Teasing to show affection

[midnightswirls]

I'd just like some outside advice on this situation please.

So I've been in a couple of EA relationships. One of them was physical with me a few times. I left my ex about 6 months ago and I'm awaiting to do the freedom programme.

I've been speaking to a guy on an online dating site. I weren't actively seeking anyone but we seemed to get on well. We've only been talking almost 2 weeks but something he send in a text had me a little uneasy and a little warning went off.

He said "as long as you don't mind mr showing affection by making fun of you then we should be fine" followed by a laughing face. We got onto this subject as he said Xmas was actually romantic and I asked if he was a romantic type person. He said more affectionate rather than romantic.

Now am I reading too much into this comment or should I be wary? It could be harmless teasing he means but I'm a bit over sensitive because of my past?? I'm not sure? What do you think??

Trust your gut. He wants a laugh at your expense and is telling you that up front. Any complaints from you in the future will be met with the "but I told you this and you didn't say no so you must have been ok with it" or some such other non-excuse.

If you tell him (and I think you should as it wouldn't be fair to expect him to read your mind) that you do not appreciate being made fun of for affection or any other reason -the ball is in his court. You can then decide based on his response-if he is respectful then you might have a keeper (for now). But any comment about being sensitive or any just joking crap about anything "fragile ego" whatever -then you know to distance yourself and step away.

I think you should ask him what 'showing affection by making fun' of someone who he, presumably, cares about means,

Alternatively, meet him and see what he means. .

Does anyone like being teased as a show of affection? Imagine reading on a dating profile "I like it when people make fun of me to show me how much they like me".

It is not something you are supposed to enjoy - he even says it himself, 'as long as you don't mind...' He is telling you, right up front, that he expects to be able to make you uncomfortable for his own amusement, and for you to accept it as 'affection'.

Tell him if you like, but I'd be surprised if you got anything other than the response AndtheBand has warned you about.

I did think the comment was a bit odd. It just came from no where. In his previous texts he hasn't made fun once or made me feel uncomfortable so it was a bit random. Like you said shu who enjoys being teased?!

Andtheband maybe I should say something like that. I just don't want to turn the conversation hostile. Not too sure how to word it really.

Goddess I guess you would get a true feel of a person meeting them in RL. Just don't want to be sucked into charm if his agenda is to tease

Alternatively, meet him and see what he means.

This is terrible advice.

Take him at his word and avoid him and his teasing bullying ways. With your history I would avoid dating or 'chatting' until you've completed the freedom programme. The programme is designed to help you recognise behaviour in yourself and in others, that make you vulnerable to potentially abusive relationships. His teasing comment should have set of a cacophony of alarm bells, teasing as means of showing affection is a reason/ excuse given for inarticulate young boys, not for grown arse men to hijack as a defence for bullying women. This man is potentially grooming you for a dysfunctional relationship and hopefully with the help of the Freedoom programme you will be able to see this in the future.

Your 'sensitivity' to his comment is your gut telling you that there's something off here, listen to your gut.

There are many examples on this board of women who become over emotionally invested in men they meet online and delay meeting in rl, and I reckon you stand more chance of being 'sucked into' whatever charm he possesses if you continue chatting to him than if you met him.

As I can't imagine that I'd find any man who made fun of me in order to show their affection to be anything other than a knob, their 'charm' would be wasted on me unless they had a particularly delicate way with words and were able to accomplish this feat in a totally non-offensive and inoffensive manner.

Bearing in mind the number of emotionally needy women who get sucked into emotionally investing in men they haven't met, I dont see that my advice can be termed "terrible", Isetan, and I'd be very wary of a man who wasn't keen to meet up as quickly as possible as the chances are he's married/otherwise engaged, a player, or spectacularly lacking in the looks department.

I don't do old, but if I did I'd go through them at a rate of knots suggest a quick drink after work which offers an escape route after half-an-hour or so, but leaves the possibility of dinner open if there's a mutual attraction.

