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Original poster

Bickering with DH - how can I improve weekends as this is not fun?

65 replies

SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 09:40

Together with DH for 15 years. We were happy before having DC (we have two aged 6 and 3) but since DC, especially DC2 we just don't seem to get on Sad.

I feel that any time we spend together as a family (or rare time alone as a couple) is spent stressed and bickering. Not in front of DC but their behaviour always seems worse when we are both off together.

I'm starting to think this is ridiculous and can't continue. We've talked about it loads but nothing changes. Fault on both sides I'm sure.

Common arguments:-
Mess - he hates it, I do try to be tidy but think it's part of life with DC
Activities on weekends - he says we do too much but when I ask what he wants to do he basically wants to relax (watch telly etc) in a way that I do not think is compatible with youngish DC
Play dates - again, he doesn't like them because of the mess which I just think is fucking miserable.
Work - he's full time and I know he feels I have an easier ride as I am part time - money is tight but manageable and the part time thing is an agreed decision which he says he supports.
Discipline- I think he's too harsh; he thinks I'm too weak.

But... we love each other, compromise on activities at the weekend and things can be really good. Sex life has improved recently. I'm sure there is a way to improve this but with another weekend stretching ahead we are both miserable. It shouldn't be like this :(

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 13:54

Sorry for third post - realised that made him sound terrible! He is just grumpy, nothing worse than that. I don't dread hearing the key in the door or anything like that.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 09/12/2016 13:56

He sounds like the selfish one and you are minimising his behaviour.

We were happy before having

You still are happy, it's him that isn't and that's not right, they are his children.

HarrietVane99 · 09/12/2016 14:05

Dh likes to have a few beers and watch the footie in the afternoon but he knows that this comes with sitting on the floor doing jigsaws, colouring or whatever. Your dh seems a bit unrealistic and selfish regarding the kids. Weekends are still about entertaining the kids whilst trying to snatch a bit for ourselves too.

Why shouldn't children be left to entertain themselves, with an adult within sight or hearing? Children need time and space to develop their own play, and they also need downtime where they're not doing anything in particular - the equivalent of watching the footie with a beer. I don't have children, but I was a child once, and some of my clearest early childhood memories are of the imaginative games my siblings and I worked out for ourselves without any adult input.

KarmaNoMore · 09/12/2016 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bagina · 09/12/2016 14:11

HarrietVane99 Well personally speaking my dc play brilliant imaginative games together. Everything they do is role play...BUT...they have to be in the mood, they're not tolerant of each other sometimes, they wind each other up, they fight, they get over tired. Then it's good to settle them with an activity and they usually want to do this with mummy or daddy. Obviously I'd imagine this will peter out. Mine are 5 and 3. At three they're still learning basic skills such as sharing. It's quite intensive as a parent to stay on top of their play.

Bagina · 09/12/2016 14:12

SecretMagicThings at least you still want to shag him; that means a lot I think!

Bagina · 09/12/2016 14:16

KarmaNoMore Sorry, not hijacking, how do you know if you're bickering because your relationship's dying? How do you know if that's what's happening or if it's just intense family life?

Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 14:39

Hijack away! Some good points, thanks all.

Yes, still want to shag him Grin.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 09/12/2016 14:45

Another thing that really helped with DS was small was actually going away just the two of us ( not me and DS Grin - DH and I of course).

It was nice being able to reconnect as adults and not having to concentrate on DS for a change, helped me to remember that DH has really good points as well as ones that can be annoying in relation to joint child rearing.

Do you have any family that could look after the DCs if you went away for a night or so ?

Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 15:00

That sounds like a good idea - I actually might see if we could do that sometime next year. We are actually going away for a night in the spring and his parents are looking after but it is for him to run a race and I can't say I'm looking forward to it. It clashes with a drama show rehearsal and would really be easier if he went on his own as now in-laws have to ferry DC to rehearsal so we are out of favours for this one. He said he thought it would be nice for us to have a night away (except he will be running all day and it will be busy and the night before he will need to rest) and had thought they could just skip the rehearsal Hmm. It is this kind of thing we fall out over.

Possibly could ask my parents to babysit at another point though. I might see if we could book something after Valentine's Day.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 09/12/2016 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 15:44

Bizarrely I'd say the sex is the best bit of our relationship at the moment (I had a thread on here!). That and sitting on the sofa together at the end of the night. It's the real life child rearing things we argue about.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 09/12/2016 15:55

Sorry but he sounds really selfish after your update.

A night away sans rug-rats focussed around his race. I'd bin that one off. Sounds like he had to book the room anyway to get to the race location and you coming is so you can cheer him on and look after his stuff. Personally I would have declined that offer. A proper night away involves you both having alcohol a nice meal and a late night, not listen to someone bang on about carb-loading and drink water.

However to be fair, I'm not sure that 3 and 6 year olds should be in something so intensive that it requires rehearsals that are booked in so far in advance and that cannot be missed.

Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 16:06

rookie that is exactly it with the running weekend. You sound as if you know how these things work Xmas Grin. I am not impressed but it is a big race and he thought I'd enjoy it Hmm

The other side is as you say, he thinks is the rehearsal is too much anyway (it really is a once a year drama type thing though).

