I fancy my married colleague..I m not single either. Help!?

[moiraanon]

In short I returned to work a few months ago after taking a year off on maternity leave. When I started back a new colleague had joined our very small team...we got on well and I thought nothing more than that, till a few weeks ago when I realised it had developed into something more for me.

We laugh and chat all day and have lots of personal jokes. And outside work we are in contact constantly through text messages. I m not sure how he feels about me (definitely he likes me as friend, and sometimes I m positive it s something more, but then I doubt myself). I also find myself frequently having sexual fantasies about him.

As for my current relationship, we d been together for 10 months when I accidentally fell pregnant. Prior to the pregnancy we were arguing a lot, and I think we would have split up had baby not appeared. However, baby actually seemed to improve things between us. The problem is although I am very fond of my partner, I don t think I m in love with him, and my sexual desire towards him is almost non-existent.

Am I heading for trouble? Or is this just a common blip people experience, and something I could get over if I made more effort in my current relationship?

Sorry for the long explanation

Choosing to be 'constantly' in contact by text with a married colleague that you sexually fantasise about?

No, it's not a common 'blip' that 'people' experience.

It's the start of, at the very least, an emotional affair, that selfish people choose to participate in.

Yes you're heading for trouble.

Is there any point in making more effort in your current relationship given that you've seemingly pretty much written it off (or re-written history to suit your own narrative)?

Is simply being single something you're prepared to do?

Or are you one of those people that will only leave one warm bed when there's another one to slide into, so it all actually hinges on whether this married man is interested in you?

I read somewhere more than half of working women fantasise about colleagues. I really don't think you fancy this colleague. Just close proximity, tasks you do together way from chikdcare, the novelty of a new man...these are clouding your judgement.

This doesn't sound like a harmless crush that might go away. Stop all outside hours contact. Stay professional. Apart from your love life, stay on top of your professional life. The humiliation and heartache are definitely not worth it.

If your current relationship isn't right end it.

Don't mess around texting and having fun with another woman's husband. Sit back and think if he is happy to do this to someone he promised to love, honour etc what makes you think he would treat you any better?

What Chicrock said.

You're already having an emotional affair, and he is already the OM to you, not a "friend".

Personal chat, jokes all day and texting loads is totally unprofessional.

Plus, he's a cheating tosser to be behaving like that with you.

Yes you are heading for trouble. Big big trouble!

Thanks for the helpful advice Amrapaali . The rest of you - wow you're a judgy lot! I don't think fancying someone else outside your relationship is as unusual as you all make out.

Lots of people fancy others outside of a relationship.

You don't just fancy him. You laugh and joke all day long with personal jokes and then are in constant contact with texts outside of work.

It is the start if not already of an emotional affair.

That is a problem.

Judgy lot? You're having an emotional affair with your married colleague. What do you think his wife would say?

Answer this honestly (even if it's to yourself) if your bloke was behaving in this way with someone else how would you feel about it?

If you wouldn't care then it's time to end thing and yes you need to stop texting with this man outside of work. It's unprofessional and I'm sure his wife will mind when she finds out.

Crack on girl. Life is short and true pleasures few. If it feels right for you then do it. If not then don't.

Having a crush and joking around at work is one thing. Being in constant contact outside of work is another. Surely you can see that?

Deal with your relationship before you look elsewhere.

To be honest I think you need to take the married man out of the equation and assess the relationship you are in. Would you be happier alone than with him? It sounds as though it's dead but only you will know if that's the case or if you're in a "grass is greener" situation.

I wouldn't pursue things with this guy because he is married and it won't end well but if you're not happy in your relationship end it and give you both the chance to find someone who really excites you.

I can't be bothered to namechange, so will keep this vague, but your post really resonates with me because when I returned to work after maternity leave I had a very intense friendship with a colleague that developed into something that could well have been termed an emotional affair. I look back on it now with complete bemusement; we still work together and I like and respect him very much, but have no idea where those additional, inappropriate feelings came from. At the time though, I was completely smitten and felt that we had some kind of "once in a lifetime" connection. In hindsight I put it down to mild post natal depression; the thrill of adult interaction after a year at home singing baa baa black sheep and changing nappies; and the incredible ego boost of an attractive young man showing interest in (to me) my flabby, untoned, post natal body. I was very, very lucky that the fog lifted and I walked away from the cliff edge before I jumped off. My relationship with my lovely DP remained intact and every time I think about what I nearly threw away my blood runs cold. Be very careful. If you're not happy with your OH, address those issues separately before you throw another man into the mix. You might find yourself out of choices if you act now on a whim driven by hormones and the huge changes that a new baby brings. Give yourself time to think about what your real motivation is.

Don't do anything you might regret

Both of you sound pretty sleazy. It is not the fancying someone out of marriage. It is the acting on it. Sheesh.

You both sound disgusting.

Leave each other alone, you're married

Fancying someone isn't unusual.

Acting on that, as you are doing by texting all the time, is the start of an affair. And no, that's not a good thing on any level.

This is not a blip.

You are heading for trouble.

The question is whether you have actually thought what 'trouble' means. And is that what you really want in your life?

If you don't want an affair, just cut out all texts and all other communications except for work related ones.

If you choose you'd rather have this man than your current family set up and career, at least brush off your CV so you can change to a different company, ideally now before your professional reputation is harmed.

You have to decide whether you want to stay in your relationship or leave. If your child is young then now is not the best time to make that decision.

I'd concentrate on your family and try really hard to make it work. If you feel it's going nowhere then decide what you want to do and only once you've left, start looking for another relationship with a single man.

I think you are already in trouble.

You are justifying this in your head by telling yourself your current relationship isn't working, that this work colleague is just a friend, it's all fine...but it isn't. This closeness isn't a regular work relationship and you know it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted.

What would your partner think if he saw your texts? Realised how close you are? If you wouldn't be happy sharing it all with him, then you shouldn't be doing it.

It may well be the case that your current relationship isn't working. But you need to figure out what is the issue is before embarking on what is already an emotional affair and running down the slippery slope to more.

Fancying someone else or having a crush isn't unusual. Whether you act on it or nt is a different matter.

You are trying to justify it by saying you prob would have split with your DP if not for getting pregnant. You need to address that. Are you happy now? Is he happy? Flowers and fireworks and the excitement of a new relationship are great but they don't last. Having someone who puts you and your little family first and has your back and you can trust is much more important in the long term.

If you are truly not happy in your current relationship you need to sort that first. On your own. Not with someone potentially in the background. Someone who is married.

Keep your relationship with him professional, anything more is asking for massive trouble both personally and at work.
How would you feel if your partner was constantly texting another woman?

Fancying someone is normal, we all from time to time.

What you are doing is vile, you are basically having an emotional affair and investing all your time with him at work and outside of work and he's married too! Grow up, either split with your current partner and see if he will do the same or just basically behave like an adult and stop playing your silly childish game because you are hurting other people and taking the piss.

"You're a judgy lot"

You do know this is Mumsnet don't you !

If you want non judgement, sorry but you've come to the wrong place