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Original poster

Partner and his ex

40 replies

confused114 · 09/12/2016 08:19

Hi

Dp has a 3 year old son. I have 2 children. I'm writing on here because I'm really struggling to deal with dps relationship with this ex. It's absolutely toxic and it's getting to the point where I've had enough.

Last night dp dropped his ds off and came home absolutely fuming because his ex has said she's going to csa. This has all stated because she won't let dp have their son at any point over Christmas Day.

Now I dislike his ex. She stops dp from having dss whenever she likes - for no reason. She will book trips away on the weekend he's meant to be with us. She will refuse to come and pick him up when it's her turn. She will demand with we have dss whenever she wants so she can go out - which we don't mind as we absolutely love having him obviously.

Lately this has been going on a lot. We had booked a family day out to see santa next weekend which has been booked for months. She's always known about it. She's not said dss cannot go because she's doing something with him.

We had started having dss one night through the week and she's put a stop on that too because she wants to go out on that night and she 'cannot be arsed to drop him off as she won't have time to get ready' so she will just 'give him to a mare instead' Angry

So yeah I don't like her much.

There is always arguments between them both constantly but last night was just enough for me.
To be fair my dp doesn't pay weekly maintenance. He pays her a lump sum every couple of months - about £300. However the last month he didn't pay anything as he's well and truly sick of her messing him around. She's now threatened csa. He's come back at her saying if she does, he's going to report her to HMRC for getting about £600 a week cash in hand. She works part time but then works pretty much every night in a bar where she gets £100 a night cash plus tips.

Honestly they are both as bad as each other. I'm 33 years old now and I do not want to get involved in childish behaviour which is what this is.

I'm on my dps side. I really am but when I hear the way he speaks to her it makes my blood boil. I cannot stand her either but she's still the mother of his son.

I don't see this ever being resolved. I don't see it ever being amicable. They need to put something in place for dss - maintenance and a set time when dp has dss. I've suggested they get someone to act as a middle person so they don't have to speak. He suggested her sister and said that would be a good idea. But what's he done first thing morning?? Rang up the ex and had an argument with her. I'm so sick of it. I can't stand my own ex. He did some horrible things to me etc but I will always be civil to him as he's my children's dad and I cannot change that. We never name call, give threats etc which is what these 2 do.

I know it's not my place to get involved in all this and I'm not involved as such. But last night we spent hours arguing about it and it's doing my head in.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 09/12/2016 08:23

Oh god, get out.

You're right, they're both as bad as each other.

And the way he speaks about her would be a deal breaker for me. I don't know how you want to go to bed with him after that, its so horribly unattractive.

You surely don't live with him?

oldestmumaintheworld · 09/12/2016 08:23

Run like the wind

stitchglitched · 09/12/2016 08:34

Of course she is going to go to the CSA if he isn't paying maintenance consistently. Just like she shouldn't mess around contact, he can't just withdraw support to his child to punish his ex. And considering he isn't supporting his child properly it is pretty low of him to considering scuppering his ex's part time work which is presumably paying for his kid when he isn't.

Regarding contact, it sounds like they are both playing by the same rules, using their child against each other. He needs a court order for contact so she can't mess around and to pay appropriate support regularly.

Personally, I wouldn't have my own children within a mile of all this toxicity and drama, and I'd run like the wind.

Original poster
confused114 · 09/12/2016 08:35

No we don't live together.

What I will say is he isn't a bad person. He's a brilliant dad, brilliant with my children. I've never felt so loved by someone in my life. He's helped me through some very bad times. I don't want to paint him as a bad person. We never ever argue - apart from last night lol - and we really do have a good relationship. The best relationship I've ever had infact.

It's just her. We've had our xmas day planned for ages and it's been set in place the time he would pick dss up. Now she's said dp cannot have him at all. Same with the santa day out we had planned. I really do understand why he gets so angry at her cos she acts like she 'owns' her son and dp isn't important. What she says goes and that's that. She clearly does this on purpose.

I'm not sticking up for my dp here as I know he's just as childish as she is. BUT my dp honestly does nothing wrong as far as his ds goes. He's such an amazing dad honestly. She knows how to wind him up and he falls for it every time. It's like she wants this reaction from him. She wants to make him angry and wind him up. I can see this as I'm on the outside of it but he can't. Sometimes when I hear them on the phone or FaceTime, the way she speaks to him is horrible. She's constantly looking for an argument. She's the 'I do everything for ds, you do nothing type'

I think I need to run but what an awful time of year to do it :-(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 09/12/2016 08:36

So what's the living situation?
Is it easy enough for you to extricate yourself from this relationship?
I can't imagine why he doesn't pay a set amount each month for HIS child.
Whether he sees him or not is not the point at all.
Does he have a steady job?

