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Original poster

Are we over??

29 replies

user1481196714 · 08/12/2016 11:45

Me (24) and my partner (34) have been together 9months and He took me on with my fours kids and he is a fantastic dad. But he got depressed and down because it turned his world upside down. He went to the doctors to get some depression pills but he couldn't get an erection for months. It put so much stress on our relationship. He ended up talking to another girl and he kissed her once. They spoke for about 5 week and he stopped talking to her then a week later she messaged me telling me everything, I was heartbroken and it killed my confidence and haven't everything I done to look after him and stay by his side he did this to me. I do love him and want to be with him and he has done everything to make it up to me and also changed hi depression pills and is going counselling. But I have lost my trust in him and my self worth. We are still best friends but that's all it feels like. He is scared I will leave him. We kiss and cuddle and have fun but we barely have sex we have lost all intimacy in our relationship and right now I need that to feel close to him again. I don't know what to do. I want to marry him I understand his mistake and so does he. He is laying everything he has for our relationship

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 08/12/2016 11:48

9 months? He's not their dad after 9 months. Do you think you both might have moved a bit fast on this by any chance?

scottishdiem · 08/12/2016 11:50

Are you over?! - you have barely started and already done so much. Slow down and put less pressure on yourselves.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/12/2016 11:51

If there is no trust there is really no relationship between you now.

Are you really confusing lust or codependency with love?. This does not at all sound like a mutually loving relationship.

Think also that you and he have moved far too quickly in this relationship and you both hardly know each other.

Porridgemagic · 08/12/2016 11:54

This is one of those threads where you can answer the question from the title of the thread, without even opening it.

And he's not their dad after 9 months! WTF!

Boogers · 08/12/2016 12:03

Why do you want to marry him? Because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him or because he's taken you and your four children on and is a decent father figure?

whatminniedidnext · 08/12/2016 13:32

I think you need to give him some space. It's only been 9 months and in that time he's become a "father" to four children, developed depression and is unable to maintain an erection. You need to put the brakes on - in the nicest possible way, from your post you both seem a little needy. Do you live together?

Happybunny19 · 08/12/2016 13:41

I'm another shouting 9 MONTHS! Move on

Boogers · 08/12/2016 13:42

Just something to consider with the erection problem, I have taken many anti depressants over the years I have been treated for the condition. Citalopram was the worst. It did nothing for me and I completely lost my libido and ability to orgasm. I just couldn't get there. If that's what he's been prescribed, and I suspect it might be as it the drug of choice at the moment, then please don't take it personally if he can't get an erection. The fact that he's talking to and kissing other women is the part that needs addressing.

Again, why do you want to marry him?

Costacoffeeplease · 08/12/2016 13:55

All this drama in 9 months? Am I reading this right that he got depressed and down BECAUSE OF getting together with you?

If so, walk away now

AyeAmarok · 08/12/2016 15:32

"Are we over?"

You should be, yes. For all of your sakes. Does this sound like a good, healthy relationship to you? It shouldn't be like this, especially 9 months in.

TheNaze73 · 08/12/2016 15:34

Are you for real??? These all seems rushed.

He is not their stepdad after 9 months.

Slow down!

Original poster
user1481196714 · 08/12/2016 16:02

Oh no he is not there dad. There do t call him dad either his just a good male role model for them

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481196714 · 08/12/2016 16:10

Ok let me just get this straight. He isn't there dad but he is a fantastic role model. We don't live together but we spending our time out of working together with the kids and together. It has been hard for both of us. he has been treated for depression before we met but changed them mid way through our relationship which caused problems and led to his erection problem and his mistake. I do want i future with him but not because I have four children and I'm needy because I know I can do it on my own. It's my choice to stick around. If I didn't want this I would walk away. I know it's not been long and no relationship should go through this stuff so early and yes it was a little rushed so we are slowing things down and trying to move on. We both want to be together we are just trying to move slow

OP posts:
Boogers · 08/12/2016 16:14

User (btw, might be useful to change your name if you want to post on MN regularly as there are a lot of 'user' names) what do you get from this relationship, and why do you want to marry him?

