First Christmas without your partner - tell me your stories?

[ohwhatsinausername]

Having just finalised plans with ex, about who will be having DCs when this xmas, I'm feeling a bit low!

Although we had semi-seperated before xmas last year, he was still there throughout. Absolutely no chance of that this year, after he left me pregnant to be with someone else!

So this will be the first year on my own with the kids. It doesn't help that it was around this time last year that it all went to shit, so the memories are re-playing in my mind.

I know he's a prize twunt for what he did but I'm still feeling that sadness of a broken family unit and I'm struggling to keep a brave face on to everyone around me (including him sometimes at the moment!) whilst going through so many emotions at once...

I'm in the same situation but watching with interest. The last few christmasses were awful and strained, but it's at this time of year you really miss being a happy family isn't it? I know I should decorate and make the house lovely for dcs but I'm struggling.

It's been a while and I am pretty sure I have blanked some details out of my mind.

We had an agreement that the DCs would go to his place for Christmas Eve all day, and that we would meet for Christmas Eve Mass at 6 pm at the church. At 5.30 he dropped them off at the church and then dropped off the gifts they had received from him and his side of the family on my porch in the snow. I got a text from one of the DCs to say they were in the church and what was happening. I got there and we saved a seat for exH but in the end he never turned up. So we shrugged and went home and did our usual Christmas Eve thing of opening gifts from each other and from my side of the family, followed by a special dinner and a nice dessert (chocolate pie).

I had decided to put together exactly the same Christmas routine that we always had - Santa gifts open in the morning, lots of chocolate in Christmas stockings, brunch in pajamas, nibbles in early afternoon, a new Christmas movie for everyone to watch, full turkey dinner in the early evening. It all went well and I was glad I had put in the effort to do it all myself and kept all of our traditions. I was knackered that evening - no family near at all to either visit us or for us to visit, or share the cooking, etc.

I really feel for you both and for your families. It is hard to put a brave face on it.

Following with interest - I asked my "D"H to leave last night after finding evidence of his online activities - I think I will do church and come home and cook for myself. Thinking of you OP

I dreaded it and in the end kept some family traditions and started some new ones too.

I invited more people over the period than usual, and accepted more invitations to go elsewhere too.

It was busy, and fun, and the dc had a good time.

Ex admitted afterwards that it was very hard on him too, being excluded from our family Christmas, and seeing us all seemingly not missing his involvement at all.

Last Christmas was the first one on my own with my DC. Christmas was alway very regimented when he was around. Same routine year on year. His family spending the day at ours. Everyone dressed up in new outfits etc.. Love Christmas on our own. Treated us to a full set of new decorations. Even XH commented on how lovely our decorations were!! Also non of the forced dressed up have to make conversation stuff. Had Christmas dinner and opened presents as usual and then enjoyed the day lounging in our onesies. A bit of Christmas telly and stuff we like doing rather than spending the day trying to please others! Best Christmas in years ... looking forward to it this year.

Also watching this with interest.
STBXH left for OW some months ago. Now insisting on having DC for about week over Christmas. Is insisting that since the weekend of Christmas is 'his' weekend (he has them EOW) that he will have them for Christmas but also for another few days after that so he can take DC to see his family (not local). He has 'allowed' me to have them for a few hours on Christmas Day so they can open my presents and that's it until NY's weekend. I feel it's unfair on so many levels but in particular that I don't even get to have a Christmas meal with them. I have at least managed to get my Christmas decorations up with help from DC. Feels a bit pointless if I am not seeing them for my much of Christmas though.

It was great - I could decorate the house however I wanted, didn't have to spend any time with the in laws and look at their miserable faces & then after DC got picked up on Christmas Day I drank wine and did a load of Sale online shopping - got lots of good deals 😀

My first Christmas for four years without my abusive cock of an ex and I've got to admit I really cant be arsed...I could happily curl into a ball. But no, i'm going to go back to what we did before, lights up outside. Slade on the stereo, santa hat firmly on, glass of baileys, decorating the tree and dancing...that's our tradition in this home (well, new house). I'll have to fake it because it would have been our anniversary soon...it's going to kill me but i'm not letting that idiot spoil yet another Christmas. DD will go "aw mum you are soooo embarrassing" (but she likes it really)

And yes.....I WILL be watching home alone. Again.

Splishing - you have my sympathies. He sounds like a bit of a bully to me

This will be my third year without my ex - although I don't count the first year as I had only discovered my ex was having an affair about 3 weeks before so it was all a blur.
I am finding it hard, and like the poster above, my ex is having them for around a week from Boxing Day. No family nearby so we will have lots of friends round over the Xmas period.
I am going away with new partner for a few days but I had decided I would book somewhere even if I was on my own otherwise. I find it easier if I am not at home.

Oh splishing, I feel for you. Sometimes it's easier not to argue with them for an easier life! But don't let him have his way over Christmas, if that's not the arrangement you're happy with.

I just keep reminding myself that in a few years, I might have met someone lovely myself and we'll make those memories together instead...and he'll still just be someone I drop the kids off with but I can't exactly rely on this to move on.

Rock and a hard place, as I'm doing lots with the oldest to make xmas memories and keep busy...but then get this urge to share that with him (not that he'd care anyway) and I can't because it's all too soon and just get reminded of whats been taken from me stupidly.

