it so. But she will have her life impacted the most. Not everyone is overjoyed to be pregnant. Once baby is here it's often very different

I do sympathise, GTS.

I fell pregnant on the Mirena. I had planned a career change, that I was unable to go through with, because I could no longer afford the temporary reduction in earnings. I couldn't bear to face the situation, so I barely spoke to DH about the pregnancy. I used to cry at every midwife appointment and other antenatal appointment, because they were the times I really had to face up to what was going on.

In retrospect, I should have had counselling, and perhaps I would have chosen to terminate the pregnancy.

In the event, I have a lovely, nearly teenage son, and I have no regrets. But I think it would help you to talk to someone outside of the situation, like a counsellor.

It feels like the OP blames her dh because he didn't get the snip when he could have.

OP I hope all works out okay.

Ummm lets not jump to the fact op won't love her baby fgs not everyone is overwhelmed with excitement during pregnancy

Op you know it's not really dhs fault as obviously you still had sex but I think you already know that anyway

Different situation for me having ds but Similair feelings . young recently single ( he cheated on me ) and accidently pregnant ! Not what I had planned for that point in time at all !!! spent much of my pregnancy feeling really thrown in at the deep end with the massive life changes that were taking place - best thing to ever happen to me !!!! You know how Much you love your Dc and this baby will be no different

I was in a similar position not long ago. Although I took the MAP to be "sure" but to no avail. My whole pregnancy was a weird other dimension kind of hell experience. Sobbed when I had my scan and was sure I'd never bond with the baby.
Oddly he's the only one I haven't had any PND or PNA with and bonded straight away.

the issue here isn't the baby or the pregnancy - not really - but that it looks like he dragged his feet, not wanting to get his crown jewels chopped off, and now you're the one going through the consequences.

I don't blame you for being royally pissed off (take no notice of the scornful posters, I should).

But let's hope this all turns out well later down the line. As you say, hopefully once baby is born you'll feel differently.

Thank you for your words of support and most of all the positive outcomes. I know in my heart I will love this baby as much as I do my other children, and I'm hopeful that once baby is here I will feel gratitude instead of resentment towards my DH. It's so reassuring to know that I'm not the only one to not be doing cartwheels about my pregnancy.

Could you look into having yourself sterilised after this pregnancy?
My first I just kind of went along with and it was bloody hard for the first two years after not bonding with her but now I wouldn't change her for the world but it's a horrendous way to feel. You can't blame your DH for this though, try not to let resentment brew as it would be unfair.

- but that it looks like he dragged his feet, not wanting to get his crown jewels chopped off, and now you're the one going through the consequences.
Condoms could have been used by either party and no one can demand someone gets sterilised. It really is not her DP's fault alone - both of them were careless. And the DP is now poorly which I wouldn't call an excuse, nor the ones he provided before this pregnancy.

Why don't you just pay for him to see a consultant to sort out the prostate and arrange a vasectomy - a vasectomy can be less than £500 privately ( 1-2 weeks childcare!) Then you won't have to use alternative contraception for very long after the birth.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions.
You mixed up the dates and had unprotected sex.

If you continue to resent your DH because of a mistake you made then you will destroy your family.

The end result will be your own children will lose out the most.

It's clear your DH doesn't want the snip so you shouldnt put any kind of pressure on him.

On the other hand he too shouldn't put pressure on you to go on the pill/coil etc.

Tell him no sex till he gets the snip, might get him to hurry up and sort it out.