Help me interpret this email from an exDP

[jaffacakesaremyfave]

If an ex from a year ago sent this email how would you interpret it?

Jaffa, the love i had for u was real and i still love u now. Things are different in my life this side. we can still keep in touch though Jaffa...i will always respect you

I'm guessing the 'different' means he's in another relationship and it's serious. I want to get back together with him but after receiving this I'm confused as he says he still loves me but then the word 'though' means whatever 'different' means, we can keep in touch despite this.

I can't stop analysing every word and it's driving me nuts!

In my opinion the best thing you can do now is go out and have some fun. I don't know how old you are but go our dancing, have a bit of a flirt, it's party season after all. I'm not saying jump into bed with the first guy who pays any attention bit you never know...

The rest of the time stay busy. Start a project, see friends - and block. Photos, everything. Have a ritual burning if you need to. Can you tell I've been through this?

Thanks everyone, I've had a good nights sleep and I've woken up feeling abit more philosophical about it all.

It was unfair of me to ask him why he didn't want to stay in touch and I've opened up a big wound. I clearly wanted validation that what we had was real because he really was amazing and we both loved each other a lot.

I'm in my 30's and have been married before and we had 3 DC but never felt that strongly about anyone and he said the same in his email to me. I'm usually a huge cynic when it comes to love and men as my exH was abusive and I've been around long enough to see through bullshit. I believe I meant a lot to him once and that has to be enough for me now.

I do date/have dated and go out. I've carried on with my life as he has. I think I might always have this sadness lingering in the background about what could have been. I know it's not his job to make that go away anymore. I will always love him though

Ah, you're still feeling raw and searching for something, you will find someone else.

I think you probably understand that he cares about you as a friend, but I think he is involved with someone else and has moved on. You will too, it just takes time.💐

The key word is "Had". If he still loved you he'd have said "The love I have for you is real" not had.
I think he's trying to let you down gently. Move on Op, time to let go and look closer to home.

I know, he mixes past tense with present which is why I was initially confused as the first line says I still love you now but then the rest is had, was etc.

That's why I posted but I can see its unanimous that it was a goodbye email which I think I knew deep down.

This is the whole email

'Jaffa, the love i had for u was real and i still love u now. i always think about things we used to do, times we used to spend together and it was very special. To me you'll never ever be the crazy ex..i loved u big time. Ive never felt that way about anyone else before...i loved u and u were my friend..sad..the card u gave me i still have, our pics i still have...u r beautiful and smart,.and i know you're getting a lot of attention that side..,

i do care about u a lot Jaffa.,.and i dont want you to compare yourself to any of my ex-girlfriends, you and me shared a special bond. By the way, you remember the envelope we got from the little child when we were on our way to XXXXX, i still have it....
things are different in my life this side. we can still keep in touch though Jaffa...i will always respect you'

Yeah.....that's a "fond farewell" email.

Sorry.

The backstory to the envelope he kept is that when we were on a bus in the country we met travelling somewhere (over 2 years ago), a little girl started drawing a picture of us both together. She drew a ring on my finger.

I can't believe he kept it :(

That's definitely a "I think fondly of you but it's over" email. It was the nicest way of leaving things; closing the chapter, after you said you wouldn't bother him again.

I believe I meant a lot to him once and that has to be enough for me now.

You undoubtedly did. The fact that it's over now doesn't change what it was; he probably did love and respect you, he probably does have fond memories.

I think there's a pretty unfortunate blend of you searching for what you want to see (understandably) and him struggling with tenses as English is not his first language (also understandable), but his intentions and meaning are clear.

It will get easier. Look after yourself

Definitely a farewell email.

And "things are different" doesn't necessarily even mean that he's met someone else, but could just mean that he has work that he can never leave or family he's committed to etc.

And the fundamental reason for your split still exists - the relationship has no future due to the distance.

OP: I think you're struggling to move on because you have utterly romanticised this man. It's very easy to imagine someone to be prefect when he lives in another country and you only see each other occasionally.

Any other man you try dating won't stand a chance against the idea of this perfect ex because he will be a real person with foibles and faults. Your ex also has plenty of foibles and faults but you don't recognise them.

