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Original poster

Being single

52 replies

Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 14:12

Ok, so I'm 40, divorced and had 2 relationships since my divorce although haven't lived with either.
I've been really hurt and really am not sure I'll ever get myself together yet again and ready for another relationship.
I'm working on myself at the moment but recognise I'm a bit depressed and living in the past.
Any positive stories out there? Do I give up on meeting anyone and accept I'm going to be on my own?i really don't want to be. I'm finding it lonely..

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Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 18:30

I only have 1 ds to my exh.
Miscarriage was with recent ex. I also had miscarriage with ex before too. (This is over a 7 year period since split with exh)
Yes I lost my best friend this year too as she deceived me messaging my ex. Very painful losing a friend isn't it..I'll google fischers

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CarolOfTheBells · 09/12/2016 18:39

I'm single. I'm content to be so, at the moment, but I can't say I'm 'happy'. I'm happy doing things on my own, I'm not desperate for a boyfriend or a partner, but it would be nice to think that there is someone out there in the world who thinks of me now and again and wants to spend time with me.

It makes me really sad to think that I could only be half way through my life and single and there is a very real risk that I could spend the rest of my life alone.

I'm very much aware that sometimes I finish work on a Friday night and, if the children are with their dad, I might not utter a word to another person until they return on a Sunday. I have friends, but they have families, partners, other friends to see...

I'm only 41.

amimakingitup · 09/12/2016 19:05

I was single for four years (33-37), loved every minute of it. Totally found myself after being a pathological people-pleaser and (therefore?) getting into an EA marriage. Loads of fun flings but never found anyone that I wanted to/would allow into my family realm - basically lived a polar life either at home with my DC, working or out with ever-increasing band of friends (lots of new ones especially gay as old friends mainly in Baby Zone at that point). On the nights I was free I was up for anything and would cycle anywhere and found that being energetic made me more energetic. Work for charity so not out doing expensive stuff, mainly couple of drinks in a pub or free events (London, so probably easier for that than anywhere else) or round at someone's house. Have always really valued and worked hard at my friendships and redoubled this during the period and fully embraced an 'emotionally plural' life. I think in part it was just really attractive not depending on one person for anything. It takes a lot of effort but it's so rewarding being there for your friends and being thoughtful and remembering stuff. Volunteering is also really good for self-esteem (and society!).

Had a relationship for a year until this summer which was quite remote, semi long-distance and saw each other 2-3 times a month, felt happy with that but we broke up for other reasons. Have since fallen head over heels and am finally happy to immerse someone in my life and family - it's a combination of him being the best person in the world ever, our lives and kids being compatible, and me being happy and confident in myself and feel like the kids and I are very firmly settled in our redefined relationship (plus they're growing up and want to hang out with me less...!). Would happily have carried on being single - in fact when broke up with the LD ex was pleased to be back and have my child-free weekends to do fun stuff, then accidentally got thunderbolted :) - really did happen when I least expected it, though!

There are actually much better/safer ways of not being lonely than pinning all your hopes on one person, is my main point. I was way lonelier in my marriage than I ever was single.

Malibubu · 09/12/2016 19:28

Unrequitedlove, think I remember you from 30 day no contact. Like you I'm still in the home I shared with my ex of 18 years. We split two years ago and I had an LDR this year that didn't work out. I would like sell the house and move out in the not too distant future and will never see the guy I had an LDR with which ended purely because of distance. BUT I'm OK with being on my own now. Hope you too will feel better soon..

KarmaNoMore · 09/12/2016 19:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AwfulSomething · 09/12/2016 19:36

I don't really understand so have no advice to give. 43, single, never married and honestly couldn't be happier! I love my friends but do crave alone time. Relationships used to dominate my free time which I always ended up resenting.

ShotsFired · 09/12/2016 19:46

Similar age as you OP, was single pretty much solidly from teens till recently and had never had a serious adult relationship in my life.

I'm happy now, but on reflection I am so glad I had such a long time by myself because it made me far more capable and self-reliant than a lot of people I know who have bounced from relationship to relationship since youth. They are terrified of not having a partner (any partner will do so it seems) and seem to have no understanding that being alone DOES NOT equal being lonely.

My point is that this time could be/should be/will be a chance for you to take a breath and (cringe) get to know you, be you, live with you. Then when you do meet someone, you will be comfortable knowing you are allright as you are and a new partner is just the icing on the cake of life.

SoleBizzz · 09/12/2016 19:54

I have just found a Meet Up group for single people. How to cope after heartbreak and move onto dating. See if there is a group in your area. I'm definitely going next time. This group is full tomorrow.

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 21:07

Malibu, yes was on 30 day no contact. I just found about about the new woman last week. I'm not sure why this has really set me back. I can't seem to 'shake' him and think he's the closest I got to real love. But there were times I felt we were incompatible.. what am I doing and why do I feel this way?
Not sure why, but I feel utterly rejected by everyone at the moment

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Angleshades · 09/12/2016 22:17

Hi Unrequited. I think you're being so tough on yourself. You've been through a lot this year and are still grieving. Give yourself time and space to come to terms with your loss and with the betrayals you've faced. Of course you're going to be angry and hurt when you've invested so much emotionally. How did the counselling session go?

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 22:26

Angel. The counsellor said she doesn't know how I'm still standing.
She also cried when I told her stuff.. perhaps I hit a nerve? Although lovely I'm not sure she is quite what I need..was a little Hmm at the crying!

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Angleshades · 09/12/2016 22:43

lol I'm not surprised you were Hmm at the crying. She's supposed to be helping you. You have really been through it though so give yourself some credit, you're still here and holding it together and yes you're feeling down but you're only human and you have a right to be angry and upset.

