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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pls help me how to heal

67 replies

Beautiful38 · 08/12/2016 17:11

My ex left me for another woman. Prettier and younger. I realised this guy was just using me. He also told me how to get over him. I always got allot of attention from men when with him at the time he met this other girl, he made me feel ugly by saying he can't understand what men see in me whilst the new girl doesn't get same attention.
I'm finding the pain unbearable, Ithe would have been easier if I hadn't known he left me for someone else who he feels it's his dream woman. Has anyone been through this who can tell me the healing process and how to help heal quickly.

OP posts:
Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 16:33

I just can't bear him rejecting me for another girl. The way he was helping me to get over him and even wanted to help me meet someone else. What was it in her that he has become so crazy overy to the point he wanted me to be with someone else. WTF! I meant nothing at all.

OP posts:
OohhThatsMe · 09/12/2016 16:36

He enjoys hurting people doesn't he, OP? I think you've dodged a bullet here and frankly I feel really sorry for that other woman. Within a short time she'll be doubting herself and feeling like you do now. Just be glad you're not with him.

Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 17:01

What is OP ?

OP posts:
IsNotGold · 09/12/2016 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 17:49

Beautiful I feel rejection too and am taking it personally.
Your ex is a headf&&k.. I'm mean who trying to set up their ex with someone else? That's plain weird and disrespectful.. what an idiot

Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 18:08

I'm taking it personally too. The fact he is trying to set me up. It's really hurtful and I'm hurting allot. I don't know how to deal with it. Trying to digest it first.

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 09/12/2016 18:19

I just can't bear him rejecting me for another girl

This is about your feelings of being rejected (rather than him) and often when that happens it's because the comment reinforced a belief you already held about yourself
i.e I'm not good enough

He does sound like an immature idiot who can only relate to partners at a superficial level. This isn't someone who can have healthy relationships. However I think you need to look inside yourself and see that you are also judging by external appearances.She is 'prettier' than me is subjective and not the right approach for long term relationships.

Stop competing on external appearances and you are more likely to attract a partner who is less shallow.

Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 18:51

I am aware that looks is not everything. What I meant was that I can't believe it's just looks he went after. I'm attractive and confident with that I'm a very caring and loving person to him. It makes me angry that all what I did he rejected to go for someone prettier. Yes it's shallow and I'm annoyed I invested my effort in making a relayionship work with someone who was so shallow. That has hurt me. I have hurt myself and he has hurt me too.

OP posts:
noego · 09/12/2016 18:55

Oh babe, he has done you the biggest favour ever. You should be thanking him and her. I know it is difficult at them moment but your Mr right will come along and you will see that this was for the best. Don't beat your self up. He will do to her what he done to you. Cheats never prosper (in the end)

Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 18:57

Oh his other reason was that I am divorced as he has never been married. This is an issue for him. He already knew my status when we had met! He has done nothing but personally attack me. He already knew his agenda with me from start... I just found out at the end....That he was out to just to use me.

OP posts:
Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 19:00

Funny thing noego , he said the same thing to me. That i should be happy that I have found out his true colours and should help me to move on!!! He said that! Can u believe it. Like its ok for a guy to use a girl, dump her, make her feel like total crap, then use the jail free card by saying at least u know now so move on....like that makes it all ok! Urrrgghhhh

OP posts:
HoridHenryrules · 09/12/2016 22:17

If he's a dick to you then he'll be a dick to her. Hopefully she will be a dick to him because let's face it that's all he deserves.

Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 22:19

He has major issues and he's an arse. He's a boy not a man. I know it is hard and difficult to detach though and emotions swing around... I also know it's superficial about looks but it does hurt and for me yes it's a feeling that I wasn't good enough.

Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 22:53

Yes. The feeling I wasn't good enough. Does knock the confidence a bit. He treated me so poorly before he left me to be with her. This pinches me as I feel this other woman must be something sooo special for him, in order for him to drop to the level he did with me so confidently.

OP posts:
Beautiful38 · 09/12/2016 22:54

I am very affected by this. Don't know how to understand it and deal with it.

OP posts:
Unrequitedlove · 09/12/2016 22:59

You're not alone beautiful. I'm the same. I think a lot of it is a time thing. I keep reading people saying 'you will get through it' for me there are times I'm really doubting it.
What about counselling?