It won't simply have been the distance that caused the break up. It was a distance neither of you was willing to overcome. You and he may think there was no possibility of being together in the same country but the truth will be that neither of you was genuinely willing to take that risk for the other (which is totally fair enough and utterly sensible). Maybe try to think more objectively about it all and you might start to see that it was just as unworkable relationship with a nice (but not perfect) man. Its perfectly possible for you to be happy without it and to potentially find yourself in a workable relationship with some other nice (but not perfect) man.

And definitely don't email him again.

Oh love, you have my sympathy. I've been in similar situations to you, obsessing and romanticizing over what might have been.

You know now that he was letting you down gently, so hopefully you're not still torturing yourself trying to interpret his emails.

Next step is to try to heal yourself. I'm going to be brutal here - your last email was verging on making a fool of yourself (and I'm not judging you, I've done similar myself). If you contact him again, you absolutely will make a fool of yourself and may even push him into sending a stronger rejection. You dont want that, so don't do that to yourself.

Your obsession with him won't go away overnight, so don't worry about that for now. Just focus on not contacting him again. Allow yourself some time to think about the good times you had together, and you should take comfort in the fact that he clearly has fond memories of you too. You're not the crazy ex sending him naked pictures of yourself - you're way better than that.

Next, focus on distracting yourself. Go out on dates, fill your life. Know that this man who you think so highly of clearly valued and respected you - use that to boost your self confidence and find someone else who will feel the same about you.

And finally - buy yourself this as a Christmas present:
He's just not that into you

It's an excellent book, funny but really helps shine the spotlight on the type of obsessing that you're describing here. And you will see that you're certainly not the only woman who has done this, you're not alone

I am romanticising our relationship but then to me it was so romantic and felt like it was meant to be.

He was a medical student, I was a scientist doing some research in the country he was studying. For the first few weeks we were friends, I met him on the second day I was there and from then on we were inseparable. He was always so respectful of me, he never pushed anything even though I knew he wanted more than friendship. I'd never been treated this way before and he's helped me to see that I should never accept anything less.

I fell seriously ill a few weeks after we met and was in hospital for over a week. He stayed by my side everyday in hospital and looked after me when I got home, cleaned up my sick, made sure I was taking my medication and tried to make me eat. Without him there during that time I don't know what I would have done as I knew no one else there, just the staff at the laboratory I was working in. Looking back it was so kind of him, we had only known each other for a month but he stayed by my bedside for hours at a time when he could have just walked away.

I think that's why I bonded with him so strongly, for those few weeks he was everything I had and was there when I thought I was going to die in a strange country. I was so scared but he stayed with me.

I can see his human side and I recognise and accept his flaws. We never lived together so I guess I never got annoyed at him leaving his pants around or leaving the toilet seat up, but I know I would have loved him regardless of this.

I fully accept what has been said on this thread and I appreciate all of the kind comments. I actually do love him enough to want the best for him which I know is marrying someone from his own culture where he can also be with his family. This is the main reason I will leave him alone now (along with knowing he's over me)

In a way this is a beautiful memory to hold forever. He was your heroic rescuer, he took great care of you when you were so utterly vulnerable. It's inevitable that this relationship went so deep and that you would long to be able to keep it. But you don't need to be rescued now. Back then, it was a blessing - with a time limit.

It's ok to treasure what was but it might actually retain its shine in a healthy way if you can, in time, come to terms with the event-specific nature of this encounter. It will happen, Jaffa; and isn't it a miracle of sorts that you experienced a man who was not abusive? Sort of balancing for your life from now on?

I am not surprised you love him Jaffa, he sounds lovely. Not many ex-partners would have taken the trouble to let you down in such a kind and considerate way. Make no mistake though, he is telling you - in a nice way - that your relationship is over.

I completely understand your pain and disappointment, but hold on to the good memories and let him do the same. You are clearly a person who is capable of having a good loving relationship and you will find someone else.

Let yourself grieve for a while. Unfortunately, there is no way of short cutting this painful part of the breaking up process, but you can avoid making it longer than it needs to be with acceptance.

Good luck.

It's easy to see why you fell so deeply for him.

Go easy on yourself, treasure the memories, and know that you'll find something even better with someone who is available one day
xx