Was it your ex best friend that your ex is now seeing? Slight understatement but it's a double whammy to lose a friend and dp at the same time. Sounds like you are much better off without them.

Time to start looking after yourself me thinks. What little things do you like doing that are just for you? I.e. A trip to the cinema alone, feet up with a hot chocolate by the fire, a good read of a new book you've just treated yourself to... just a little something by yourself where you are looking after yourself and giving yourself small treats after the misery you've been through.

Once you start to feel a little better then start getting back out there again and rebuilding your social life or dating life again. You'll feel much better and stronger for having rebuilt yourself before getting involved with anyone else.

OhBlissOhJoy · 09/12/2016 22:44

Sounds like you've had a tough year Unrequited. I understand where you are coming from, 3 months into a break up after 13 years and have just moved into my new place. The first few days I was so happy to have a roof over my head again but today I am struggling with having my own company again with no plans for the weekend. I've joined a meetup group but feel I have nothing to say so haven't gone to any events yet.

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 22:50

It's not just this last year I'm dissappointed with. I didn't think I'd be where I am at 40. I don't have a career. I also have a bullying mother who I rely on for childcare but otherwise critical and unsupportive.
No, not ex best friend but the woman he is with, he insisted was a friend who had a partner. Hmm
I feel so disconnected from everyone, I'm in my house in my own bubble with my ds and others are sat at home in company.
I'm not liking much at the moment Angel.
Recently being drunk and eating too much and also spending too much Sad

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Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 22:51

My parents don't know about miscarriage

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Angleshades · 09/12/2016 23:08

I think 40 is a funny age where you start questioning what you've achieved in life. I don't have a career either but I'm damned if I'm going to let that define who I am as a person and whether I've passed or failed at life. I know quite a few people who have hit their 40's and spiralled into depression questioning everything about who they are job wise, relationship wise...etc and that's people who I would have thought had everything going for them.

You've had a tough start with a bullying mother and you've had some horrible things happen to you this year. But amongst all the bad stuff you've got some amazing stuff too though it's probably tough for you to recognise at the moment. You have your lovely ds with you so you're not totally without company. I'm in the same boat, it's just me and my dd and as hard as parenting is sometimes I try and focus on the wonderful relationship I have with her and I feel very lucky to have her.

There must be other postives in your life that you can try to focus on that will give you a bit of hope in these unhappy times.

I know what you mean about spending too much and eating too much. I'm guilty of doing these things myself lately but I'm going to put that right with some overtime and after Christmas I'm going to join a gym and get super fit for next spring/summer. Do you have any goals you'd like to reach?

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 10/12/2016 09:34

Thanks Angel. I've had a lot of sleep but those feelings have come back this morning. I'm going to gp on Monday for ads. I can't get the image of them both out of my mind, imagining what they're doing for Christmas etc when this time last year we stayed in a lovely hotel..
I do have a particular goal already set but don't want to be outed but am behind schedule.

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Blushingm · 10/12/2016 09:41

I'm feeling the same. It's only been 5 months single but I'm so lonely - I miss having to care for me and love me just for being me. It feels like I'll never be wanted........I'm the only one if my female friends who is single

Blushingm · 10/12/2016 09:42

I'm 38 and was with my stbxh for 18 years

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 10/12/2016 09:52

Blush. Horrible feeling isn't it? Do you have plans for the weekend?

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jeaux90 · 10/12/2016 10:16

Big hug OP. Yes it's hard at first and I agree with others about the concentrating on your own recovery first. Lay off the booze, get the house sold and start a new chapter. I found the first two years really hard (left an abusive narc and moved back from the gulf, no financial support from him with a 2 year old) life was very hard and lonely at first despite the immense feeling of freedom I had.

You really need to heal and get happy in your own company before moving on. Get some exercise, look after yourself, etc.

Then, start dating. I gave myself 4 years in total from leaving until I started this and it was just frivolous. Recently (and this is 6 years after leaving and I am now 45) I have met someone. We are taking it slow and this is mainly because I am now so happy being single I am in no rush to involve myself full time.

I look back on my journey with happiness and pride that I survived and grew back into that strong independant woman I once was with knobs on.

It all did feel hard and lonely at times but the journey is worth it and you will not just survive but grow stronger from this. Let yourself feel the pain, it's ok, it won't kill you.

Big big hug and lots of love xxx

Allofaflumble · 10/12/2016 10:24

I have Aspergers so am 95% happy to be alone but the 5% times can be tough.

It really is amazing just how coupled up society is. It seems (particularly for men) that it is perfectly possible to move seamlessly from one relationship to another.

I'm sure some relationships are healthy but there are a lot that aren't and I have yet to covet someone else's partner. Mostly it seems like a lot of hard work, putting up with addictions, weird habits, grumpiness etc.

Good luck to all who would really want a relationship though.

Blushingm · 10/12/2016 10:33

Dd (10)sees he dad Saturday afternoons (that's all she wants) ds (15) doesn't see his dad out of choice, I've said he's old enough to make up his own mind so he will be out with his friends this afternoon. I've a 40th tonight - I'm going solo so won't stay long. Sunday me and dd are rearranging her room. I try & keep busy at weekends - friends are all doing family/partner stuff and I don't want to think too much

Aussiemum78 · 10/12/2016 10:57

I left my ex but I still went through the most horrific stress when he moved on. I dwelled on it for weeks even though I don't want him back.

A big part of it - he was still living in our house, he stopped seeing dd when he met her and our relationship was abusive and I know theirs isn't (yet). It really hurt but I did get through it, just took time.

I know it was irrational but I was gutted. What you're feeling is normal.

Original poster
Unrequitedlove · 10/12/2016 15:19

I felt so unbelievably low last night but have exercised today and feel a bit better and more optimistic.. really difficult to have swinging emotions..

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