Has anybody stayed in a controlling marriage for the sake of the kids

[Justdontknow12]

NC for this post. I know I'll get a lot of LTB but that just isn't an option

I have been with my husband from my teens. We have 3 children under age 5

My husband is the only person who has always been there for me. I am NC with my family after a horrendous upbringing. I have nobody but my husband.

Since we have had children, his behaviour has become more and more controlling. He doesn't want me to get a job. He doesn't like me having friends - coffee with another mum will mean at least 5 calls to check where I am and who I am with. He prefers me to wear clothes he picks out and he checks receipts to see what I have spent. Any big decisions he makes himself, he picked out my new car recently without consulting me at all.

He is moody, difficult and can be verbally aggressive when challenged. I know I should leave, but I can't. We have a nice lifestyle. My kids are happy and content, they will be able to access a brilliant education, holidays, a nice house, activities. More importantly, two parents together. If I leave him, he will ensure I have nothing. I will have to move away with the children and we will be on benefits. There will be nobody to take the children so I can study or work. More to the point, I don't trust him to care for the children properly. He doesn't at the minute, all childcare is down to me and our youngest is only one

I know he sounds horrible, but despite this I love him. He's taken care of me and supported me through some hard times and I can't imagine my life without him. I need ways to make this marriage work for my children's sake.

I've only ever heard stories of women who left. This just isn't an option for me, but what happens to the women who stay? There must be some

If you search on here you will find posts from older women who stayed with a controlling partner. It hasn't usually got better.

The children grow up thinking this is a normal relationship so the cycle of controlling (if boys) or being controlled (girls) will continue into their adult relationships.

I appreciate you are not ready to leave especially with young children however a nice lifestyle (education and good jobs) doesn't protect your children from damaging relationships later on in life.

That I believe is the legacy of parents staying in an unhealthy relationship.

It absolutely is an option, and you know it. You don't love him, you fear what leaving him will entail.

What will things look like in 20 years? Who knows. If you're lucky, he'll have fucked off for a younger model to do it to all over again. If you're unlucky, he'll still be there, making your life miserable and pointless while he screws the younger models.

Your children will know what he's about. They may pity you, they may despise and resent you. Or they may think this is normal, and be sucking up this glorious model of how to live their lives.

You know all this, and when you're ready, you'll run. The sooner the better.

Oh, and I know this from 20 years of family law. Never had a client who didn't wish she'd run sooner. Even the ones in their 70s.

Sorry to hear about your situation. It's sounds very lonely and frightening.

My auntie stayed until she died. The relationship had progressed from controlling to violent by that time. It turned out he'd been having an affair while she was alive. Unfortunately both their sons had come to see their parents' relationship as normal and both struggle with their own relationships as a result. One was divorced by his wife for being controlling and the other has a very difficult, stormy relationship with the mother of his two DC. Both of my cousins wish their mother had left their father.

You're not staying for the kids, you're staying for you. If you were thinking about what is best for the kids you would leave.

He will wear you down until you have nothing left. At best your kids will pity you a d lose respect for you, at worst they will become affected emotionally and go on to have unhealthy relationships themselves whereby they are either a bully or are bullied.

It's likely he will stay with you until the sc are grown up and then leave you for another woman. He will likely wipe the floor with you divorce wise and you will probably end up alone in a small flat with no job prospects and your kids all fully grown with their own lives. You will feel bitter and resentful towards him and the life you have had.

If he dies the leave you high and dry then he will likely be a serial cheat and you will not have the courage or strength to leave after another 20 years have beaten you down. Don't be fooled into thinking it will be easier to leave in 10-15 years.

Sorry, but you are very disillusional about staying. Good luck op. I hope you have the courage to do what is right for you and your Dc.

Doesn't - not dies!!

