What would you do? Where is the line here? Is there an acceptable level of flirting when married?

[MotherTeresasCat]

Ok, will try to be brief.

There is a bloke on the periphery of my social circle who I sometimes see when out and about. He is married with children (has been for a long time). I am single.

I first noticed this man gazing at me while I was dancing once (he sings in my favourite local band and I often go with friends to watch them play). Since then he has made his attraction to me pretty obvious - I catch him looking at me all the time, he uses any excuse to touch or hug me, he has this flustered, nervous air around me - it's just kind of there for the world to see. And that's the problem. He either can't (or isn't trying hard enough to) hide his feelings and my concern is people will notice, jump to the wrong conclusion, and think badly. I don't think this concern is unreasonable as a friend of mine noticed immediately and commented, 'Oh gosh, he really likes you doesn't he?'. I snapped at her that he was married, to which she responded that his behaviour didn't mean anything and that he was just being nice.

So my friend thinks he's just being 'nice' and no big deal. But I am uncomfortable. I know where my line is. If he was single I might be interested in pursuing things (I think he's attractive too - I'm not going to feel guilty about that, I'm only human - I can control my actions and keep a lid on my feelings) but he isn't. So for me it's an absolute no-no. And I know that if I was married and my husband behaved with another woman the way he does with me I would be very hurt and upset. So for me it is a big deal. I don't want my reputation to be damaged by people getting the wrong idea and assuming something is going on.

How to handle? I could avoid him completely but that puts the kibosh on a big and enjoyable part of my social life which feels unfair (I'm a single parent and can't get out loads). I have briefly considered saying something to him (along the lines of stop it) but don't actually think that's a very good idea as it opens up a conversation about feelings which I feel crosses a line. There's a party coming up soon which I would like to attend. But I know he's going to be there so am feeling quite ambivalent.

It's hard to know what to do for the best. I feel conflicted. Perhaps my friend is right and it's no biggie? I can be quite serious and intense sometimes. But my gut says this isn't right.

Lorelair No. In fact I reckon I will feel less awkward as we both know the score now.

Annie Louise people can say what they like. I know I've done nothing wrong. Perhaps I didn't handle it brilliantly - I said in my OP that I can be a little serious and intense, that's just a part of my personality - but my conscience is clear.

I think you will be OK now.

Dodge the touching that you can dodge gracefully, but I think there will be less of it now.

Yes I think you're right Trills. I can accept that I have handled things clumsily perhaps but I think he will now lay off with all the touching and gazing and that, ultimately, is a good thing for me. I will be more comfortable when out socialising and will feel more comfortable going to his gigs. So what if it's a bit awkward for a bit? That won't last forever and besides, he's still liking my stuff on social media, so I'm guessing he's not too horrified.

God what a lot of drama. It may be that he fancied you and fancied his chances, or it may be that he's one of these flirty types who is like that with everyone. Given he's so public about it and people know he's married I'd assume that it was the latter tbh.

But there was no need to make a big drama out of it all given he never actually voiced any intention towards you. People can suggest coffee without that being some kind of euphemism. If I suggested coffee to a friend and he came back saying that it wasn't appropriate for us to spend time together I'd be and just leave it at that. But tbh I'd assume that he was struggling with feelings for me and felt that distance was more appropriate. But. Wouldn't give it any more head space than that or start making it into anything it wasn't.

A couple of years ago an ex got in touch and started telling me how much he thought of me and so on. Like a PP I replied very coolly with references to my DP, and I assume he got the message because his response said that actually it wasn't him but God who had told him to talk to me. . He didn't pursue it though!.. .

Ok WannaBe - perhaps I have been overdramatic. But consider for a moment if I had posted that a married person (whom I was also attracted to) had been flirting with me in the ways described - to the point where others had noticed their attraction to me (so not all in my head) and that they had gone on to ask if we could get together. And my response to that was that I was taking them up on their offer as they were probably only being friendly and didn't mean anything by it.

Can you imagine the responses I'd get? At the very least I'd be told not to be so bloody naive.

Also wtf? He said it was God??

You are not responsible for his behaviour. It is up to him if he wants to flirt. Your response to it is up to you. As long as nothing happens between you I don't think you need to worry. I think you did the right thing by declining to meet up with him one on one.

MotherTeresa for future note it's quite easy to shut down a man with out burning any bridges socially and without having to explicitly state your case:

Don't keep extended eye contact
If he's playing don't look at the band/catch his eye
Never stand next to him in a group
Never be alone with him (cheerfully make an excuse to go to the loo or speak to someone else)
Don't direct your conversation specifically at him.
Don't laugh at his jokes (smile politely instead)
Never touch him and move away if he touches you.
Ask about his wife and children to change the subject.
Never discuss personal subjects.
Don't engage on social media.

You could have done all of the above and none of your friends would even have noticed. If he wasn't interested in you he'd barely notice either. If he was interested in you he'd have backed off and moved on to someone else because he's a scumbag

Don't know why your bothered, he's married, a long time, by what you say, off limits, treat him like he has the plague. I'd like yo know where the wife is when he's making gooey eyes at you. Tell him your not interested, so would he wind his neck in. One look of distan should give him the message straight away. Please don't be telling others that notice what he's up to that it's nothing, when you know very well he's a player. You already think he's attractive. I suppose you'd think this was OK if it was your husband doing this, would you.?. You will soon be getting the blame for encouraging him, if your not careful.

Diva RTFT

Some of this thread has been uncomfortable to read and I have no idea why OP is having to defend herself! She can't win.

MotherTeresasCat

Fill your boots. You're obviously clueless?.

diva are you pissed?

Diva ??

Thank you to those offering genuine support. I am also beginning to feel as though I am damned if I do and damned if I don't.

At first I was not shutting things down as forcefully as I should - the implication being that I was secretly enjoying and wanting to encourage his attention, even though I had said specifically this was not the case.

Now that I have laid down clear boundaries I am being a drama queen and reading too much into things - the implication being a sneery, "Ooh how could you possibly think he might be interested in you, are you sure you're not delusional", even though I have given clear examples of his inappropriately interested behaviour and said that others have also noticed and commented on it.

I haven't done anything wrong - if anything it's him that has behaved poorly.

BastardGoDarkly

No. I'm not. What's your point.?

BastardGoDarkly

No. I'm not. What's your point.?

You did the right thing, OP. If he happens to contact you again, just don't respond. It's done, draw a line under it now.

My point is you seem pissed, or hard of reading, or hard of understanding. It's like you've read none of ops posts, and just gone on a random rant at her diva

Agree you did the right thing OP and you can't win on this thread.

Thank you