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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you consider DP's friends to be your friends?

31 replies

Sparkletastic · 16/02/2007 15:56

This is one of my fave arguments with my DH... I have lots of gal pals but he mainly socialises with couples - and wants me with him! Not in a swinging way you understand . Since we have 2 kids I say social time is too precious (and willing babysitters in too short supply) to do everything together so mainly want to see my chums and him see his without me on different nights IYSWIM. He gets v hurt and rejected by this which is not my intention at all. I constantly come back to the 'if we got divorced they would never want to see me again' line but this probably doesn't help much, what with the implied threat that our love may not be everlasting . I do see his friends occasionally at grown-up dinner party weekend type dos, but more often than not I pack him off to stay with them on his own. Am I a right miserable beeyatch or can you relate?!

OP posts:

madmarchhare · 16/02/2007 16:02

If you spend more time with them then they will become your friends too.

I have been with DH that long that I would still see 'his' friends (originally) if we split.

A good mix is what you need.

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 16/02/2007 16:09

Good point madmarchhare - we've only been together 6 years which ain't exactly an eternity. I think part of the problem is I was a happy singleton for absolutely ages before we met and married in the space of a few mad months, and I often pine for those carefree pre-kids days... I think the other issue is very few of his friends have kids so I always feel a bit 'knackered mum' when around them and also feel we need to dump the DDs on relatives rather than 'inflict' them on them.

OP posts:

Bucketsofdynomite · 16/02/2007 16:10

I think it's important to have your own friends and activities. But then neither of us hang out with couples really, we both like the male bonding / female bonding thing. It's a bit odd to think that everyone's going to have a great time when you get lots of couples together - or is there a clear players/WAGs divide?

chocolatequeen · 16/02/2007 16:10

Can relate on this one, asked a similar question a while back about DH not being overly happy about me socialising alone with girlfriends

However one poster had an interesting quote - couples who play together stay together. Got me thinking that maybe there is a strong argument for socialising together.

Know what you mean though, DH also would feel hurt. But I´m a soft touch, so don´t really socialise much with just girlfriends as don´t like to make DH feel sad. Weighs on my marriage conscience!! Maybe they would become better friends if you force yourself to spend lots of time with them? Or even try to make new couple friends and avoid the your friends my friends thing?

Don´t think what you feel is unreasonable though - it´s just a question of how sociable you feel you should be for the sake of your DH

motherinferior · 16/02/2007 16:15

We have separate friendships. And a few that are probably mutual by now. But mainly separate. It's a great virtue in DP that he likes it this way and is very happy when I'm off with my friends as long as he gets a chance to see his.

Twinkie1 · 16/02/2007 16:27

My friends are also his friends but his friends are also tossers so I tend to keep away from them.

I go out with my friends - we go out with them as couples and he goes out with his friends alone mainly to Emirates Stadium or the golf course!!

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 16/02/2007 16:30

Am loving image of self as a WAG. Methinks might have to up my biannual visits to the hairdresser and become more familiar with the works of St Tropez...

We deffo should do more together but I think outings for just the two of us is the priority at the mo as we manage about 5 minutes of actual conversation a day in between work / running about after kids / falling unconscious in front of the telly.

Am jealous of your understanding DP motherinferior - have you been together for aeons?

OP posts:

hockeypuck · 16/02/2007 16:52

I think this is an ongoing battle in every marriage.

I've been with DH for 14 years and we lost a lot of our single friends along the way because we felt we should be socialising more together.

We do have friends of ours that are couples that we both socialise with and things we both like to do together as a couple(watch ice hockey) but we cant afford a babysitter more than once a month or so, so I found a group of friends (all single) at work who I go to the hockey with on my own. I also have a lot of other single friends at work who I go out with every other weekend or so, to town and a gay best friend who comes over for girlie DVD nights every time DH is away on business or out late.

It did bother him that I had so many more friends than he did, well more single friends, but he has decided that instead of getting all funny about it, he'd start a hobby and has joined a rec ice hockey team. He now trains with them every friday evening and is making friends through that. So I'm the one at home all alone with the kiddies every friday night. I'm really glad he's found something that he's interested in (have been nagging him for eaons about it). And it makes me feel much less guilty for enjoying my new found social life that I got through pt work. Altogether a more happier marriage!

Sorry, that was long! What I'm trying to say is that a mix of both is what you need, oh and a fair sprinkling of trust for when you go out with your girlfriends.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2007 16:53

No, but they're all really nice blokes. He's a blokey person. His mates are all from school and work colleagues. They're all nice enough chaps. Just like DH.