NC for this response.
I am also a divorce lawyer.
I have seen client after client with eroded self esteem after doing what you are contemplating. It only ever goes one way.
From a personal perspective, I am stuck in a relationship like this but not with my DC's F. My DP does everything yours does. Deflects by getting cross when challenged on his behaviour. Sets impossible standards for me to reach (which he doesn't apply to himself in an act of stunning hypocrisy). Belittles me and insults me every day. I can't remember the last time he gave me a compliment. I am stupid (I'm anything but), I'm fat (I'm 8st 5), I'm ugly (I'm no Angelina but I'm ok), I can't cook (cordon bleu trained), my clothes are awful (apart from those he buys). In the 3 years we've been together he has bled me dry financially. Buys things on my eBay account and doesnt repay me (but claims he did), buys high performance cars with my cash and finance in my name, drives them and then sells them at a loss. Trades using my money and when I ask if he paid me back just gets cross and starts bandying figures around. Criticises everything my children do and dishes out absurd punishments. Tells me nobody else will want me with my children.
Everything is my fault.
I understand how hard it is to pluck up the courage to leave. I am planning my exit. I know the worst thing is that I am selling my children short. But leaving a relationship like this is hard.
Even his own friends have started commenting on my loss of self esteem. I think that was the final straw that gave me strength.

I'm going to humour you with your original request.

Ok, so ltb isn't an option.
What you need to do is assert your independence, your individuality and your identity.

So in an opportune, quiet, suitable moment. Sit and talk to him about how you feel the balance in your relationship is not equal. And how you plan to change it. And point out that in a loving relationship with equal balance and trust, X y X would happen.

Point out that things not changing isn't really going to work for you.

That when he checks up on you it upsets you.
When he chose your car without your input.

Etc etc. Make it all a positive spin about making your relationship as equals and the best it can be.

If he isn't a controlling arse he might actually take it on board.

Bets ££ he doesn't... and doesn't like the shift in his grip of control.

Good luck, honestly. I couldn't and would not live like that for all the money and 'opportunities' that it affords.

He has stuck with you because it is all part of his grooming of you.

I know it's hard when you had a very poor start in life to leave your abuser. Ditto, but I did leave - eventually. I needed a lot of support through eg Women's Aid. You have been, I was, groomed and it takes a lot to uproot that grooming. But it is possible, esp with the stellar support of eg Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme.

If you stay you are ensuring your children a very disordered future - and I mean right into adulthood. I wish I could soften that fact but there is no getting around it: the toll on the kids is immense. Don't be fooled that they currently appear happy and settled - that won't last long.

Is he self -employed? That is the only way he can make sure all his assets vanish and you get a poor settlement (voice of bitter experience..). If not then he will have to comply with the law - which is more powerful than him yay! - which means you will get at least 50% of marital assets, if not more bcs you will be the resident parent.

Talking of which, if you have concerns about him taking good care of the kids then start keeping a journal for evidence when the time comes. Do you listen to the Archers?

Women's Aid have the clout and will support you all the way, giving sound practical advice and support, signposting you to eg legal services. As you are experiencing domestic abuse (big time) you will get legal aid. Women's Aid, and the Freedom Programme, will empower you. The only thing you have to do is turn up.

I haven't answered your q bcs there is no answer to it. If you can't do it for you then PLEASE do it for your kids.

I'm sorry but I think it's really unhealthy for the children. People often say they are staying for the kids. It's not though is it? They are looking at your relationship and that's their normal. That's what they may end up looking for. Is that what you want for them?

It makes me sad to read threads like these.

I left a marriage that started to get slightly controlling. He didn't like me having male friends and would go through my social media. That was it. Nothing huge. But it was enough for me. I wasn't having it.

He had a good job, he's higher tax payer. I was a SAHM. I left anyway. I went onto benefits. I studied through the OU so I could do it at home, if you're a single parent you can get an access course funded for you and then do a degree. I waited until I got my 15 hours free childcare for DS and then found a job. Yes, I had to sacrifice material things for a while for me AND DS but him having a happy mum was way more important to me. He is thriving now and we are both beyond happy.

It never occurred to me that I should sacrifice my own mental well being and stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of my DS.

Luckily exH and I are amicable now and I understand everyone's situation is different, I know you say you don't want to leave but your own well being is important as well.

You ALWAYS have an option, remember that.

I wouldnt, love, because 'staying for the kids' is not the best thing for them.

