Partner and his ex

[confused114]

Hi

Dp has a 3 year old son. I have 2 children. I'm writing on here because I'm really struggling to deal with dps relationship with this ex. It's absolutely toxic and it's getting to the point where I've had enough.

Last night dp dropped his ds off and came home absolutely fuming because his ex has said she's going to csa. This has all stated because she won't let dp have their son at any point over Christmas Day.

Now I dislike his ex. She stops dp from having dss whenever she likes - for no reason. She will book trips away on the weekend he's meant to be with us. She will refuse to come and pick him up when it's her turn. She will demand with we have dss whenever she wants so she can go out - which we don't mind as we absolutely love having him obviously.

Lately this has been going on a lot. We had booked a family day out to see santa next weekend which has been booked for months. She's always known about it. She's not said dss cannot go because she's doing something with him.

We had started having dss one night through the week and she's put a stop on that too because she wants to go out on that night and she 'cannot be arsed to drop him off as she won't have time to get ready' so she will just 'give him to a mare instead'

So yeah I don't like her much.

There is always arguments between them both constantly but last night was just enough for me.
To be fair my dp doesn't pay weekly maintenance. He pays her a lump sum every couple of months - about £300. However the last month he didn't pay anything as he's well and truly sick of her messing him around. She's now threatened csa. He's come back at her saying if she does, he's going to report her to HMRC for getting about £600 a week cash in hand. She works part time but then works pretty much every night in a bar where she gets £100 a night cash plus tips.

Honestly they are both as bad as each other. I'm 33 years old now and I do not want to get involved in childish behaviour which is what this is.

I'm on my dps side. I really am but when I hear the way he speaks to her it makes my blood boil. I cannot stand her either but she's still the mother of his son.

I don't see this ever being resolved. I don't see it ever being amicable. They need to put something in place for dss - maintenance and a set time when dp has dss. I've suggested they get someone to act as a middle person so they don't have to speak. He suggested her sister and said that would be a good idea. But what's he done first thing morning?? Rang up the ex and had an argument with her. I'm so sick of it. I can't stand my own ex. He did some horrible things to me etc but I will always be civil to him as he's my children's dad and I cannot change that. We never name call, give threats etc which is what these 2 do.

I know it's not my place to get involved in all this and I'm not involved as such. But last night we spent hours arguing about it and it's doing my head in.

What everyone else said ^

So children are pay per view? It is frankly abhorrent this attitude to maintenance, yes he should pay, he is paying, what if the guy wasn't working?
The csa is closed for new claims, the new Cms urges family arrangements where possible. I suggest he pays by cheque each month, it will give him proof against possible manipulation by the ex.

He needs to see that being random with maintenance is no different to being random about contact. She needs to know she is getting maintenance and he needs to know that ds is visiting.
Both parents are hurting dss.
He needs to break the deadlock and pay regular maintenance. Set a monthly direct debit for at least the CMS amount and let her know that he's sorry for being twatty about maintenance and that every month on whatever day, she will get £x.
His ad hoc payments over the year may average out to the CMS amount but it's abusive to dole it out in dribs and drabs. She should not have to ask for maintenance. Doesn't he get that this will be a huge source of her anger? If he cared about dss, maintenance would be as good important as rent on his list of priorities.

BUT my dp honestly does nothing wrong as far as his ds goes. He's such an amazing dad honestly.

Um, except paying maintenance reliably, which is kind of a massive issue, and a big cross in the Shit Father box.

You can be a good partner and shit father. I think being the former doesn't excuse the latter.
If you read the forums here, there are plenty of stories where people are nice to everyone except one person like their spouse/dil/sil. It's a major warning sign about how you will be treated if you don't meet their expectations.

He's not helping himself to set a good example at all. I don't know how you can blame her when he is being equally dreadfully behaved

I've been in your shoes between hostile parents, it's awful and will drain you.I genuinely didn't see stbex act maliciously and if I had it would have made me leave.He's showing you an ugly side to his personality which is HIM.You just haven't got on the wrong side of him yet but it will come.

A warning, how he treats his ex is how he will treat YOU when honeymoon over.Please believe this.

Secondly he's causing a lot of this by not paying regularly and until he does that she has a right to be angry.It does show your partner in a poor light if he is using money to punish her and he's also spiteful, so remember that.

Lastly, please consider you are in a triangle relationship, it's very common, Google drama triangle.

CSA should not be a threat to any decent fair man and his reaction shows he's not really a good man

In our situation ex had threatened CSA and stbex was perfectly fine with it, actually came out lower than he was paying but he continued with higher payments.

I know you when love a person it's easy to separate their behaviour to others with how they are to you but the only difference between you and her is timing.Wait a few years and it will be you.

If the ex cannot step up, be a half-decent parent, get your DC to school on time and appropriately dressed HIMSELF, then I agree you should drop the overnights OP. I would liaise with school so there is a clear evidence trail in the event that the ex decides to apply for a contact order. There are far too many posters on MN who come here to advise women how to do even more than they are already doing to compensate for fucking useless FW exes.

We should not teach our children to think that the bar should be set so low or that their needs are so unimportant.

Shit- both posts - wrong thread - sorry

I don't understand. A few weeks ago you were posting about what a shit dad he was to his DC. He had meltdowns trying to deal with them, and you were sick of his piss poor parenting skills, and having to do the lions share of everything when he had them every weekend.

You were also living together.

So what's the true story here?

As for not paying for his children on time, that's beyond being a shit.

They are both as bad as each other yes, and I'd advise you find a man with less drama and better parenting skills.

she earns £100 a night cash in a bar? !

Funny how you've now disappeared OP

We are currently having difficulties with my partners ex and although this solution hasn't solved everything contact with his children has improved.

We (at our cost was about £500) drafted a letter with a solicitor outlining contact including birthdays, Christmas Father's Day, Mother's Day, regular contact, holiday time it even has included clubs and telephone time.

Although we are not in a good place currently both parties are sticking to this letter as we both agreed. It's useful for if it ever goes to court and it has stopped that last minute "oh they aren't coming today" or "it's not your weekend" or ensuring all contact was in her house and only if shopping was bought for her.

But what out for "they don't want to come" now that is her current trump card. I tell you if I didn't love this man dearly I'd run for the hills.