They go to football games, the pub, the play pool, bowl, etc.

Original poster

Sparkletastic · 16/02/2007 17:04

Ah hockeypuck - the fact that I have more chums than my DH is deffo a problem for him. I think I've picked up lots recently due to having kids but his are all from uni. I too have suggested he get a hobby type thang - he is very sporty and I'm not at all so that's one avenue. We are about to move to a rural village with footie and cricket teams so I'm nursing a hope that he'll get some new mates and do local things for local people (at the local) with them. Sometimes I have to stop myself treating him like my 3rd child and patronisingly sorting his life out for him - does it show?!

OP posts:

paulaplumpbottom · 16/02/2007 17:09

I have become great friends with DH's friends. I think you should give them a go. I'm not saying you shouldn't see your friends but you are a couple and you should make an effort with his to.

batters · 16/02/2007 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 16/02/2007 17:13

Batters, it's so much more fun being out with you than DP's mates...

OrmIrian · 16/02/2007 17:17

Dh has some proper friends mostly with partners and kids who have become my friends. He also has some drinking buddies who are nice enough lads in their way but I generally don't socialise with them unless forced to - most of them seem to struggle with teh concept of walking and talking at the same time . Mind you that might be the booze.....

He tends to avoid my friends because he say they are all weird hippy types that make him uncomfortable. Suits me.

Wordsmith · 16/02/2007 17:22

Why should it be an ongoing battle?

I'm like MI. I go out with girlfriends, he goes out with maters. We go out together with other couples, or with other singles. We have friends in common who are singles and couples. I know and like most of his friends and vice versa. But no way would I want to stop his lads night out or him my girls nights out. Why should we? We're not on the pull.

Pinkchampagne · 16/02/2007 17:24

No I didn't - the majority of them are idiots!

batters · 16/02/2007 20:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mosschops30 · 16/02/2007 20:11

No i dont consider any of dhs friends as my friends and the less I have to do with them the better

TeeCee · 16/02/2007 20:17

Lots of DP's friends were my friends before he was my DP anyway. We met at college and we met all the same people at the same time and shared mates. We dated at college for a while then we went our own way and then met each other again and he was still friendly with a group of boys from college days so they came back into my life too which was lovely.

He has other mates that I have struck up my own relationship with on casual grounds and we email each other and text and stuff and I've got friendly with their wives etc as well.

My girlfriends also call Dp and have been out with him without me. It's nice, really nice.

tiredemma · 16/02/2007 20:19

yes, and in fact- most of dps friends wives/partners have turned out to be far better friends than my own 'friends'

madmarchhare · 16/02/2007 21:23

sparkletastic, when all his couple friends have kids they will love you.

poppiesinaline · 16/02/2007 21:41

I can completely see your point of view Sparkletastic - especially on the whole precious babysitters thing BUT

I think it's important to let your DH know that you value him and his friendships. I went out with some friends of DH's last weekend (his work friends, single, younger than me and no kids). I felt out of place and old but DH really appreciated the fact that I made the effort. I actually really liked them. And it did three things:

Made DH feel special that I had made the effort to get to know people that he liked.
Brought me more into 'his world' and 'his circle of friends'
Got us out as a couple.

Could you maybe invite them over to yours on the occasional basis so that you don't have to keep getting babysitters? and bring them into 'your world' a little bit?

bellarosa · 16/02/2007 21:46

dh has been known to pinch my friends for himself and become all posessive over them! not share them with me as equal friends, i find it really odd and anoying! he doesnt really have many true friends, just lots of good time acquaintances.

poppiesinaline · 16/02/2007 21:50

Not that you need to be in each others pockets either.

DH has friends that he sees
I have friends that I see

we have friends that are mutual (ie we have both met at the same time)

When we each find 'special' friends - then I think its nice to share them. iyswim (not in a swinger type way! )

SaucyMoo · 16/02/2007 22:05

All of dh's friends are all over the country so he literally sees them once a year-no joke. We see all my couply friends, and he seems to have made friends with the lads but doesnt socialise on his own with them but does get on when we all meet. I also have a lot of girlfriends that i do meet...i feel bad that he has no friends (Awwww) but after reading this thread i think a lot of men need a hobby so they can have their own life too, my dh certainly does but we have no time as we works bjillion hours a week!

mmm ive forgotten what my point was-oh yeh, i think you should make an effort sparkle, if it means that much to him-u never know it could be fun!

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