First Christmas without your partner - tell me your stories?

[ohwhatsinausername]

Having just finalised plans with ex, about who will be having DCs when this xmas, I'm feeling a bit low!

Although we had semi-seperated before xmas last year, he was still there throughout. Absolutely no chance of that this year, after he left me pregnant to be with someone else!

So this will be the first year on my own with the kids. It doesn't help that it was around this time last year that it all went to shit, so the memories are re-playing in my mind.

I know he's a prize twunt for what he did but I'm still feeling that sadness of a broken family unit and I'm struggling to keep a brave face on to everyone around me (including him sometimes at the moment!) whilst going through so many emotions at once...

It is very tempting JMKid but I am not sure we I would legally stand on this? Would it come back and bit me on the ass at a later date?

*bite me

Should also add that I can see it being the sort of thing he would retaliate on. Like not bring them back when he supposed to or keep them an extra night.

It's difficult splishing I've been in similar situations and ended up towing the line - whilst my friends tell me to do what I want not what he says. But I've got another 16 years of this - I don't want to worry about retaliation and escalation it would eat away at me.

Your are absolutely right RolfsBabyGrand.
I don't think I could not let them have DC anyway. Think it would be just as traumatic for them and they are pretty switched on to when they are next going. Hopefully I can come to some sort of arrangement with ex. I know I will need to compromise and I have already done that to some extent but I can't give up everything. He was the one that chose to leave the family yet it's me that seems to be dealing with all the consequences of his choice.

Splishing I have PMd you.

Thanks mathanxiety have got your PM

Feeling much better today! Don't know why.

Sort of made a promise to force myself to think of something else, if anything to do with him crosses my mind and it's kinda worked today!

Especially with the excuse of Christmas coming, I've being doing lots of Christmas crafty things with eldest! =)

Think I may seek councelling in the new year though. Felt silly to me before to seek help over a breakup (not that I would judge anyone for it!) but I think I just need a nudge towards coping mechanisms really and learning how to say no again, mostly - that would be good.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. My moods still go up and down but yes - thinking back on last xmas...he said he was going straight to bed (drunk) before me and DC had even got home on xmas day, went out pissed on Boxing Day and didn't lift a finger whilst getting ready for DC's birthday day after. All whilst I was pregnant with our second and just before leaving again, once the "occasions" had passed - then yes, actually, I'm well rid this year! Hahaha.

It's my 1st year just me & the DC too. I binned stbeh in July..........in some ways I'm looking forward to it but I'm worried about how him and the evil ex in laws will be. At the moment dd goes every Saturday for a couple of hours, she doesn't enjoy it but goes to keep her dad happy. Ds refuses to go - the evils keep sending messages back with dd that ds won't get anything for Christmas unless he goes to see them etc (ds doesn't feel comfortable since his grandad hit him and his nan & dad did nothing).

Splishing, if you are bring reasonable but believe you are acting in Dc's interests then just don't compromise further.He would have to take you to court and as long as you are offering some contact over the period it shouldn't be an issue.

My friend had this with her ex and eventually just said what was reasonable.Ex had to accept or challenge in court and no judge will overrule if you have been reasonable.

First for me and my d will wake up here and then see his dad for afternoon.Dc wanted to spend it together but I just can't as too much of an atmosphere.I do feel guilty as dc upset but think it would just be so tense.

It was initially fine when we separated but then stbex did some spiteful things and it's made it hostile.He's now trying to be nice but will never apologise so nothing ever gets resolved.

I do think I am being reasonable and also acting in DCs best interests. Have made further contact today and waiting on response so will see what happens. But that is useful information hermione

I can't believe that the in laws have said that your ds won't get a present if he doesn't go to see them blushingm. That is truly awful. Surely they must realise he is going through a horrible time and it will take some time for him to adjust to it all (as well as deal with being hit). They also should not be using your dd as the messenger.

OP glad you had a better day. I think ups and downs are understandable. I find counselling really helpful.

Your ex sounds awful. You've been very let down, it's not surprising this is a difficult time.

Christmas was the beginning of the end for us last year. Im still sad too, but I know that next year and future years will be much happier. It's just one foot in front of another for now.

There is so much expectation around Christmas isn't there?

Blushingm - can't believe the evils are doing that! What vile behaviour from adults to not only exclude your DS after what happened but also make DD their messenger! I hope you have a bloody lovely Christmas and DD can go back and tell them of her own accord that they weren't noticed, if that's how they're going to be!

Splishing - I hope you get the response you want today, good luck!

Logan - yeah expectations are high at this time of year, I totally agree.

Which is another reason I guess I get annoyed, that I've dealt with him being horrible to me all bloody year and now I'm allowing myself to be overly emotional about it all again! Actually feels insulting to my own self, as a way of describing it!

Ohwhat - that's what I'm hoping to do - the 3 of us have an amazing day with lots of food, drinks, fun, presents and mess

It is usual behaviour from the evils - they played a big role in why the marriage failed

It's a bit warped, I must admit...what a shit situation for you all!

Your DS already doesn't like going (rightly so because of what happened) and they think that by refusing to get him a present that either a) they can bribe him into coming or b) punish him for not doing so?!

I don't think any self-respecting people would try manipulate someone like that! Sounds safer staying well away...

They can't think that he would change his mind and like them better...by saying they'll exclude him...I'd laugh at the stupidity...

Can see why your marriage broke down if these people were always interferring! Keep your head up

Thank you OH - it's hard sometimes. I'm glad he's gone, both dc have said they're happier. Just wish stbeh and the evils would move far far far away

In the dad who is away from the family this year (alcoholic now in recovery since September and understand why dw has asked me to leave - not looking to get into that part)

I'm not really doing Christmas this year, left £500 with DW to get DS (11) and dsd (19) sorted for Christmas, will prob call round in the morning for the opening of the Santa presents, and will then head into work for a 3-11pm shift. Working boxing night and the night after, but as not drinking it may suit the kids and dw more to have some hair down time.

Going to a wedding in 30th and DS and dsd are coming too. - dw won't go I don't think. 31st is a wedding after party, but I'm starting a 7am shift on 1st.

I suppose work will keep you busy at least user and good work on the progress. All the best for your recovery!