Bickering with DH - how can I improve weekends as this is not fun?

[SecretMagicThings]

Together with DH for 15 years. We were happy before having DC (we have two aged 6 and 3) but since DC, especially DC2 we just don't seem to get on .

I feel that any time we spend together as a family (or rare time alone as a couple) is spent stressed and bickering. Not in front of DC but their behaviour always seems worse when we are both off together.

I'm starting to think this is ridiculous and can't continue. We've talked about it loads but nothing changes. Fault on both sides I'm sure.

Common arguments:-
Mess - he hates it, I do try to be tidy but think it's part of life with DC
Activities on weekends - he says we do too much but when I ask what he wants to do he basically wants to relax (watch telly etc) in a way that I do not think is compatible with youngish DC
Play dates - again, he doesn't like them because of the mess which I just think is fucking miserable.
Work - he's full time and I know he feels I have an easier ride as I am part time - money is tight but manageable and the part time thing is an agreed decision which he says he supports.
Discipline- I think he's too harsh; he thinks I'm too weak.

But... we love each other, compromise on activities at the weekend and things can be really good. Sex life has improved recently. I'm sure there is a way to improve this but with another weekend stretching ahead we are both miserable. It shouldn't be like this :(

Indeed Karma, I'm sure that finishers tee shirt is keeping him warm in bed at night. And it was worth losing his kids for the sake of that PB

Wow thanks for all replies .

It all sounds so familiar! I should clarify (sorry if drip feeding) that I never normally come out and support him as it is so fucking boring for us all a nightmare with small children. He knows this and actually after an event where his parents watched even his dad said he couldn't believe how boring it was! We do the odd family fun run which is fine. This is a big race which is why I think he expected support.

Re. my time to exercise. I have found a pattern (only in the last few months as less tired generally) where I do a DVD once a week when I put DD2 in front of telly, run or DVD on my free Friday mornings and then try to get out once in the weekend. So I do run but only a slow 5k on my own. Don't want to join a running club.

I don't mind him running in general, exercise is good and I like the fact it keeps him fit so would much rather he did something.

Yes, re. the wankerish leaving one person with the shit, that is exactly what he does to me but I still think it's wrong so don't do it to him. Can't do parkrun as I take the DC to an activity that day.

Still wanting to shag him... well he is fairly fit! Also I think that might be unrelated to the relationship. Not really relevant to this thread but a few months ago I had a weird late thirties rise in sex drive and we have been having a lot more sex. So I am wanting it a lot more iyswim .

I think it would serve you well to revise your attitude about solo time on the weekends. I don't think it's wankerish (is that even a word :lol:) but an important part of sharing life as a family. He gets time to pursue his activity while you take care of the children, and you should get an equal amount of time to yourself.

For one thing, taking care of kids is endless and everyone needs a break from it at some point. For another, if you go out he will have to be the parent the kids turn to if you're not there.

What happens if you do go out and leave him with the kids?

He gets on ok! He is stricter than me and the house is tidier but the DC seem to have fun. However, he wouldn't take them to a party or a play date or anything like that. So they would probably have to miss them if I went out.

It just all seems to go more wrong when we are all together. The DC play up and he seems to manage to opt out of parenting. They will walk past him to get me even though I call them out on it almost every time.

I guess I feel guilty as I have just reduced my hours at work (evil boss and struggling to make t work with childcare hours) so feel he is having to take on more at his work. Idk, I find it hard to even phrase what I want to say to explain it...

I could hoof it into town for 2-3 hours, come back and find DH had sat there with them for 3 hours with the TV on, so the balance of doing something to wear them out would still be on me. as I said, I know it will get better as it's the toddler stage I find wearing so I'm happy to wait it out. It's hard to get past the resentment though.

YY a lot that is exactly it!!

If the kids have a playdate or party, then take them if he won't. You don't have to be fixed on when your solo time is. If he does actually parent when you're not there then you need to give him more of that time without you.

Kids are incredibly smart and manipulative. (Lovable too of course, it's a package.) If he is stricter than you and you are both there of course they're going to you! The more you're not there and he has to be the responsible parent, the easier it will get for him.

And if he has solo time, you have solo time, then maybe you can find some things to do in your family time that you all enjoy. Maybe play a board game, or have a family movie night?

We have had a long chat. Not sure if things will improve as we have had these chats before but we are planning:-

One day per month we will mark in the diary as family time and go out and do something

Weekly calendar meeting (rock and roll)!

I have 5000 words to write by February so going to go out or lock myself away a couple of afternoons in January to get it done will still be up late a lot of nights

The mess issue... I don't think we will ever agree and we both find it so tiring to constantly argue over it . I have said I'll try to be tidier but that I really need him to come home each day in a better frame of mind and at least complain less about it.

I think we are just fundamentally different and don't know why I never realised this pre DC. Will have to just hope things improve somehow.

We have 4 DC and used to bicker a lot on so called "relaxing" weekends. We worked out that I'm better at the hanging out at home stuff and he's better at the going out and being active stuff. He takes them out in the weekend mornings for a few hours of (planned) sport/activity and I do chores, or work or exercise and then I step up in the afternoons with homework, games, reading on the couch etc.

Morning exercise is the key though- takes the edge of the kids and they settle better at home afterwards.

You need to find some coping techniques that both alert him to what's going on, and don't start an argument. Have you considered a sign? It could say 'remember what I said how you coming home from work and complaining about the mess makes me miserable as soon as you walk in the door? I wasn't grumpy and miserable 10 minutes ago.' Then you just hold it up , don't follow it up with a conversation, and the fact that you can just use the same sign every time highlights how much it happens... just brainstorming here!

nolonger I suppose we sort of do that in that we know what we each do best with them but could look at it again as I'm sure we could improve it. Could try to add in more exercise in the morning for them.

Can't imagine weekends with 4 DC are remotely relaxing!

time that is a great idea, will think of a suitable sign (not the one I would like to make but a friendlier one!)

I totally agree about morning exercise - the weekends where we do this and have a relaxing afternoon are so much better than the lazy mornings where everyone is cross by lunchtime.

Yes, I struggle as they have ballet in the morning on sat which theoretically should tire them out but doesn't. Might start heading to the local soft play after ballet then hope for a more chilled out afternoon for us all.

Today ok so far, we are off out to a family friend's party so we are all going so not a typical day anyway.