Original poster
user1481196714 · 08/12/2016 16:20

Ok will do. I don't want to marry him now or anytime soon but in the future I would love it to be a possibility. He is a loving and respectful man. He supports me and my decisions 100%, he helps out whenever he can. We are best friends and have so much in common. I do love him

OP posts:
Original poster
user1481196714 · 08/12/2016 16:22

And 9monhs isn't long but no body knows the ins and outs of a relationship. We knew each other for a few years before we decided to have a relationship. It feels like we have been together years. People would say different if we had been together longer

OP posts:
Boogers · 08/12/2016 16:25

Best friends is a good place to start, and please read what I said upthread about ADs. My concern is that you're hitching your hopes on someone who isn't faithful. From what you've written he doesn't seem 100% into you.

Original poster
user1481196714 · 08/12/2016 16:29

Yeah I read. Those where the depression pills he was on. What makes it come across he isn't that into me?? Whenever he is here, he helps with uniform, packed lunches, he will help with house work, cooked meals etc. He runs me baths and gives me massages, lets me put my feet up whilst he helps around the house, takes me out to dinner , we go on walks together etc

OP posts:
OurBlanche · 08/12/2016 16:29

Mmm!

So, you are still in that honeymoon period, where everything is still all hearts and roses, and he has become so stressed he is back on ADs, is incapable of having sex and has 'dallied' with another woman for a period that is almost 20% of your official relationship...

You need to re-think who you are and what you deserve in life.

I appreciate that at 24 years old with 4 kids you have a lot on your plate, but needy, untrustworthy men won't make your life any easier.

You are most definitely worth more.

Joysmum · 08/12/2016 16:36

You've only been together for 9 months and for over a month of that time he had an inappropriate relationship with another woman. He's barely been in your kids life for 5 mins and yet you're calling him a father to your kids.

Seriously, you are way ahead of yourself here.

Boogers · 08/12/2016 16:44

That's all very nice and all, but why you? What is it about you that he likes and loves? What is it about him that you like and love?

You sound like you're both just going through the motions of everyday life, not in what OurBlanche rightly says is your honeymoon period where everything should be all hearts and roses. Exactly why do you want to marry him?

sassymuffin · 08/12/2016 16:48

He took me on with my fours kids and he is a fantastic dad. But he got depressed and down because it turned his world upside down

He didn't 'take you on' at all he met and fell in love with you.
What makes you say the depression was bought on because your relationship turned his wold upside down? You have also said his change in anti depressants was responsible so which is it?

He has been treated for depression before we met but changed them mid way through our relationship which caused problems and led to his erection problem and his mistake

Changing his anti depressants did not cause him to have an emotional affair!

Sorry to sound blunt but it really sounds as if he has behaved in a shitty way then blamed your relationship for his depression and then blamed his change in medication for his emotional affair.

You have only been together for 37 odd weeks and he couldn't remain faithful. This does not sound like the strong foundation of a long term healthy relationship at all.

lookatyourwatchnow · 08/12/2016 16:59

*what makes it come across that he isn't that into me?
*
The fact that he has cheated on you? Less than a year into the relationship?

OP, you say that you aren't needy or desperate for a relationship and that you can do it on your own. So why haven't you ended this? You are coming across as exactly that. You've rushed yourself and your children into what sounds like a mess.

Notmyweek2 · 08/12/2016 21:53

Take it from me A LOT can happen in 9 months, so I get why you don't want to walk! If he's sorry & is trying to make it up to you....don't walk away, you'll only make yourself miserable....of course! If you feel you want to leave then by all means however, I think you can make it work.

Original poster
user1481196714 · 09/12/2016 07:56

I never rushed my children into a mess. Because it was fine when we started dating. And just to clarify it was because of the mess he couldn't get an erection. But he has changed ADs and is now fine. I agree a lot can happen and I'm not giving up yet. I'm trying to move on. Me and my kids love him. He is doing everything to make it up to me and I mean everything!!! But if in time I still can't trust him and I'm struggling then I will leave him. I understand why he was depressed, our relationship was rushed, his business was failing, we were argueing, his insecurities got him down because he thought I was gonna leave him. There is a lot more to this story and a lot more history on both parts. He self destructed but now he is trying to pick up the pieces. So I'm giving him a chance. People don't have to agree or like it. I come on here for advice on how to start trusting him and to get our lives back on track, not to be put down and made to feel my relationship is a pile of shit. Use mums are meant to support each other not criticise.

OP posts: