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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWYD? Xmas present and NC mother

33 replies

twilightrevolution · 05/12/2016 11:20

I refused to have any further contact with my mother a couple of years ago. My father is still with her and I see him one day a week when I visit my grandmother.

Last visit, he pulled me to one side and asked that when I give him his Christmas present, that I address it to her too. He lives in a land of absolute denial and would do anything for a 'quiet life'. He never asks me to start talking to her again because he knows that he hasn't got a leg to stand on, but keeps trying to get me to do stuff like this so he doesn't get it in the ear.

Apparently, she's decided to buy me a gift this year and that's why her name needs to be on his present too. He said "Please, just do it for me".

Argh, I just don't know what to do. She knows 100% that I would never buy her anything so part of me thinks my Dad will just get 'in trouble' with her anyway because she'll know he's been talking about her! However, if I don't do it I know he'll be angry with me because he'll be scared of her reaction.

Would you address the present to both or stand ground?

OP posts:
Crazycatladyloz82 · 05/12/2016 11:35

I would stand my ground because NC to me means absolutely NC. She is using him as a pawn in her game and trying to guilt you. Yes I feel sorry for him but he is aiding and abetting her bad behaviour so needs to live with getting it in the ear. I would also refuse a gift from her (I have refused gifts from people I am NC with).

veryveryVERYdarkblue · 05/12/2016 11:37

You know your family best. Would a tiny bit of compromise for your Dad's sake make things much worse?
Why are you nc with one but not the other? What has happened?

juliettaa · 05/12/2016 11:38

Being NC with a parent is not a decision made lightly, so I guess you went through a lot beforehand.

In answer to your question, I absolutely would not address the present to both of them. How about not buying your father a present; that would be the problem solved. Just buy him something 'extra special' for his birthday.

RaeSkywalker · 05/12/2016 11:43

Nope, I wouldn't do it. I'm guessing that it's likely that that she's manipulated him into asking you to do this?

glitterandtinsel · 05/12/2016 11:45

Your dad is the flying monkey. Do not send her a gift and get your dad something she won't like, with just his name on it. She's doing the classic hoovering so she can brag to her friends what a nice family Christmas she had. She should respect your boundaries.

StefCWS · 05/12/2016 11:48

Put: To Dad and mum (dads name first)
My mother can be a nightmare and my dad is lovely, id do it for him but I don't know your situation :-)

Lottapianos · 05/12/2016 11:49

'He said "Please, just do it for me".

I've had similar crap from my own family, who don't seem to feel that I'm entitled to have my own feelings and make my own decisions. Stand your ground OP. As other posters have said, you have not made this decision lightly. Your father is not a child, you do not need to make life easier for him. Do what you feel is right and what you want to do

veryveryVERYdarkblue · 05/12/2016 11:52

Lot of projecting going on here. Op, if you want an answer then more info is needed. if you just want unquestioning backing up then you'll probably get plenty here.

Original poster
twilightrevolution · 05/12/2016 11:54

My instinct says that I should just not do it. I don't want it to be a situation of giving an inch and then her taking a mile (which has happened before).

Both my Dad and I know that she's bought something in order to play the victim when her gift is not reciprocated; that's why he wants me to add her name to the gift tag. Otherwise, I can well imagine that Christmas Day will include temper tantrums in the vein of "What have I done to deserve such an awful daughter? All I ever do is give and blah blah blah"...or she'll lock herself in her bedroom because she's so 'upset'.

Something ALWAYS kicks off on special occasions so if it's not me, it'll be something else. I just don't want my Dad to blame me for it when it inevitably happens in a "She would've been alright if you'd just done as I said" kind of way.

OP posts:
veryveryVERYdarkblue · 05/12/2016 11:58

Sounds like your mum has mental health problems. If your dad has to deal with this every day, it is your call as to whether the best help to give him is to be nc.

PossumInAPearTree · 05/12/2016 12:00

What a difficult situation. I'm NC with my mother and would never buy her anything just to keep the peace. But then my dad isn't alive and it must be very hard for him being caught in the middle.

Original poster
twilightrevolution · 05/12/2016 12:06

Lottapianos What you said about my Dad not being a child resonates with me. I think my tendency is to kind of parent him rather than the other way around. When I was about 12/13, he wanted to divorce her so we went to a solicitor's office. He was adamant that I explain to the solicitor rather than him because he wouldn't be able to get him point across and I remember being shocked because the solicitor wouldn't let me stay in the room because it was inappropriate!

OP posts:
bastardlyandmutley · 05/12/2016 12:17

Can you not address the tag to anybody and just write "from twilight"? It kind of fudges the issue but means you don't have to upset your dad or capitulate to your mother's manipulations.

bastardlyandmutley · 05/12/2016 12:18

Should say address the tag to nobody, totally omit any names.

