Did I say something wrong?

[dinor]

Tonight dh mentions he wants to go to a salon tomorrow to get his hair done, and to look for an outfit for his work do next weekend, I said ok we talked about various different hairstyles and I said seems like your just thinking about yourself this weekend, (as we have loads of Xmas shopping to do and still need to take ds to a certain barbers) We've just had a massive argument over that comment. I meant it in a way we have lots to do, he's saying he never buys anything for himself etc and how I brought myself a new coat a few weeks back (wow). He's stormed off naming other things we've argued about recently, says how ungrateful I am, and that I'm not a normal person! Just feel like I've had enough. At first we did try resolving it I tried telling him what I meant but he was twisting and just wouldn't drop it felt like he wanted to argue..

Yes sounds like you were trying to start a fight. Is it because you are worried about him getting his hair cut and a new outfit for his work do?

Is there a backstory and a reason that would bother you

There must be a backstory here and some prior resentment, OP, is that right?

Why did you say it? It is an snide remark and I don't think he took it the wrong way at all - how on earth else is that meant to be interpreted?

It was taken as a snide remark because it was one. You were looking for a fight. I imagine your next post will try and justify your behaviour with some 'context' which in reality is drip feedibg

Is someone he fancies going to be at party and you aren't invited....?

There is absolutely no reason I'd have a problem with him going for a hair cut and getting some new clothes other than can we please try and fit the other things we need to do as well, certain barbers for ds because he plays up like mad at any others so not just being awkward.
I have obv worded what I said to him wrong but also tried telling him that, but he wants to carry it on, he isn't speaking to me now just giving me the silent treatment, I said to him last night so how long is this going to carry on for, are we going to sort this out after I told you what I meant by what I said and he's just had none of it, there's no resolving it.

Have no problem with party or anything like that.

OP, you need to think about how you are phrasing things - intentionally or not, you said something rude and unkind. I note you use 'tried to explain' rather than apologise... Have you apologised? Because if not 'so how long is this going to go on for then' is also quite rude....

You seem very confrontational and abrupt tbh. It sounded like you had a problem with him getting his haircut and buying clothes. Otherwise, there was no need to call him selfish. Then rather than apologising graciously, you asked him how long it was going to carry on for.

Why don't you just say sorry? I suspect its because you're not sorry. It sounds like all you've done is try to justify what you said rather than realise you were having a dig at him for no good reason which is why he's not ready to forgive you.

I have apologised, we've spoken over it again. And he's just gone ha I win you spoke to me first, pathetic silent treatment.

Never said he was selfish.

Isn't the problem here - not the initial comment - but that the husbands response is "Defense by attack" ?
If he has problems with the op - then he needs to bring those up at an appropriate and calm moment not throw them onto the bonfire when hes very pissed off - or has been called on his behavior.
This is a really poor way of communicating and resolving issues and inevitably a few repeats of this leave the op walking on eggshells every time she needs to bring up a matter that bothers her.

OP - I think you need to resolve with your DH to have one issue at a time discussions
and
you shouldn't feel obliged to phrase things perfectly so that he doesn't have a go - if he gets not to be perfect - so do you

x post
wow
if browbeating your wife,
attacking her for criticism rather than considering the validity of it,
giving her the silent treatment,
and then crowing that you are a winner when she apologizes for something which is not her fault...
makes him feel like a winner - then he is a gold medalist
I prefer the term Knob - but each to their own

665

It is possible (and certainly, in light of the updates, appears to be) that they are both at fault and that they have developed unhealthy and unhelpful ways of communicating with each other and have poor conflict resolution skills.

It doesn't have to be a contest between the two. We also don't have to find ways of making these things solely the man's fault. Because women can be wrong too.

OP, his response does seem to be that of A Dick, frankly, but you were undoubtedly wrong in your initial communication. I don't believe that you really don't see that. I think you knew exactly what you were saying then and subsequently.

This is a really poor way of communicating and resolving issues

I think you need to resolve with your DH to have one issue at a time discussions

oh yes - I thought I'd said that so I'm confused why you addressed this to me?

Thanks 665 I feel like you've hit the nail on the head. I admit I did say the wrong thing but whenever anything is said he does hit the roof when I'd rather talk about things and resolve them I just don't see the point of things being dragged on.

When we were talking last night he was like I'm trying to sort things out like you say you always want to talk about things but he didn't want to resolve it he wouldn't take anything I was saying as answer but instead raised his voice stormed upstairs reeling all sorts, saying I'm ungrateful because of the money he gives me to pay the bills (at home with ds ATM), starts bringing up old arguments, then says I'm not a normal person which what bothered me the most, whenever we have a fall out I try resolving it but I just get smarmy grins him talking down to me, saying I'm crazy and I don't know what I'm talking about.

Goodness he sounds about 12yo.

It sounds like you both really need to work on how you communicate with each other if this kind of stuff happens regularly.

This is really isn't great behaviour to model for your DS. Or a pleasant way to live.

It wasn't a great comment but he sounds like bloody hard work. My ex was like this. He would take any slightly ill thought out comment as carte blanche to go right off on one and id get the silent treatment (for weeks sometimes he wouldn't speak to me properly) then he'd bring it up in later arguments. Never been so relieved as when i finally dumped his stupid ass.

I think it sounds like you were picking. Why on earth do u need to Christmas shop together and take dc to barbers together? You sound controlling

booklink

Sadly I think you need to buy yourself this book for an early Christmas present Dinor

We had an argument this afternoon while shopping for last minute gifts for family members, he grabbed gift bags for three members of his family I said oh why couldn't you of just grabbed another two for my mum and Nan, so we can just get them all sorted. Bearing in mind yesterday I spent the whole day wandering round town searching for gifts for his family for him to only say they basically look shit.

So we leave the shop and he's carrying on saying I'm a f*cking child I always make a big deal out of nothing etc. When he was coming out with this shit I didn't know what to say I felt suffocated and didn't really believe it because I just thought what a cheek and what utter shit. I can never get a word in edgeways, and when I do I'm always spoke over anyway with words like your a fucking child, your not normal, your crazy. I'm beginning to think really he's the one who isn't normal but I need someone else's opinion on this. These comments do hurt me.

The gift bag situation we'd be trawling around looking for last minute gifts and when he picked three up for those members of his family I just thought thanks after yesterday I spent helping him get gifts. Just grabbing an extra couple of bags for me wouldn't of been a problem I didn't get funny over it, just pointed it out, but he flys over the handle calling me what I mentioned above. What do people think?

I think that overall you've had a hard time on here op.

You admitted yourself that your original comment was ill thought out, but it seems difficult for you to say anything without being shouted down. The problem with this sort of behaviour is that it makes you reluctant to raise any issues because of the way he kicks off.

I don't know how you are going to sort this out but I'm sure the relationship problems are not all your fault. Good luck.

Dunno all sounds rather tiresome and hardwork tbh. He's out of line talking to you like that but you do seem to have a tendency to make your point in an accusatory way. Could you have not just said "Oh grab two more gift bags and then we'll have done everyone's"?

Did he know you needed more gift bags though?

storming off shouting, bringing up old arguments saying I'm not a normal person

He behaves like a spoilt child.

Humour him.

Why should the op humour him?