Has anybody stayed in a controlling marriage for the sake of the kids

[Justdontknow12]

NC for this post. I know I'll get a lot of LTB but that just isn't an option

I have been with my husband from my teens. We have 3 children under age 5

My husband is the only person who has always been there for me. I am NC with my family after a horrendous upbringing. I have nobody but my husband.

Since we have had children, his behaviour has become more and more controlling. He doesn't want me to get a job. He doesn't like me having friends - coffee with another mum will mean at least 5 calls to check where I am and who I am with. He prefers me to wear clothes he picks out and he checks receipts to see what I have spent. Any big decisions he makes himself, he picked out my new car recently without consulting me at all.

He is moody, difficult and can be verbally aggressive when challenged. I know I should leave, but I can't. We have a nice lifestyle. My kids are happy and content, they will be able to access a brilliant education, holidays, a nice house, activities. More importantly, two parents together. If I leave him, he will ensure I have nothing. I will have to move away with the children and we will be on benefits. There will be nobody to take the children so I can study or work. More to the point, I don't trust him to care for the children properly. He doesn't at the minute, all childcare is down to me and our youngest is only one

I know he sounds horrible, but despite this I love him. He's taken care of me and supported me through some hard times and I can't imagine my life without him. I need ways to make this marriage work for my children's sake.

I've only ever heard stories of women who left. This just isn't an option for me, but what happens to the women who stay? There must be some

You could also try and imagine what your DC would want you to do. Do you think when they are adults they would look back on their childhood and appreciate their good schooling and two parent household and be ok with the fact that you have sacrificed your own happiness and well being for them because my bet is they won't. Would you have wanted your Mum to do it for you?

The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave. And the more damage that will be done to your children. They will have a much happier life with you in poverty than staying in the gilded cage you've chosen to bring them into.

Given that you've said you're not going to leave him...you need to shore up your own personal boundaries. You say he doesn't want you to get a job...tough, if you want a job, go and get one. You say he doesn't like you having friends, rings you endlessly when you're out for coffee - again, tough, tell him you're meeting whoever for coffee, and then switch off your phone while you're having your coffee. He prefers you to wear things he has chosen. No. If he buys you things you don't like take them back to the shop and exchange for something you want to wear. If he buys you a car you don't like, bloody sell it! And get one you do like.

If you are determined to stay, then you need to make it clear that you will not be controlled by him, he can be as cross as he likes, but you will do as you please, wear what you like, eat what you like, go where you want to go etc. If, for whatever reason you are unable to assert yourself and change what you accept from him then you will need to end it.

You are deluding yourself that you are staying with him and allowing him to control this one life you have for the sake of your dcs. That is bollocks. I think you know that.

Not being in your situation, it feels a bit preachy to say that you are being selfish. You like your life financially, but do you want your dcs to turn out like him? Yea, it would be hard, but you'd have a life back and your dcs wouldn't turn out to be emotionally abusive and controlling like him.

You're not doing your kids any favours by staying and by saying that its a bit of a cop out. You're modelling relationships to them every single day.

I've read so many threads like yours ie. appalling abuse in which the OP professes her situation is somehow special, different or unique and therefore exempt to sensible advice or logical management.

Frankly it comes across as arrogant. Everyone else is not wrong, you are. It's not normal, it's not healthy and it sure isn't love.

Love is doing the hard yards ie leaving a bad situation to ensure your children's wellbeing.

As for the nonsense about it being so important for a child to have 2 parents together, honestly, where are you getting this twaddle? At least school up by reading a book or two on mental wellbeing in childhood before you write off the rest of their lives.

You must be very lonely I dread to think about ladies in your situation with no access to the Internet. It must be even more isolating.

My DM is you. My DF, though I love(d) (he died this year) very dearly, he was an abusive controlling arse to my mother. As children we were aware of this. Some of his behaviour we knew was not right and I often wished my DM would leave him.

More concerning to me now is all the behaviour that I assumed was a normal part of being in a relationship, that actually as an adult I have come to realise how wrong it was. I have a wonderful DH but I could have very easily ended up with in an abusive relationship myself, because that behaviour was normalised for me as a child. Still even now I know better, I still ask DH to watch the kids for me. I'm a feminist, I 100% believe in shared parenting and that we are equals, and so does he. But it's a leftover symptom of growing up in a house where my DF never looked after us.

In fact my DM would go out once a year, this includes things like coffee with friends (it just didn't happen), for a lunch with old school friends. Every year my DF would cause an argument before she left with the intention of her cancelling or just ruining her time. After years of this it took one of her friends to point out to her that this is what he was doing.

Because my DM was so isolated (also NC with her family) she often used to confide in us. I understand she was desperately lonely and she needed someone to talk to but it wasn't appropriate for her to do this looking back. The story about my DF causing arguments was told to me when I was around 13.

I suppose what I'm trying to say, and it's not to make you feel bad in any way, is that as much as you think your children aren't being effected, unfortunately they most likely are. Either they see the way your husband treats you (and trust me, they see it) and they realise how wrong it is and it makes them unhappy, or they see it as normal. If you have sons they will model their behaviour on your DH and if you have daughters they could believe that this is the right way to be treated by their significant others.

There is also the impact on you. You deserve to be happy. And that would not be at the expense of your Dc's happiness. You deserve to be able to be in contact with other people without feeling guilty or under pressure to get home. Or not even go at all because it's just easier than the fallout. I don't know your personal situation but I know my DF played a role in my DM going NC with her family and I've always thought it was to further isolate her. It plays into your Dh's hands that you are NC, though obviously it may have been the right choice for you.

You deserve to not be controlled and to live your life as an equal.

By the way OP two parents are great but not when one is an asshole. I am a single parent and left the abusive arse when she was 1. Ask yourself what advice you would give to a friend or your daughter who told you she was being abused. Would you really say two parents are better than one and she should suck it up? No, I don't think you would xxx

Please don't because you will be always miserable

I wish I left my controlling STBXH sooner. Kids and I are much more relaxed and happy now and they are not growing up thinking that is normal behaviour in a relationship. Leaving was not easy but definitely worth it!!