Struggling to *forgive* dh now I am pregnant.

[GTS]

I am well aware that it takes two to make a baby. DH reassured me he would get the snip and that it would be fine to remove my extremely problematic mirena coil that caused me so much misery. Had a few excuses as to why it hadn't happened yet, on a wait list...wrong code given by gp etc etc. My cycle was obviously more messed up than I thought, and now I'm seven months pregnant with my third child, with a gap of a decade between the youngest and this baby. I didn't want another baby, but he was happy and persuaded me to keep it. I'm really hoping that in time I will come to be happy about this baby, and once he's here I will love him and be grateful. But at this moment I'm really struggling because I (unreasonably I know) blame him for this situation. I have friends whose husbands got it done with no issues. He now has prostate problems and probably won't be able to have the snip for a few months at least, or will use it as yet another reason why he can't. I'm nearly 40 btw, I don't want to start any more contraception as I feel I've done my bit. I know i'm being awful. I just can't seem to help myself feeling this way :(

[ohlittlepea]

I think it's ok to be frustrated at the situation. ..but the blame lies with both of you. I've had unprotected sex on a whim whilst not wanting a baby before...but just went straight to the chemist for a morning after pill in the morning and made sure we were fully stocked with condoms for the future. We are really lucky that we live in a developed country where we have access to a wide variety of both barrier and hormonal contraception available so easily ...There is really no need for anyone (who has willingly had sex) to be in this situation apart from making their own decisions to take a risk.
There are some awesome pre natal counselling services avaliable if you chat to your gp ...may help to have a neutral person to discuss this stuff with. I hope that this little baby turns into a real joy for you all and that these wounds heal xx

[HermioneWeasley]

OP, I don't blame you for being pissed off

Taking his turn at responsibility for contraception was the least he could do. So it's a minor op - boo fucking hoo. You've done two pregnancies, childbirth, breastfeeding and PND. He's been extremely selfish, not the actions of someone who's supposed to love you.

You have every right to be pissed off and he needs to think about what he can do after the baby is born to do as much of the work as possible.

[sansoucitherednosedcariboo]

Sort of like remembering to shut the stable door after the horse has bolted...

[Baylisiana]

Condoms have always worked for me. Maybe I have been infertile all this time....but they seem to have been effective...be careful and if you suspect something has gone wrong you could consider map.

You make the decision to have unprotected sex based on where you are right then and there....which was knowing your DH had not had a vasectomy, you both knew fully what you were doing and at that time and place were equally responsible. If he pressured you not to terminate when you wanted to, that is a separate issue.

I really wish you luck OP and hope this turns out to be a wonderful surprise after all.

[nooka]

I'm glad that your dh made that suggestion GTS. After our scare I just didn't want to have sex anymore it made me far too stressed, after dh got the all clear post snip things got much better. I can't imagine how stressed I would have felt with a dh who was anti abortion (or wasn't with me on not having any more children).

[Devilishpyjamas]

Sans - when we were looking into it the doctor was very clear that vasectomy is more reliable than female sterilisation. A quick google doesn't suggest anything has changed in those figures patient.info/health/vasectomy-male-sterilisation

[GTS]

DH is self employed, so sharing of maternity leave isn't really an option unfortunately. I have seriously considered sterilization, but to be honest I feel like I've done my bit now after three pregnancies horrendous labors breastfeeding and what feels like a lifetime of suffering from a contraceptive induced hormonal roller coaster. Surely it must be his turn? The research i've done so far on it suggests that either sterilization or vasectomy are 99% effective. DH needs a minor private op soon and mentioned tonight that he would ask about having the vasectomy at the same time. It's enough to make me feel a bit better about it tbh.

[sansoucitherednosedcariboo]

The snip or vasectomy is reversible & not 100% reliable. A friend of mine got PG even though her dp had the snip. Sterilization (tubal ligation) is almost always irreversible and 99% effective. I had it done when I was 45.