Sorry to go on, it's just nice to talk to other people about who maybe feel similar and understand.

Think I'm boring my friends and family to tears and I don't want to ruin their Christmas by being so up and down at the moment!

It was years ago and he had moved abroad and the kids were older teenagers, so not quite the same. They slept in and I got up on my own, switched on the tree lights (they always cheer me up) drank tea, watched some Christmas telly. They I woke them up, we opened some presents and then we went to my mother's for Christmas dinner and opened more presents.

We came back about seven and had an evening in (and I could have a drink then) and I think a couple of their friends even came round.

It was nice - I didn't have him looming over everything like a vulture (he didn't like Christmas) and drinking all day and then going to bed almost as soon as we got in. I didn't feel we had to go to the inlaws (they invited us round another day).

The atmosphere was better without him and I remember thinking in the morning "Well this isn't so bad" and by the evening I was thinking "Actually, this is the best Christmas I've had for some years".

This is my first Xmas in 28 years without STBXH. He still hasn't said when he wants to see our DCs over Xmas and NY - it's just getting very frustrating as I want to be able to plan ahead.

I think the key, as others have proven above, is to make new traditions and enjoy the things that you couldn't do before. You can always 'do' Christmas on a different day or make a bigger deal of NYE maybe instead. Whatever your situation, try and make it the best you can and I hope you all have a happy time

First year for me too. We are spending the day together for the DCs. I think we'll be friendly but I'm worried that it might make DS1 sad if it's too nice. Hard to get it right. They'll go to DHs boxing day and I might hide in bed for a few days.

Wibu to suggest he cooks xmas lunch?!

splishing can you tell him xmas is different? Or are you not able to do that?

OP I get you with the brave face. I had a wobbly tearful moment with someone I barely know yesterday.

Thanks for the comments.

TeamLogan I have tried to tell him that Christmas is different. I had previously said that holidays would alter our arrangements for our routine of who has girls when. But apparently by me just saying holidays that that didn't include public holidays I obviously needed to be more exact! Supposedly he is not willing to compromise on seeing them on Christmas. He is now basically saying he needs all this time with them to make up for how little he sees them normally. He appears to feel really hard done by about the amount of time he has with DC. He sees them EOW and 3 mid weeks for their tea over 2 weeks.

That does not at all sound fair. Especially that he thinks he can make the decision alone. Everyone knows Christmas is special.

I'm sorry. I'm not really sure how you deal with that. I can offer my sympathy though and tell you he sounds like an arse. Are your DC young or do they have an opinion?

Can you say no and set out something fair or is that a row/unpleasant Xmas?

DCs both young (8 and 4). Have tried to say no and suggest alternative but that is currently unacceptable. I am hoping he will discuss it more with me (by email) so we can maybe come to some sort of agreement. You are not the first to say he is an arse!!

I would imagine, Splishing, that quite a lot of people would say your ex is an arse, me included. That's because he is. I hope you can sort something out because his suggestion is just unfair.

This will be my first Christmas without STBXH. I say without- I've agreed to take the boys to his parents' place (where he is currently living) for mid-morning and lunch. Then ds1 (20, not STBXH's bio son) and I will come home, leaving ds2 with STBXH until, probably until Boxing Day.

I can't say I'm looking forward to it, tbh- I always found his rellies a bit much and I imagine it'll be more of the same this year. But I'm looking forward to having a chilled out morning with the boys and their stockings, and then maybe watch a film with ds1 later.

The only reason I'm doing it this way is because I'm hoping it's easier on ds2, but I have already said that this arrangement isn't set in stone and will probably change next year/years after.

Actually, Splishing, I was wondering- how would he react if you hinted that the arrangement suits you fine, because that'll mean you get the same in future years? Or would he get arsey?

My first too. Thankfully he's agreed that I'll have DS. Meanwhile he'll be spending it with OW/Fiancée. Actually won't miss him cos he was never a part of Xmas day as he went to his other kids (who he also left as babies).

It's NYE that I'm really dreading. I always loved it. This year it'll be just me with baby asleep upstairs. All my friends are booked up for a party. I dread the thought of sitting feeling alone and brooding over a collosally shit year. :-(

Shodan I suspect he would get arsy but only because he seems to see this as way to 'make up' on time he doesn't get weekly. I have already said that if I get Christmas Day with them this year then he can have it next year. That I think the first Christmas post separation that the DC should be in their home in their own beds for when Santa comes. He has also made comments which suggest that he thinks that this is the way it is going to be particularly since that is what suits his family.

Splishing - could you just not send the kids to him and keep them with you?

Last year, our first Christmas without stbxh was great. Just me and my boys - we kept all the good traditions and added a few more (the boys made a list of things they would like to do every year). There were no tears and no tantrums, no whole bottles of whisky before lunchtime, no treading on eggshells... We got up early, played all day, ate when we felt like it, didn't bother getting dressed until mid morning.

Christmas with an abusive man is hard. Christmas without that man is a lot more enjoyable for all concerned.

First Christmas without ex and daughters first Christmas. Absolutely dreading it! I have thrown myself into work the now to keep busy. Ds keeps asking if daddy is coming to see him at nursery or for santa.
Would be a bloody shock since he never bothered with his birthday!

I have thrown out every Christmas decoration we bought as a family/couple and me and the kids went and bought all new stuff.
Still very hard