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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he has betrayed me once again

66 replies

ScaredAndBetrayed · 16/02/2007 10:07

I don't know where to start really. Me and DH have been together for 10 years and things have been pretty up and down but then I suppose everyones relationship is. A few years ago he raped me which resulted in a pregnancy. I have never trusted him ever since. We have plodded on, things getting worse I suppose if I am being honest. I have underlying abuse issues which concern my grandfather which I don't really want to go into but I am sure you get the idea. Anyway, last night, I woke up to find him on top of me, pushing my face into my pillow telling me to be quiet, not make a sound and be a good girl (just like HE did). I was petrified and I eventually managed to fight him off and he disappeared into the bathroom for a while I cried myself to sleep. I woke up this morning to find him asleep on the bedroom floor. I pretended to be asleep til he got up, then went downstairs while he was getting showered, dressed etc. He didn't say a word to me, just scowled at me. He has gone out now. Before he left, he just said 'maybe we should sleep seaprately from now on' and tried to touch my arm to which I flinched. He said he was sorry and he was an arsehole and that he slept on the floor so I would feel safe! then left. I don't know what time he will be back. I just don't get him. I'm not in love with him but I've got nobody else. Nowhere else.

OP posts:

Original poster

ScaredAndBetrayed · 18/02/2007 12:00

hello all. Well, I sat down with him last night and told him that I wanted to talk and him to listen and then when I had finished he could talk. I reached in deep and poured my heart and soul out to him. I told him 'the gory details' of the past, to which he was nearly physically sick. I told him that he needs help, and that he has hurt me beyond belief. I packed mine and the childrens bags and told him that this would be the last time he ever hurts me, in any way. I told him that I would move the children as far away as possible from him. I wrote down all the train times and told him that I would be leaving. By the time I had finished talking, he was in absolute tears. He admitted that he had hurt me, and that he didn't know what he was doing, and that he was frustrated because he still finds me so attractive (yeah right!) and I don't want to do anything. I asked him if that was really an excuse for doing what he did and he hung his head in shame and said that it wasn't. I said that if he REALLY loves me, he would do what I wanted. (sounds controlling I know) I told him about my fears of him doing anything to our children and he went white. He said that he would never hurt the children in any way. He swore on his mothers life (and believe me thats a lot!!) He couldn't apologise enough. He has agreed that he will get some help. I have told him that we will sleep on different floors of the house until I am ready to say otherwise. He is not to touch me. He has agreed to this. I said that if he does then my bags are still packed and i will go there and then. He said he would do anything to keep me happy. I do believe he is genuinely sorry. But at the same time I know I will never trust him again. He knows that now. So up to now, and I know you will all think I am stupid, we are taking things one day at a time. He is going to the doctors tomorrow and I am going with him. We are going to concentrate more on being friends than anything at the moment. Baby steps. Thank you for putting up with my ranting. I just hope I am doing the right thing.

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 18/02/2007 17:38

I think this sounds possible. If he takes the right steps, and actually does what's needed, things could be ok.

NotQuiteCockney · 18/02/2007 17:39

And why couldn't he still find you attractive? I agree that his behaviour isn't actually loving, but he could still be attracted to you ...

Monkeytrousers · 18/02/2007 17:43

Okay, but if he hurts you again go to the police

Thinkstoomuch · 18/02/2007 17:57

I've been following your story and hope that things get better for you from here on in.
But I'd just like to recommend that you DO STILL REPORT what has happened to you, to the police and to a support organisation like Women's Aid.
You don't have to press charges. What my fear is is that - god forbid - one day it could happen again and legally (the legal system being as crap as it is on rape) you will be on shaky ground if you haven't reported previous assaults.
Another reason is that it's a pretty well-known phenomenon that abusers will beg forgiveness but, in being forgiven, ultimately lose respect for their victims even more. So, although he's sorry now, one day he might start thinking 'she stayed last time, I could do it again'.
I really hope that's not what happens, but please bear it in mind.

Blu · 18/02/2007 18:07

S&B - also, please, please, keep your documentation (passports / birth certificates for you and the is, all your bank and savings stuff and maybe enough cash for a taxi fare and a takeaway etc) somewhere safe that he is not aware of. if he ever does anything again, you need to be able to go at once. Have the Women's Aid number in your phone. But at the first sign of any more touble, call the police.

Well done for facing up to him. I wish you luck and hope he will get effective help.

Blu · 18/02/2007 18:08

ThionksTooMuch - I thought that the police now had a policy of pressing charges themselves whether or not the victim does? The Met do, anyway.

edam · 18/02/2007 18:21

SaB, no-one thinks you are stupid. You are the one in the middle of this situation, you know your dh best. If he is genuinely shocked and honestly wants to change his behaviour, that's a good start. But Blu's right about keeping an emergency pack handy just in case things don't work out. And still worth calling Women's Aid - they may have some advice about what to do to protect yourself while you are trying to work things out.

Original poster

ScaredAndBetrayed · 18/02/2007 19:19

thank you for your advice and kind words. I realise that this is a decision that will end up either good or bad. I hope it is good. at the end of the day i fell in love with this man for some reason. i guess i just want that back. my bags are still packed just in case. ive taken money out of the bank and hidden put it on my pay as you go debit card which he hasnt got access to. i know if it goes wrong then on my own head be it and you can all say i told you so. i will ring some places tomorrow as well just to see where i stand with everything.

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Dottydot · 18/02/2007 19:26

Scaredandbetrayed - just read this thread and wanted to say you did so well talking to your husband - it must have taken huge amounts of strength and courage and I think it's admirable. Whatever happens from now on, you've had the guts to really talk to him and make him start to face up to what he's done and how you feel.

Good luck and I hope however you want things to work do so.

fortyplus · 18/02/2007 19:26

Speak to the Housing Needs Office at your local council. If they are anything like where I work then under these circumstances a hostel would be for a matter of days before you were found somewhere to live.
You can't continue to live with this man. Listen to yourself... you have never left your children alone with him, right? How much worse could it be?
Please phone in the morning and make arrangements to leave.

Original poster

ScaredAndBetrayed · 18/02/2007 19:35

i know there are hostels near me. if it came to it i know i could go there. but at the same time, i dont see why I should be the one to leave. is there any way i could make him leave if it came to it?

OP posts:

batters · 18/02/2007 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkchampagne · 18/02/2007 19:54

S&B - I am so so sorry you are going through this.
Well done for sitting your husband down & having the big talk - it must have taken a lot of courage.
Please don't allow this to happen again though. Have an escape plan ready. Make sure you have your mobile charged at all times, keep some spare clothes for yourself & your children at a friend or family members house for emergencies, keep some money & all your important documents close at hand.

Don't know if you have the number for Woman's aid, but it is:08082000247. Give them a ring.
Also, Rights of women offer free legal advice for women suffering from DV, and their number is:02072516577

I really feel for you & I hope things improve for you soon.

fortyplus · 18/02/2007 20:11

ScaredAndBetrayed - I think Xenia has advised people on this in the past?
Don't know if she's about this evening.

Blu · 19/02/2007 13:22

I don't know about making him leave - but agree with you that he should be the one to go (if it comes to that) leaving you and the children in a secure home. I really am hoping for you that he does seek help and that this situation can be mended to a degree that makes you feel confident and relaxed. (and Edam is right - you are certainly not stupid). But part of your strength may come from knowing as much as you can about your rights. If he assaults you you could probably seek an injunction and, as you say, get him out of the house. This is exactly the sort of thing Women's Aid will be able to advise you on...all useful info for your back pocket.

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