Lottapianos · 05/12/2016 12:18

'I think my tendency is to kind of parent him rather than the other way around.'

That is a dynamic that he has created, not you. You are the child in this relationship and it sounds like you have been well-trained to put other people's needs before your own. It sounds like you are turning that around by going NC with your mum. Believe me, I know how hard this is and you should be very proud of yourself.

The example in the solicitor's office is shocking. It sounds like he was only thinking of what was best for him, and possibly seeing you as an extension of himself, rather than a separate person who may well have been extremely shaken and distressed by being involved in conversations about divorce.

Your dad has made his choices. His relationship with your mother is his own business and it is very unfair of him to expect you to get involved in it, just to make his life easier. Stand firm

veryveryVERYdarkblue · 05/12/2016 12:19

Bastardly's idea seems sensible.

liquidrevolution · 05/12/2016 12:20

Instead of buying your dad a present can you treat him to lunch or something instead? Or pay for some golf lessons? Something that cant be shared. Something that cant be wrapped and put under a tree.

Situation solved.

juliettaa · 05/12/2016 12:22

Something ALWAYS kicks off on special occasions so if it's not me, it'll be something else. I just don't want my Dad to blame me for it when it inevitably happens in a "She would've been alright if you'd just done as I said" kind of way.

You won't be to blame if/when she kicks off again and your dad is so wrong for putting you in this position. He chose to marry her and stay with her. You didn't choose them as parents. But you do have a choice about whether to remove yourself from their toxic games. Go with your gut instinct.

As for taking you to the solicitor's office at the age of 12-13 so you could be his mouthpiece - words fail me Sad

KittensKidsAndKisses · 05/12/2016 12:28

God this sounds like my dad.
Not so darling sm hates me and as the feeling is now mutual my dad is in the middle. I won't discuss her with him but he used to say things like, "make sure you thank xx for this"-like I wouldn't?!?

Dads even brought a present round for my brother to wrap up so he can say it's from my brother for my sm.

She has him exactly where she likes him and no matter what you do she'll be whining or slagging you off op. I would get your dad a present if you want to. Label it to him. And tell him to stop putting you in that situation.

Don't accept her gift unless you want to start being in contact again.

veryveryVERYdarkblue · 05/12/2016 12:36

He, of course, should not have taken you to the solicitor when you were a child. But you are not a child now, is he unwilling to leave her with your help now?

Original poster
twilightrevolution · 05/12/2016 12:52

Ooh, the no names on the tag idea is a really good one. What a great 'get out of jail free' card! Thanks for that idea.

I dunno, my relationship with my Dad is a weird one (only realised this recently because compared to my mother...)! I'm used to kind of being his advocate because he's so scared and unable to stand up for himself having been a victim of my mother's abuse, too.

With the solicitor example, I can see now that it was inappropriate but he is so blooming helpless that, even back then, I felt like I should have been stepping up to the plate. Especially as the eldest child.

He used to be constantly complaining about her to me but not willing to do anything to escape. A few years ago, I told shouted at him to either do something about it or stop talking to me about it. He dares not tell me the worst stuff now because I just tell him to leave and start explaining benefits etc. He'll never leave, though. Everything I read just says that victims of abuse will stay until they decide to do something for themselves.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 05/12/2016 13:02

'Especially as the eldest child.'

I'm the eldest child in my family too. Lots of eldest children grow up with a huge sense of responsibility for making other people happy and smoothing over troubles. The really important word OP is 'child'. You were a child. You are still his child. He is supposed to be the adult, the parent, the one that you can lean on, not the other way around. It is totally unreasonable for him to expect you to prioritise his feelings over yours.

My mother did exactly the same by the way - used me and my sister as marriage counsellors, went into great detail about how utterly miserable she was with my dad, but stayed with him and is still with him now. Like you, I felt a responsibility for her happiness, and looking back, I was functioning as a cross between a friend and a parent to her. It was deeply messed up and I consider it highly emotionally abusive behaviour

pithivier · 05/12/2016 13:04

Put up with hloads from my Mother just to protect my dad, so I know where you are coming from.

I would buy a hamper or sweets and just write "happy Christmas from".

Dozer · 05/12/2016 13:07

Your Dad's relationship with his wife is his problem, not yours.

Shock about the solicitor's divorce appointment! Your dad clearly seriously failed as a parent and is still doing so.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2016 13:10

Stand your ground.

NC is precisely that; do not get into any present buying let alone put your mother's name on any Christmas present to him. Do not accept any gift from either of them; toxic people use presents to further obligate their now adult children.

Your father is a weak man who made his choice a long time ago and he chose his wife over you. He has also failed you abjectly as a parent and such weak men often need someone like your mother to idolise. He is really her hatchet man here and cannot be at all relied upon.

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