Original poster
confused114 · 09/12/2016 08:38

The thing is he doesn't think. About 8 months ago he gave her £1000 as she was struggling with money. Then £300 -£400 every other month sinc: He does pay for ds. Just not in the way that he should.

OP posts:
IneedAqueenMortificadoNickname · 09/12/2016 08:39

my dp honestly does nothing wrong as far as his ds goes. He's such an amazing dad honestly

Except not consistently pay maintenance!

Honestly it sounds like you're better off out of it.

kittybiscuits · 09/12/2016 08:41

He is not a brilliant dad. He doesn't pay the legal minimum maintenance. That makes him a shit dad in my book.

donajimena · 09/12/2016 08:41

He should go to the cms himself. Its not just for the resident parents.

Scribblegirl · 09/12/2016 08:41

Amazing dads provide for their children, and that's not contingent on seeing them. What is it MN says? 'Children are not pay per view'.

I agree with PPs, id get the hell out of there.

HandbagCrazy · 09/12/2016 08:42

Of course your dp is doing something wrong. His son doesn't stop costing money just because his ex blocks his access! He needs to pay maintenance regardless of what else happens. He needs to be able to say when his ds is an adult that he reliably supported him throughout his childish. And I don't know his financial situation but £300 every few months is nowhere near enough. Maybe his ex wouldn't need to work cash in hand if he paid properly?

As for access, he needs to stump up for a solicitor if she's being that awkward.

I know you love him but you're fooling yourself. Your dp is a big part of the problem here - I wouldn't want to live with him, or gave a child with him. When he's being this childish I can't see how you can possibly want him to be honest.

MrsBertBibby · 09/12/2016 08:45

Well at least you have a preview of your own separation from this marvellous guy, if you should move in with him or have his baby.

twattymctwatterson · 09/12/2016 08:51

If he is supporting his ds then why would he be worried about her going to cms? Clearly he's not even paying the minimum maintenance required to support his son which makes him a poor father not an amazing one

stitchglitched · 09/12/2016 08:51

Why do you keep saying he is a brilliant Dad when you have another thread saying how he is moody and angry every weekend as he can't cope with the stress of both his children together? More importantly why are you exposing your own kids to this?

SillySongsWithLarry · 09/12/2016 08:56

He is not a good dad. CSA rates is the absolute minimum he must pay, not a target to aim for. He is short changing his child.

TheNaze73 · 09/12/2016 08:58

He's not being a good dad. He's not paying his was. No wonder she's pissed off

tiej · 09/12/2016 08:59

He's a shit dad, I remember your other thread very well.

Can't imagine why you're still with him.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2016 09:00

I would agree with the other posts, whatever else goes on about visits etc, the bare minimum he has to do is pay child maintenance and to threaten to report her if she contacts CSA, is terrible. She has to support the kids somehow.

If contact is an issue then he can go to court and get it formalised.

So first step she contacts CSA and gets the maintenance sorted and then his first step is he sorts the contact rights formally and then neither of them can mess with the other.

Sorry for me I could not be with a man who didn't pay property to support his own kids and then stopped paying if he didn't get visitation. That's shit, the kids have to eat, he doesn't need to punish them.

eyebrowsonfleek · 09/12/2016 09:10

Not paying maintenance punishes the child more than the ex.

You're right that they are both as bad as each other.

Red Flag Alert!! He is showing you what he'd be like if you were his ex. Can you deal with this? Breaking up should mean less not more aggro.

mrssapphirebright · 09/12/2016 09:21

Run for the hills OP.

This is a stupid unesscessary situation. Loads of people split up / get divorced every day and it doesn't have to be like this. they sound both as bad as each other. Poor child.

  1. He is messing her around with maintenance. He needs to pay the minimum CSA amount. No questions or quibbles, no excuses.
  2. She is messing him around with contact. If she won't play ball then he needs to file the case with court. Its costs about £200 to take it to court and he won't need to be represented by a solicitor. He will then get a court agreement for access. Simple.

All this is very solvable.

Mountainhighchair · 09/12/2016 09:23

Why doesn't he pay regular maintenance?

Idodo · 09/12/2016 09:26

Why are you trying to present him as such a brilliant dad? I remember your other thread where you say how awful he is and he can't cope.

I can't see what you're getting out of the relationship tbh.

MsGameandWatch · 09/12/2016 09:27

Maybe the ex would be more inclined to keep to contact if your ex was paying a regular and decent sum towards the upbringing of his child? Children aren't pay for view obviously but why on earth would she put herself out for someone who isn't even supporting his child?

kittybiscuits · 09/12/2016 09:29

OP he's a complete waste of space and you know it. Why are you trying to turn your brain into a pretzel to convince yourself that this useless specimen is some kind of prize?

ElspethFlashman · 09/12/2016 09:37

I just looked for your other thread and am confused - last month you were definitely living together?

And he wasn't coping with his own kids AT ALL.

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