WWYD? Xmas present and NC mother

[twilightrevolution]

I refused to have any further contact with my mother a couple of years ago. My father is still with her and I see him one day a week when I visit my grandmother.

Last visit, he pulled me to one side and asked that when I give him his Christmas present, that I address it to her too. He lives in a land of absolute denial and would do anything for a 'quiet life'. He never asks me to start talking to her again because he knows that he hasn't got a leg to stand on, but keeps trying to get me to do stuff like this so he doesn't get it in the ear.

Apparently, she's decided to buy me a gift this year and that's why her name needs to be on his present too. He said "Please, just do it for me".

Argh, I just don't know what to do. She knows 100% that I would never buy her anything so part of me thinks my Dad will just get 'in trouble' with her anyway because she'll know he's been talking about her! However, if I don't do it I know he'll be angry with me because he'll be scared of her reaction.

Would you address the present to both or stand ground?

What are the ages here? Sorry to break the news but as parents age (and obv you do) , you end up doing more parenting of them than you expect. The world needs the kind of navigation skills that many (not all )elders can't manage. It is rubbish that you were given this sort of responsibility as a child, btw.

Thank you so much everyone. I feel like a weight's been lifted because others have been through similar stuff or/ and can see where I'm coming from.

restinginmyaccount My Dad is 60 and my mother 50. Not sure what you mean by navigation skills- things like using the internet?

I'm 50 so they are still pretty young in my book. I don't mean the internet (unless that's a problem for them) , I mean getting medical care and/or social care if it comes to that when they are much older.
Your Dad is still young but, you are right, it'll be his call to make a change and you can't force it.

my relationship with my Dad is a weird one (only realised this recently because compared to my mother...)!

I went through similar, although the other way around. My dad was sexually and physically abusive to me, not to mention incredibly emotionally abusive to all of us including my mum.

It was a really hard realisation that she had utterly let me down, failed to protect me from an abuser, and in fact blamed me for "making such a fuss about it" and "getting social services involved so we lost our lovely home".

It took me over 20 years to realize that her behaviour had damaged me so badly; if she had reacted the right way when i first told her he was abusing me then I think I could have got over the abuse much more quickly and easily. Instead she threw me under the bus because she wanted to stay with him. I don't think she even loved him, but she sure loved his money.

Your dad is doing the same, he is throwing you under the bus to serve his own selfish needs. I am now NC with my mum - you might consider what exactly you're getting out of seeing your dad and reduce the frequency of contact significantly.

What are you buying him? No point writing to mum and dad on the card if you've got something that is obviously a gift for him?

That is horrific, pocketsaviour. I really don't know what's wrong with these people.

I had already bought him his presents. It's cowboy film and a calendar of a dog breed that he likes (sounds naff, but he'll like them ). So, stuff that would actually be blatantly not for my mother.

I think that you could tell your father that if he wants your name on there, then he can write it himself, once he has the gift of is after all, his to do with as he wishes.
Which is clearly absurd, but a lot less absurd than what he is asking you to do. If he wants to pretend that you can be "happy families" then he needs to find ways to live out that fantasy that don't mean that you have to give up your self respect.
Or he could accept you mean what you say, which he really wont believe in future if you agree to his request.

Don't do it and don't accept the gift off of him. Tell him to give the gift to a charity and not even show you.

To do so means you are no longer NC.