What is the benefit to them of staying? Do you want your daughters to think that's how they should expect to be treated? Do you want your sons to grow up being the sort of person your husband is? if you stay, you are likely going to make it harder for them to grow up to be happy, kind, loving and loved individuals. That isn't what you want for them; of course it isn't.

I can't imagine how hard it will be for you to leave and start over, and I'm sorry your crappy husband is putting you and them in this situation. But your children need you to be strong enough to give them the best start in life you can, and staying 'for their sake' isn't doing that.

i understand why you would want to stay with young children. it took me until my children were teenagers to leave. So, in the meantime you need to work on yourself.

Don't bother yourself with trying to change him or make him see sense. You need to get yourself into a position where you can manage this over the next while until you feel stronger.

Can you access money for counselling even if you tell him it is for another reason, like depression. Try to gain self confidence.

I had counselling for two ears before I left and it made the situation more bearable. I started to become stronger and more confident. I started to do things I hadn't done before. My H realised I was changing and he changed with me by getting counselling himself.

Unfortnately his change wasn't enough for me the damage was already done and I couldn't stay. But I would never have left if i hadn't looked after myself first.

Work on yourself and you might just save your marriage. But don't expect him to do a single thing you ask of him. he has to recognise you are changing first.

Just to say that I am in a similar position, but my dcs are slightly older. Ranging from late teen to four years old. My dh shouts at me all the time. I can't offer you any advice. I also had a tough childhood. Am currently trying to work on doing things that I enjoy, and building my kids lives up. Wish you all the best, Op

I have a friend that has stuck by her very controlling DP, their DS is now almost an adult. He is turning out to be just like his DF, it's awful to see.
By staying with this man you really are not doing your DC's any good.

I stayed for the kids. In the end I left for the kids.

It doesn't sound like a 'nice lifestyle' to me.

Unless you honestly think he will change or get help to change then please don't stay just for the kids. My in laws did this. FIL wasn't like your H but had numerous flings. Think both were miserable but FIL didn't leave because of DC and MIL didn't kick him out because of DC and because she still loved him despite all he did. By all accounts my STBXH had a pretty awful childhood with not a great relationship with FIL.
But know I realise just how like my FIL my STBXH has turned out. With some professional help I can see why my STBXH has treated me the way he did before we split and actually a lot of it was to do with my in laws. His DF showed him it was ok to cheat on your wife and his DM showed him that it was ok for woman to be treated the way she was. I just never accepted it full stop. So while you may think you are doing what is right for your DC it probably isn't the right thing unless things change significantly at home. I am now suffering the consequences of one couple staying together for the wrong reasons. Unfortunately my STBXH wasn't willing to get help to deal with his awful childhood and instead escaped from his problems by going into the arms of another woman. I am not saying that your DC will do this but you could ultimately think you are doing the best for them and you won't know if there has been long term issues until much later on.

When you say it isn't an option for you, do you mean that if you leave, you won't have the nice house/car/holidays/money?

Do you think those things are worth your sanity and your and your DCs' happiness?

It doesn't sound like a 'nice lifestyle' to me.

This

Why would you have kids with someone like this ?

I guess it's good that you understand that it's not normal or healthy, I just think it's really sad.

I'm curious how old (roughly) you both are and whether you have always been reliant on him? Did you work before having the kids?

Phoning multiple times when you are out with friends is quite sinister. If you are going to stay perhaps you need to stand up to him about some of the nastier things he is doing. Cutting you off from friends is creepy.

More importantly, two parents together
This is much, much less important than a happy, secure childhood in which children learn to build emotionally healthy and respectful lives from the adult or adults who love them.
And your husband shouldn't get credit for being the only person there for you when he's the one preventing you from being able to spend time with anybody else.
Please talk to Women's Aid.

You should definitely leave. Believe me life away from this behaviour is so much easier.

And he can't ensure that you have nothing I assume you are married and in the uk?

I left my abusive ex when my daughter was 1 she is now 7 and I still to this day remember that moment of freedom when I opened the door to my new place and my new life without him.

He is living your life for you, abusing you.

Please do consider the alternative of leaving xxx