[SandyY2K]

Its a shame UK cant have the option for the maternity leave to be partially used by the father

Actually, they can share it. Working in HR, I've processed a handful of those requests.

But being pregnant, going through the labour and the rest is way more difficult than time off IMO.

[SelfCleaningVagina]

Have I really just seen a poster say withhold sex until he has the snip?

Yes. Men get told all the time on MN 'if you didn't want to take responsibility for this pregnancy then you shouldn't have had sex. No method of BC bar abstinence is guaranteed to be 100% reliable. You know every time you have sex that there is a chance, no matter how small, that you might become a father because of it. If you aren't prepared to take that risk then don't have sex.'

This is said to men who don't bother to ask about BC and don't offer to wear a condom, to men who religiously wear condoms, and to men who genuinely believe their partner is using a reliable method of BC. In fact it's just said to all men, period.

I see no reason why it can't be applied to the OP here. If she has had enough of using her own BC then that's fine but she needs to either MAKE SURE her DH gets the snip and if he is not comfortable with something that permanent and invasive (as is his right) then she needs to MAKE SURE he wears condoms. Or refuse to have sex. She should not be blaming someone else for something she had it completely within her control to stop happening, but didn't.

[fuzzywuzzy]

Stormtreader, the UK does have the option for maternity leave to be split between both partners. They can do six months each or whatever split they chooser.

[Devilishpyjamas]

The snip is far more reliable & an easier op than sterilisation though. The snip is the most reliable form of birth control. I wasn't keen on getting myself sterilised because of the increased risk of ectopic vs no major life threatening risks for the snip.

We agreed no more (we had 3, including 1 severely disabled - dh's view was even if he ended up in another relationship he had enough. children he was responsible for already), then dh dragged his feet. So it was no sex that could lead to a pregnancy (& I don't do back passages incidentally) until he did. He accepted it actually - he knew another baby would be too much for us.

[Stormtreader]

Its a shame UK cant have the option for the maternity leave to be partially used by the father. It may be that if you'd said "if we do end up pregnant again, it'll be you taking a year off work with the baby" then he might have suddenly found a reason to bother going.

[allibaba]

GTS I am currently convalescing from being sterilised last week. I too had a mirena coil and hated it and due to other issues this was the only one I had left.

I struggled with coming to terms with being permanently sterilised but the idea of having a 3rd DC at almost 40 terrified me more as I know if I had gotten pregnant neither I or DH could have gone through with an abortion.

Perhaps sterilisation is the way forward for you after you've had DC3? And maybe some counselling? Babies are hard at the best of times and you need to find a way to come to terms with this and let your resentment go or it will eat you up.

[KungFuPandaWorksOut16]

Have I really just seen a poster say withhold sex until he has the snip?

Love too see this in reverse, can guarentee nobody would be in agreement with the husband to make the wife book an appointment to get sterilised.

If he doesn't want the snip, he doesn't have too. But you both need to find an alternative contraception, so anther surprise doesn't come your way.

[sansoucitherednosedcariboo]

It's too late to lay blame. What's done is done, and you must make the best of it. Blaming your dh, or yourself, is pointless as it makes a difficult situation into an impossible one.

Easy for me to say, I know but accepting your pregnancy might make it easier to cope with.

[uhoh2016]

Get sterilised after the birth. My dh also dragged his feet about having the snip kept saying he'll get it done next year (for the past 6 years). I was sterilised a few months ago dc3 is almost 2 and was definitely going to be my last. I think dh would have liked a 4th probably why he dragged it out.

[SelfCleaningVagina]

I did have unprotected sex. When I thought it was 'safe'. Stupid of me and I know rationally that I am equally to blame. But I just can't stop myself being angry with him and blaming him for the situation.

You are equally to blame. You know you are. You had a choice to terminate and you chose not to. If you are against abortion or knew that you could never go through with one if your DH was unhappy about it then all the more reason to make sure you used BC all the time and didn't take daft chances.

