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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel Like I'm Going Insane

39 replies

ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 20:51

I need some help or advice as I really feel like I'm going mad, or turning into a complete bitch., one of the two.
I've been with my bf about a year and Im not sure what is going on. We've always had a, shall we say passionate relationship, in as such we are both fiesty and quite opionated. Never violent but often heated verbal confrontations, but recently I just feel like I'm going mad with it all, please tell me I'm not imagining this.
I don't even know how to begin explaining what has been happening but I will try.
We argue alot, there have been some big changes for us both recently, but whenever we disagree it always ends up being my fault.
I'm drunk/hormonal /being silly/being unreasonable. What starts off as a simple sharing of different opinions always becomes how I'm trying to cause an argument. The thing is he agrees with nothing I say, nothing
Now while I understand that it takes two to argue it's that if my opinion is different to his it's wrong.
When he says he wants something done one way he'll ask my opinion, explain his point of view then just keep repeating his view until I end up getting the hump. I'll go quiet or try and the change the subject but he will keep revisiting it or saying things like baby why are you being silly. He says everything he does is to make me happy and doesn't understand what more he can do. He asks if I'm due on or tells me to go and calm down. I get so frustrated which then annoys me. I try not to react, but even the times when I agree for an easy life he goes on and on until I am pissed off. It feels like once I get to this stage he starts talking calmly and lovingly asking me to calm down or stop getting angry. I really am beginning to feel like there's something wrong with me because I'm left feeling like bitch and he starts the charm offensive.
Sometimes he has been damn right out of order/rude and on these occasions, during the course of a normal disagreement he will apologise, ask me to forgive him assure me understands and cam see where he went wrong. In the past when we've talked about things and I think issues are resolved as soon as we get back to cuddling or being happy he starts making little 'funny' comments about it being because I was moody or tired. It's like he just telling me it wasn't his fault, it was caused by me. Im probably not explaining this very well, this is what I mean I'm always left feeling like I'm being unreasonable.
He has said to me in the past that it's because I don't like myself and know how to let someone love me but I don't agree. Yes I have had a shit relationship in the past but I worked alot on my issues and actually felt completely in control and at peace with myself when I met him. I have tried to break it off with him before but he bombards me with messages / contact and within days it's blown over. He acts like there's nothing wrong and it was just a 'silly disagreement' and I'm left wondering in a confused state what it actually was that I had caused a huge drama out of.
I've been unhappy in previous relationships but have never felt anything like this. Do you think this is just a case of two people who need to communicate better and that it can be worked on or am actually loosing the plot.

OP posts:
ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 20:52

Apologies I didn't realize I was rambling so much.

OP posts:
Mabelface · 07/12/2016 20:56

I think he sounds like way too much hard work and get rid, because this will only get worse. I believe "gaslighting" is the correct term for what he does.

RandomMess · 07/12/2016 20:56

It sounds incredibly unhealthy, I'd end it.

Unrequitedlove · 07/12/2016 20:57

He sounds like a child. I think I'd feel like I was going insane too. It doesn't sound a healthy or happy relationship and seems you're going around a loop. He is also damaging your self esteem. What are his good points?

ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 21:00

It can be hard work yes, alternatively it can be really good. I'm not the easiest person in the world, I'm hardly the 'back down' type. The thing is I'm finding myself giving in for an easy life more and more lol.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/12/2016 21:04

As it's you then you'll be like this with everyone right?

I'm guessing not so no it's not you, just him having issues because you dare to have different opinions and tries to make out you're drunk or hormonal because you couldn't possibly have. Side to disagree with him otherwise Wink

Seriously, he has huge issues and I hope you can do the right thing.

ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 21:05

The loop thing is exactly how it feels, he can be very loving, he's a good dad, everyone loves him. He's funny and when we're good he's lovely. I guess Im just second guessing myself alot, doubting my reactions. Sometimes I'll suggest something, like having sister round or visiting my friend and he doesn't disagree. Then when it comes to it it's as though I've made arrangements without consulting him, I cancel and he seems confused as to why. I really struggle to explain it, even to my family or friends.

OP posts:
ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 21:11

No I've never felt like this with anyone before, he is quite demanding in general. If I disappear to the bath for an hour he will dig about how long I've been. I just feel like I'm walking on egg shells alot of the time, even when it comes to inviting people over. It's not that he openly disagrees or is abusive /aggressive it's just things I can't exactly put my finger on. Sometimes it's crystal clear bit when I man up and confront him within an hour I'm feeling Ive made a huge deal over nothing when all he's trying to do is be nice

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/12/2016 21:12

It's normal for people not to be in agreement, it is not normal for people to manipulate or belittle those who do. Normal people agree to disagree.

ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 21:14

Manipulation is how it feels but I just didn't know, was beginning to think perhaps it was all me

OP posts:
Shayelle · 07/12/2016 21:20

I had this with my ex, he had to be right all the time, very opionated, it really drained me in the end. I decided i wanted to be happy again so i lost the dead weight and became free Flowers

Joysmum · 07/12/2016 21:35

So what do you think the answer is?

baconandeggies · 07/12/2016 21:45

Look up 'gaslighting' (and also controlling shitbag)

ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 22:02

Controlling shitbag lol. Thing is we are both quite dominant, I thought it may have been an occasional clash in personality. It's not necessarily the disagreeing with me that is actually the problem I think, it's more the way he makes me feel. what is gaslighting? I am a pretty independent person and he has expressed that I should let him help but when we argue he throws what he has done for me back in my face. His ex says he has changed alot and is easier to deal with since we've been together so I was kind of hoping it was just a strong character. The thing is I have considered ending it as the only viable option recently and have made noise about this recently, problem is we live together now, why I agreed to it I don't know, he gave me pleanty of chances to change my mind but I just let it happen, stupid I know, I was hoping once we lived together things (time constraints, slight Jealousy issues) may get better. I do love him (not that that will make me stay, I have no fear of being single) but as I've said when it's good it's good.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/12/2016 22:12

I'm dominant too but my DH doesn't have to agree with me to keep the peace or because he's walking on eggshells.

It's perfectly feasible he totally understands my point but just doesn't agree with me. He's not because he's tired, hormonal, drunk, moody, unreasonable or doesn't like himself, he just thinks differently.

I'd never ridicule him for not agreeing and you don't treat your BF despite your dominance either. He's not bringing out the best in you is he? That's what a relationship should achieve.

mamakena · 07/12/2016 22:14

I just ended a relationship like this. It was always me being 'stressed, moody, difficult' etc. I became angry and stressed as time went on. After leaving, I'm totally myself and happy again.

Leave please, for your own peace of mind. No relationship is worth that.

ReallyBloodyBoredNow · 07/12/2016 22:22

Mamakena thanks for the personal insight. I make my mind up to end it, leave and give him time to go (it's my house) I have it all planned but then he starts talking and it's as though I'm asking myself why I'm upset/stressed /not happy. On the surface he's the perfect boyfriend, he likes remaining me of this.....often. I wouldn't be able to do it until after Christmas anyway.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 07/12/2016 22:32

He keeps reminding you he's the perfect boyfriend? Clearly he's not or he would need to keep trying to persuade you he is.

JennyHolzersGhost · 07/12/2016 22:38

Dump dump dump. Run a mile. He sounds awful. Trust your instinct.

mamakena · 07/12/2016 22:51

Oh my ... my ex was also always reminding me how loving and perfect a partner he was. It's in chapter 1 of the Narcissist Playbook. Yes, Leave and never look back.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 07/12/2016 23:15

It doesn't sound healthy or comfortable. I wouldn't put up with it. I'm no expert but what he's doing sounds manipulative and abusive.

You're being told that you're wrong for demeaning reasons. Not just honest disagreement. No, it's because you're drunk or hormonal. That's total disrespect. On top of that, his emotional games are exhausting you. You're going to have to dump him.

MagicChanges · 07/12/2016 23:24

Google "gaslighting" - the word comes from a film where the husband would behave in a similar way to your description of your bloke. They do things to make their partner think they are going mad...............look it up and see if it fits. Sounds like it to me.

lookatyourwatchnow · 07/12/2016 23:27

No no no, OP. Get out. It will get worse until it's so bad you will wonder how you 'let' it happen, just like you are so bamboozled now about how he manipulates you.

53rdAndBird · 07/12/2016 23:36

He asks if I'm due on or tells me to go and calm down.

Shock That does not sound like a 'perfect boyfriend' to me.

Look, OP: not all controlling partners are the shouting-and-threats type. Some prefer to exert control by taking away your own power. Making you doubt yourself, making you constantly question your own judgement, making you walk on eggshells. Guilting you into doing things he wanted you to do (like cancelling having your sister round), but in such a way that he looks totally innocent. That's what he's doing.

tipsytrifle · 07/12/2016 23:45

He sounds like an abusive arse just starting to flex his muscles to me. 53rd nailed it in my opinion. Why can't you do anything til after Christmas?