Beautiful38 · 10/12/2016 08:51

I didn't sleep at all. I'm finding the pain unbearable. I cant stop thinking about them together. How do I accept this and not feel bothered by it? Because I can't go on feeling this way. I feel it's getting worse my grief. Is this normal?

OP posts:
oldmum22 · 10/12/2016 09:04

I am so sorry this has happened to you but believe me you have dodged a bullet. True love shouldn't make you feel this way and the fact he tried to set you up before he left is appalling. Don't beat yourself up about this. I see this happened 4 weeks ago, the chances are he has experienced the thrill of the chase and is already lining up his next one!! He is not worth the head space. Best thing you can do is to keep busy. Get out shopping, meeting friends, calling up family anything(within reason) just so you stop feeling numb. In time ,you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in him , I know this from experience. By the way, the feelings you have are absolutely normal BUT you will come through this .

Unrequitedlove · 10/12/2016 10:14

Beautiful when I first out I went numb and into overdrive now the tears are coming.. the sinking in bit, but it does go backwards and forwards. It must be a normal reaction as we are responding similarly!
As oldmum says..
Can you write a list of all of these things to remind yourself when you're feeling particularly bad?

LunaJuna · 10/12/2016 10:16

I think you'll have a lot of highs and lows in the next few weeks but you'll get through it.

I'm sorry to say (and I may be wrong) but it seems like you're suffering more for your " dented pride" than for the loss of your bf itself. I know I just sounded horrible Blushbut it's good to put feelings in perspective.
How would you feel if they break up tomorrow and he comes back begging you to be back with him?
Would you go back?
If you go out tonight and meet someone interesting, would your feelings for exbf be gone?

Don't suffer more than you should Flowers

Beautiful38 · 10/12/2016 12:35

No I doubt it's to do with my dented pride.
I don't feel like dating others as it's not him and I don't feel ready.
No I won't take him back as much as I would love to. I do wait hoping he might call but I know he won't. I just want him out of my system asap. I'm finding this very unhealthy for myself. It's affecting my life.

OP posts:
Apple1976 · 10/12/2016 13:51

Give your self time to heal. Try doing things for yourself that you enjoy - walks, a hobby, try yoga (saved my sanity), something creative.

I don't know why some people change like that - but you are not responsible for his actions and what he is doing / saying is hurtful and probably just projecting his own guilt onto you.

My husband had two affairs that I know of - both with women 10 years younger than me. I never let myself think they were better than me in any way ... infact I made it my mission to keep telling myself how wonderful i am and what a loss I would be when I walked away - which I did. 6 months into our seperation and just divorcing I am with a new fabulous partner who loves me and treats me so well. He still lives in our property for now, is still dating the woman he cheated on me with but she is still married and living with her husband and kids. I also know that he is cheating on her with the first one he cheated on me with. And he is pretty unhappy with his batchelor life.

Give your self time to rebuild your confidence and strength to move on. Took me three years after he first affair revelation so don't think you have to move quickly. Surround yourself with good friends and make time for you.

Xx

Unrequitedlove · 10/12/2016 14:57

Dented pride here too- I think that's a natural response, no-one likes rejection.
You won't feel ready to date just yet.
I hadn't thought of it that way and actually it's made me feel much better.. would I take him back?? Absolutely no way!!
Thank you..

mumofthemonsters808 · 10/12/2016 15:33

Without sounding too harsh Op, you do need to get a grip and wash this man right out of your hair. He sounds vile and seems to get his kicks putting you down, this type of man can destroy your self worth, if you allow him to.

He may of left you for a better looking woman, but the pain would still be there if she was ugly as sin, you'd then spend hours turning over why he preferred her to you.

She gets less attention than you, he's just verbally sniping at you, no normal boyfriend would mention things like this.

You're divorced, he knew that when he met you, his family won't accept you etc he's making you question what you are, just another way of putting the knife in and messing with your head.

Block all contact, forget dating for a while, come off social media so that you don't see what he's upto.Be good to yourself, surround yourself with your friends, good food, exercise.Anything to avoid giving this excuse for a man any headspace.Youll see the day of him and you'll probably be feeling good about yourself and he'll reappear and that will be your test.

I wish you well.

HoridHenryrules · 10/12/2016 17:59

Op make an appointment to see your GP and ask for help. There's no shame in asking and they may be able to give you something to help you sleep. I hope you feel better soon.

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