It's pointless being angry at him and that anger is misdirected. You can't pressurise someone get sterilised just because you want them to be. You are of course free to get sterilised yourself though. You could and should have insisted on condoms if you wanted your coil removed. Or you could have refused to have sex. If he didn't like them then he would have known exactly what he needed to do about it.

I sympathise with how you feel about being pregnant and I feel your frustration but it's petulant and unreasonable to want to blame your husband for something you are both equally responsible for.

[Poptartwish]

Restless

Actually if you know what you're doing it is possible to avoid pregnancy - there are certain times of the month you cannot get pregnant. But it's different for every woman and you must be clued up on exactly what to look for and when.

My oh and I did it without any pregnancy for 4 years. Then I got pregnant with our son the first time we "tried".

due to personal feelings about abortion and a date miscalculation

I'm so sorry you feel like this but to anyone else in a similar situation please consider an abortion. I had one at 6 weeks (I was 18), it wasn't remotely traumatic and the alternative (an unwanted baby) would have been 10x worse, both for me and said baby.

[lookaroundandsmile]

I am kind of the other side of this. I had my coil removed because of bleeding but didn't really want another put it so dragged my feet. Meanwhile dh claimed he would withdraw so I didn't get pregnant therefore thinking he was "safe" same as you I suppose.

He wasn't I got pregnant, he then acted as though it was my fault for not having the coil in quick enough and wanted me to have an abortion.
To me he had unprotected sex knowing the risks so we were equally to "blame". He wasn't forced into sex.

If it helps our dd is 14 months now and he dotes on her.

[Pallisers]

You need to take responsibility for your own actions.
You mixed up the dates and had unprotected sex.

She IS taking responsibility. At the age of close to 40 she is having a baby she didn't plan. She is taking utter responsibility.

how about asking her husband to take some responsibility for HIS own actions - he had unprotected sex which has impacted his body not one whit. He didn't bother sorting out contraception although he agreed he would do so.

I recently had my last mirena coil out - have gone through menopause. And as I did, I thought about how I have taken utter control and responsibility for our contraception for our entire married life (except for the year when I didn't and I conceived my third child). I said it to Dh how lovely it must have been for him not to have to worry about anything because I was on the job.

I was on the job because whether or not I got pregnant was a priority for me (I played fast and loose with third child because I knew we wanted one - just not as quickly as we got it). Not because I thought it was entirely my responsibility - just that I didn't trust anyone but me.

Oh and dh knows how lucky he has had it and is very fucking grateful.

OP I can understand completely why you are angry even though you are going to love this baby.

[nooka]

I had a similar issue (but long ago now) my dh also agreed to have the snip and then didn't get around to it. Wasn't too careful with condoms/ withdrawal timing etc and I had to get the MAP. It made me very angry that I had to take the consequences of him essentially pissing around. Especially as my GP gave me a bit of a lecture (turned out he was on the no abortion referral list so I suspect was ideologically opposed to the MAP too).

OP I really hope that your baby is lovely and your mental health after the birth is good too. As your dh persuaded you to keep it I hope he is going to do the bulk of the childcare too, oh and accept no sex until he is properly sorted, one way or another. It's perfectly reasonable to feel you've done your bit.

[kerryob]

Tell him no sex till he gets the snip, might get him to hurry up and sort it out.

[arsenaltilidie]

You need to take responsibility for your own actions.
You mixed up the dates and had unprotected sex.

If you continue to resent your DH because of a mistake you made then you will destroy your family.

The end result will be your own children will lose out the most.

It's clear your DH doesn't want the snip so you shouldnt put any kind of pressure on him.

On the other hand he too shouldn't put pressure on you to go on the pill/coil etc.

[LadyLapsang]

Why don't you just pay for him to see a consultant to sort out the prostate and arrange a vasectomy - a vasectomy can be less than £500 privately ( 1-2 weeks childcare!) Then you won't have to use alternative contraception for very long after the birth.