OP posts:
rookiemere · 09/12/2016 16:17

I do indeed secret and I know some runners, although thankfully DH is more of a hillwalker which he tends to do with his nephews/friends, now that I have convinced him that my idea of a good weekend away does not involve vertical ascents for 4 hrs, scrambling and crying at the top, then descents for 3hrs ( perfectly happy with a nice long day walk through).

He's taking you for granted. Tell him to organise a night away for you both that doesn't involve him being the centre of attention, or tell him you aren't going along to the race. In fact can you get out of going to the race ? Means that ILs are available to babysit for a proper night away that can be arranged at an appropriate date.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 09/12/2016 16:23

Part of one of your earlier posts rang a bell with me.

he has this idealised idea of family time where we all get on and we do fun educational things and we don't argue and the DC don't bicker. No idea how to get to that point or if t fact it is even possible!

I reckon I had that exact same idealisation. So did DH. Then I had children and had to deal with the reality.

Your DH hasn't learned because he doesn't do it.

How's he going to learn how to parent if you do it all or tell him what's the right way? He's got to find his own methods, he will get it wrong at first, it will all end in tears a few times, same as I'm sure it has for you.

Your way won't be his way.

Leave him to it more often. Do not comment, judge, rescue.

Just let him work out for himself that watching the rugby peacefully is an impossible dream when you have to look after small children.

Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 16:31

I do try to leave him to it but the DC come to me if we are in the house together. He does have them on his own for bedtime fairly regularly when I work late.

At the weekends I don't feel I could just leave them to it as that would mean me just going out in my own and I sort of feel it is a bit wankerish to do that and leave the other parent all the shit to do on a regular basis just for fun. Maybe I have that wrong though and hope that doesn't offend anyone.

We do sometimes split up the DC and take one each but the challenge is looking after them both together as we all know.

OP posts:
Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 16:35

If I get out of going to the race I will be labelled unsupportive wife by the inlaws. Not worth the hassle now.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 09/12/2016 16:35

From reading your posts OP you are giving him far more importance than you yourself, it's as though they are your kids and he's doing you a favour by looking after them, so not right, you are meant to be equal, a team, I couldn't live with someone that 1. was miserable because he can't be arsed to bring up his kids and 2. he thinks he's more important than you, but that's just me, perhaps you are more accommodating.

He's the one with the problem so what's he doing to address it.

rookiemere · 09/12/2016 16:43

Sorry secret but yes I think the only way to change the situation is to be a bit more selfish. I read runrabbits post as saying that your DH needs to do a bit more childcare on his own.

Solo bedtimes are good, but as you say at the weekend the DC always goes to the parent they are going to get a response from, so unless you are out of the equation then that isn't going to happen and your DH isn't going to learn that a) watching tv for long periods of time whilst a 3yr old and 6yr old entertain themselves is not a realistic expectation and is only imagined by those without DCs themselves and that b) you are a person too with your own wants and desires.

I'd be tempted to take up running yourself Grin. We take turns to do parkrun if we can't convince DS to go.

As for in-laws labelling you unsupportive. He's a grown man, why on earth should he need his wee wifey to cheer him on at the finish, fair enough if it was easy to achieve, but it's causing everyone else considerable inconvenience.

RolfsBabyGrand · 09/12/2016 16:53

I used to have similar shit weekends. I would do all of the early starts, most of the childcare and if any plans were made it was up to me to make them. He'd have a lie in, long shower, pop to gym, another shower, a sit down. Some days a trip to the supermarket was the only outing of the weekend. Anything more elaborate and he'd look like I'd given him a shit sandwich and he moaned on about how he wished he was out on his bloody bike.

We aren't together anymore and my weekends are infinitely better! But unlike you I'd totally went off sex with him cos felt like the household drudge and resented him so I'm sure you can work it out.

Maybe agree some chilcare shifts over weekends so you each get your own time and use any available childcare to go out as a couple.

I used to ask my ex to take a day off work so we could spend it together while dc in nursery. He never did (well not for me, he was off shagging other woman whilst pretending to be at work but that's another story). That would've been nice.

HanShootsFirst · 09/12/2016 16:54

I sort of feel it is a bit wankerish to do that and leave the other parent all the shit to do on a regular basis just for fun.

Isn't that what he does to you though on the weekends when he goes out for a run? When do you get time to yourself to exercise (or just vegetate if you choose)?

Kr1stina · 09/12/2016 17:25

I'm a runner too and I see lots of male runners who are dads of your kids behaving in a similarly wanker ish way. They sign up to a big event that requires hours of training weekly for months and then tell their partners and act all suprised when they make this face Hmm.

Then they use training as an excuse to get out of the bits of family life they don't like. Typically the 6-8pm slot after work or a whole day at the wekeend. Then they claim it's not their fault because it's on their training schedule.

So they run before or after work three times and week and go to the gym at least another day. Because cross training is essential. Then it's a long run at the weekend, so that takes the whole day.

And of course they have to go to bed early as all that training is so tiring.

I don't any women runners who have jobs and young kids who act in this way, they all work really hate to ensure that their training doesn't impact on their time with their kids or leave their OH carrying all the load.

Then these men have the cheek to expect the wife and kids to stand in the rain for hours to "support them ".

Original poster
SecretMagicThings · 09/12/2016 17:28

Still here, have friends round for play date, will reply

OP posts:
Adora10 · 09/12/2016 17:32

Kr1, you've nailed it.