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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend on gay website

26 replies

howdidinotknow · 05/12/2016 15:33

I have n c'd for this. I was single for 3 years after my divorce - I'm 54. I met a man 3 months ago who is quite unlike my xh. He is caring, thoughtful, loving, everything you want in a man. We took things very slowly and only got intimate a month ago and things are good in that department. He is the same age.

I was on fb today and wondered if he was on there so searched for him as I was going to friend request. There was a profile with only his photo and no other posting. However, at the bottom of the photo was a web address. I innocently thought this was the address of his employers. (I know what he does for a living but he has never actually mentioned the name of his employer). I looked them up and it turns out the web site is a gay dating site! What do I do now? Ask him - how? Im not due to see him until Friday night - do I wait til I see him? Could there be an innocent explanation?

OP posts:

comoneileen · 05/12/2016 15:53

So he is probably bisexual. How would you feel about this?

Happybunny19 · 05/12/2016 16:04

Did you send a friend request on Facebook? If you do he will know you have seen the link surely? Very odd though that he has nothing but that showing his page. You obviously need to raise the subject, but best in person rather than over the phone or text message.

I have heard of dating sites stealing people's pictures from Facebook before. It's a long shot but could it be something like that? Are you able to get into the linked website and check if he does have a profile on there?

Original poster

howdidinotknow · 05/12/2016 16:21

Sorry to drip feed but I was just shocked at what I saw. I don't know what I feel about him if he is bisexual. Before we got intimate, we talked and I made it clear that I'm a one man woman and that we would be exclusive and he said he agreed. I did not send the friend request as it just looked like he had set fb up but didnt use it so didnt see the point. It was only then I saw the web address.

I'm working nights for the next 3 nights which is why Im not seeing him til Friday. I guess I'm just going to have to ring him.

OP posts:

comoneileen · 05/12/2016 16:32

you need to speak face to face. Facial expressions are a great indicator of someone's honesty

MsStricty · 05/12/2016 16:41

"Bisexual" does not mean "non-monogamous", OP.

Original poster

howdidinotknow · 05/12/2016 17:01

Sorry MsStricty, no offence intended. I have led a quite sheltered life (married young and focused on my family) and do not know anyone openly gay/bisexual so that was just me being naive.

He was married previously and has children. I've just signed up to the gay website but cannot a profile that would match him so I have no idea what to think.

OP posts:

Excelsior1664 · 05/12/2016 17:45

I know in some places I have worked it's considered banter to modify items like this on facebook profiles if you leave your computer unlocked . Especially the case if he works in IT

Crazeecurlee · 05/12/2016 17:52

The fact that he is still registered to a dating website even though you are exclusive would be what concerns me OP.

comoneileen · 05/12/2016 20:45

MsStricty someone who is not monogamous and open about it is polyamorous. Bisexual does not mean polyamorous. It means 'feeling sexually attracted to both men and women'. Thinking that bisexual people have both genders on the go is wrong. Although it might be the case here.

DollyPlastic · 05/12/2016 20:50

This is the third thread I've seen on here with a suspected gay bf since yesterday.

Obviously more common than I realised.

baconandeggies · 05/12/2016 20:52

So the web address of the gay dating site was beneath his Facebook profile picture? Surely this just means he works for them?

scottishdiem · 05/12/2016 21:58

Few things spring to mind:

He could be bi but that does not change being exclusive with you in any way.

It would have been a spoof entry by someone who was either pranking him or perhaps the site itself having stolen his picture.

It seems its in the employer line so he could work there.

A fake Facebook profile - a friend of mine had her pic stolen from her profile and all her friends suddenly got friend requests from her for this "new" account.

Ask him if he is on Facebook?

Original poster

howdidinotknow · 05/12/2016 22:19

On my break so will update briefly. I couldn't go to work not knowing so I went to his when he got home from his work.

He said that he has not been on the site for years (the photo does look a few years old) He was on it only briefly during a period of 'confusement' after his divorce. He chatted to some men but never met any and then deleted his account (I could not find a current profile which I think would match him when I signed up for it earlier).

Sorry for any confusion earlier, the web address was not under his photo, it was at the bottom of his photo. He said he set that fb up when he signed with the website so men could message him through that rather than having to do it through the dating site. He said that although he deleted the website, he had forgotten to delete his fb.

