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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Being single

52 replies

Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 14:12

Ok, so I'm 40, divorced and had 2 relationships since my divorce although haven't lived with either.
I've been really hurt and really am not sure I'll ever get myself together yet again and ready for another relationship.
I'm working on myself at the moment but recognise I'm a bit depressed and living in the past.
Any positive stories out there? Do I give up on meeting anyone and accept I'm going to be on my own?i really don't want to be. I'm finding it lonely..

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 09/12/2016 15:36

I'm mid 40's, split with my ex who is been married to for 14 years, in early 2011 & seriously have had the best 6 years of my life since. Now happily in a relationship but, enjoyed single life in between Grin

You're still young & don't forget that

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 15:41

Naze, that's lucky! I seem to have had one disaster after another and I'm so unhappy!

OP posts:
Brightermornings · 09/12/2016 15:45

I'm 43 divorced 8 years had 1 relationship since divorce didn't live together that was nearly 3 years ago. Asked a bloke to go for a drink earlier this year he said no.
I wonder is this it. Sorry I'm not much help!!

KarmaNoMore · 09/12/2016 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheNaze73 · 09/12/2016 16:11

Karma well said Smile

Your opening paragraph is bang on the money

Zebra999 · 09/12/2016 16:29

ha! I'm going to join the club. Also 43 and divorced and single. I'm also lonely though I wouldn't say I was unhappy!

have you tried online dating yet? I haven't but i am thinking of trying it next year if nothing has happened spontaneously before then

in a way, it makes me feel better that there are a few of us in the same situation. I have no single friends at all!

dimots · 09/12/2016 16:38

What happens if you are never happy spending time on your own? I am like this, always have been. I like company and I don't just mean friends to go out with, but companionship at home. I am not afraid to do stuff alone, I just find it more enjoyable in company. I am an only child who had reclusive parents, so maybe I had my fill of alone time in the first part of my life.
I do worry it makes me too needy in relationships though. And we are always told not to look for a relationship until we are happy alone, but it never feels right for me. Currently single and lonely.

KarmaNoMore · 09/12/2016 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shayelle · 09/12/2016 17:15
  1. LOVE single life Grin
Shayelle · 09/12/2016 17:17

And dont want to get involved with anyone again. From my experience ots only drags you down!

Shayelle · 09/12/2016 17:18

*it..

dimots · 09/12/2016 17:18

I know what I like. I like company! I am perfectly capable of going to the theatre, cinema, pub etc alone and have done so. But I do enjoy it more in company. I can tolerate a day or so alone (by that I mean not seeing anyone at all), but any more than that and I feel unhappy.

Ohitdo · 09/12/2016 17:21

My positive story is that after being in a relationship all my adult life it's actually ok to be single. Wish I'd known before really.

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 17:46

I have taken my ds all over, been on holidays alone etc but I really crave a family. I crave someone caring about me, I guess I want to be loved. Who doesn't?
I'm not happy on my own at the moment, I'm grieving a miscarriage earlier this year and ex is already onto a new woman. I feel used. I've been walked over by people.
Although my family are close by, I'm not close to them. I don't have anyone to come around for coffee etc
I feel like I've lost my way.
I 'met' someone online however he has backed off now.. before even getting to a date! I really feel useless and like I'm looked down upon Sad

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 09/12/2016 17:53

I've been really hurt and really am not sure I'll ever get myself together yet again and ready for another relationship.
I'm working on myself at the moment but recognise I'm a bit depressed and living in the past

These are the issues to work on.

  1. Been really hurt - what do you think you need to heal the past?
  2. Bit depressed - what can you do about this?
  3. Living in the past - how can you stop these thinking patterns?

The danger is that you will meet someone who will mirror how you feel and that won't be a good place to have a relationship.

KarmaNoMore · 09/12/2016 18:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 18:06

Hermonie

  1. Perhaps I need more time to heal. I've already been to 1 counselling session.
  2. Docs next week for ads.
  3. I have some self help books and am going to write a journal.. I'm also using mumsnet.
I know theoretically now is not a good time to start a relationship.. im on my own with ds all weekend and feel like I'm dying inside at times..
OP posts:
BumDNC · 09/12/2016 18:06

I've had had a lot of happy single years and this year I met a lovely man. I'm just sitting waiting for him to bring me some dinner Grin

I Am very glad now I had my single years I learnt a lot about myself and could put myself first. Friendshps are very important to invest in during this time. Flowers

BillericayDuckie · 09/12/2016 18:07

Personally, I think you can be in a relationship because you want to, because you feel like it, but never because you need it, as that is the perfect way to get trapped in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, and being trapped in such relationship would make you more unhappy than being on your own.

^ this is so true! Thank you Karma

Being in a similar situation to OP, I need to chant this every day so I don't end up in another unhappy relationship.

SparklyMagpie · 09/12/2016 18:07

Sorry to hear of your loss OP

How old are your children?

You're still a spring chicken, don't give up

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 09/12/2016 18:07

My marriage ended over a year ago after 14 years together.

I knew I had a lot of healing to do so I concentrated on that. Yes I was bored, lonely, fearful but I also decompressed and subconsciously built myself up again.

I am concentrating on boundaries in general; what isn't acceptable to me so that I can move on with my life in an open frame of mind.

I won't give of myself too easily (if that makes sense) and am holding back but have met a lovely guy who is everything my ex wasn't.

I'm convinced that ppl pick up on our vibes. You can change yours, I promise FlowersStar

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 18:11

Karma- you are absolutely right. I know that.
What is hard is I'll never see my ex again. There is no closure and he is all smily faces with the new woman.
I blew up and sent him some very angry texts but ultimately he doesn't care. I'm extremely hurt what I went through and he really doesn't care.
Thing is karma I push myself to do things but I feel like I'm not breaking.. I've run off adrenaline and now I feel so angry with everyone- it's not like me. I also feel judged by the friends I confided in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 18:13

I'm still in the marital home but want to move. I want a fresh start..

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 09/12/2016 18:17

Oh OP it's very hard when you still have feelings for the ex, is he the father of your children?
My ex moved on, in fact 4 weeks before our son was born, I was distraught but I'd already kicked him out as I knew we'd never get back together.

As far as I know he's still with her an I only know that as he sent me a picture recently of a present he's got our son for Xmas with her lacy dressing gown behind it Hmm

Sometimes I wish we were still together, I met one person who only used me as a one night stand and it's put me off,but I understand. As much as I just want me and my son to be happy, and I am happy sometimes I crave for someone to be by my side, that I can look forward to seeing and we can do nice things together.

But I'm stuck in a rut between knowing if that IS what I want or if it isn't :(

It's hard, but you're young enough to still have the chance to find it!

I'm 26 and I know one day I'll have that person by my side.

It's not too late and no need to rush

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 09/12/2016 18:17

Un I understand. I was judged, totally unfairly by a friend I confided it. I've let her go (bloody painful)

I also removed myself from social media so that I could not see what ex was up to.

What you feel is normal, Google Fisher's Transition Model - none of this is linear or sequential; we have twists and turns, moments that take our breath away with the unfairness.

FWIW I told myself that ex could be happy with someone else ( although it prob wouldn't last as they'd end up wanting to leave him too) even tho he was a bullying shit to me. I did this so that I could feel better, so that I didn't feel consumed any more.

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