He was very open to all my questions and seemed genuinely upset that I had found it. He did then however go on to say that hes upset that I didnt trust him although I explained that I honestly was not snooping and genuinely thought that the web site address was where he worked and it was idle curiosity that I wondered how big a company he worked for etc.

I had to dash off to work and said that I'd call him tomorrow. I do so want to believe every word he said but now I just don't know.

OP posts:

thecatneuterer · 06/12/2016 00:05

It sounds reasonable. He probably is bi or at least that hideous term 'bi curious'. And he may or may not have had sex with men. It's up to you if you have a problem with that. I wouldn't but I know it would bother some women. And, as said above, bi doesn't have to mean not monogamous.

Surely the important thing is that it's an old profile and you have no reason to think he is cheating on you.

Well that would be my take on it all anyway.

Manumission · 06/12/2016 00:11

Hang on, his only facebook profile is set to public and prominently featured a link to his profile on a gay dating site!?

Despite the fact he has never had a gay experience (just a brief period of 'confusement') and has lived his entire life as a straight man??

Isn't that a bit unusual?

SandyY2K · 06/12/2016 00:45

I'd be put off TBH.

ThPrincess · 06/12/2016 01:38

i think its great he was honest with you, seems like a decent guy.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 06/12/2016 01:54

Princess why are you saying at least he's been honest? We have no idea if he's telling the truth or not. He didn't offer up the information, he just answered (truthfully or not) when pushed into it.

I'm with Manumission it's a bit odd.

Add in to the fact if you decide you aren't actually interested in men after all, I think it's HIGHLY unlikely you'd FORGET to delete your Facebook account.

3 months. I'd be running if I was you. You don't know much about him if you don't even know where he works.

Original poster

howdidinotknow · 06/12/2016 14:28

To answer a few questions, the web address did not link directly to his profile on the site - just the home page. From looking at the site, all the pictures on there have the web address beneath them so I think its something the site do so its possible he put his picture up and then copied and pasted it to his fb.

I do know what road he works on and what he does. He does talk about his job and his colleagues sometimes and he may even had mentioned the name of the company previously but I dont recall it.

If he was bi-curious then I can get past that. If bi-sexual I must admit I know nothing about what that entails. Apologies if these questions are insensitive or stupid but can a bi-sexual just turn off and on whether they want to be with a man or woman? Are they usually monogomous?

He text last night saying that he hopes I can forget about it and "that was then and this is now" and its me he wants to be with. I've just replied that I will still see him Friday and use the next few days to get my thoughts together.

OP posts:

ChicRock · 06/12/2016 14:34

I don't think anyone going through a short period of "confusement" leaves a FB profile online and active and showing a link to a gay dating site - for all of his friends, family, children and colleagues to find quite easily, do they?

Vagabond · 06/12/2016 14:40

Golly HOW..... I'd try to be understanding. The poor guy thought he had some privacy and he's been found out looking at something. If I were you, I'd be wary but not put off. Go with your gut. If we were all judged by our internet history, many of us would be written-off at the get-go.

Original poster

howdidinotknow · 06/12/2016 15:09

Chic - thats what is bothering me - he is quite tech savvy and I have just checked and his fb page is still there - would you not think that after our chat he would have deleted it?

Vaga - I'm trying to be understanding. A few weeks ago I gave him my phone to do help me with something techie. I had downloaded tinder a couple of months before we met then decided it was not for me and then de-activated it. When he was sorting out my phone he found the app and asked me about it. I explained what I had done and asked him to delete it which he did so I know that sometimes internet history can come back and haunt you.

OP posts:

baconandeggies · 06/12/2016 19:03

It's a myth than non-heterosexuals are more promiscuous.

Bisexuals aren't a different species or less likely to be monogamous... They just potentially fancy a bigger range of people! Doesn't mean he'd act on anything - any more than he would with another woman, that is.

His being bi-curious in the past bears no relation to his commitment to you.

But do sit with your feelings awhile.

Original poster

howdidinotknow · 06/12/2016 22:55

Thanks Bacon I have decided to ask him on Friday to delete his fb (if he hasn't already done so by then). If what he said was true then he doesn't need it or if he's reluctant to delete it then I would want an explanation why.

Do you think that reasonable?

OP posts:

heateallthebuns · 06/12/2016 23:19

I'd be more bothered if he said he was only 'bi-curious' for a short while in the past - that sounds like he had an unresolved attraction to men and feelings he has repressed.

If he was bi sexual and honest about it that's different, i'd see that as attracted to men and women, comfortable about it and currently attracted to you.

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