I tease people I know where appropriate - men and friends and family. However it's good natured and only with people whose humour is similar to mine and do the same back to me. I have plenty of people I don't tease as their humour isn't on that wavelength.

I would never tell someone in advance or I had never met that I will tease them. All kinds of wrong. Any teasing would develop naturely over time if it felt appropriate.

He doesn't know you remotely well enough to make such a call yet he's still telling you he will do this regardless of how you may feel about it. Disrespectful and I would run a mile.

Thanks isetan alarm bells did go off and this is why I've posted. This is what I'm worried about this being the "charm phase" although saying he'd tease me to show affection isn't exactly charming.

Goddess he is quite keen to meet. He even said he thinks he's better looking in RL than his pics. Only thing about meeting is he could put a charm on and I may not see the real him. Or he could show me snips of the real him.
How it stands atm I'm not entirely sure I'd want to meet him.

In that case, go with your gut feeling and bin him, midnight.

The way he claims to 'show affection' could prove to be something or nothing, but saying "he thinks he's better looking in RL than his pics" has set my alarm bells off - he sounds like a cocksure braggart who gets off on putting other people down.

Only thing about meeting is he could put a charm on and I may not see the real him

This is worrying. If you can't trust your own judgement you're best advised to keep away from old and only date men whose 'provenance', as it were, is known because they've been introduced to you by friends who can vouch for their veracity.

Flower that is a very good point. You'd let flirty joking teasing happen naturally over time. Not tell someone your doing it.

Goddess I know. I put oh really? And he put yea your in for a treat. So yes he obviously thinks a lot of himself. Or is so insecure he over compensates, you may be right, I think I'm beginning to learn as I've read the freedom programme online but still not 100% with spotting behaviours.

I always attract these type of bloody men tired of these idiots now

So yes he obviously thinks a lot of himself. Or is so insecure he over compensates

Life's too short to spend trying to fix inadequate men.

You say you've 'read' the Freedom Programme online. Does this mean you've completed it?

Why not join this long running thread and pick up some tips on how to sort wheat from chaff from experienced old-ers:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2778994-Online-dating-where-have-all-the-good-men-gone-Thread-110

Is fine only if you also like it and find it affectionate.

DH likes to be teased. He finds it funny and a sign of affection. He also likes to tease people.

I don't like it. So he doesn't do it to me.

DS doesn't like it. So he doesn't do it to him.

DH and my Mum, however, tease each other mercilessly.

He didn't say tease though, did he, he said make fun of you. No I would not be up for that.

And I agree that if he was playful it would be natural, he wouldn't have to warn you about it.

Allover yea he did say make fun rather than tease which I think is different. When I saw the text I felt immediately uneasy. I just don't get why you would say something like that.

Goddess no I haven't completed all of it. But thank you for the thread. Might be helpful in the minefield of OLD. So many people OLD now I suppose you have to work through the idiots

Theradieant I don't either. Especially since my ex used to make fun of me most of the time. It wasn't nice and definitely wasn't playful

If someone thinks that "making fun" of another person is affectionate then they are mistaken in the meaning if affection and need to learn what the word actually means.

Making fun, teasing someone - nothing wrong with that as a joke and in a kind manner.

Allover is correct, making fun of is not the same as teasing.

Perhaps "You're in for a treat", is just more of his rather "off" jokey manner.

It's all irrelevant anyway, you can spend months texting and then meet, take one look and think "No way". An actual phone call can sort it sometimes.

He sounds like a knob.

Oh how tempting to respond
"No, I think it's the kind of behaviour I would associate with an emotionally retarded bully." just teasing
Except it would only probably encourage him.

I know how does he think making fun is affectionate?? Reminds me of the little boy in the playground, bullying and making fun of the girl he fancies. Just immature.

I've replied and asked what he means by it. I'm curious to see his response. I'm expecting an immature idiot response

Who tells you they are better looking in real life? Weird level of arrogance, very unattractive.

It depends... me and dp tease each other but not in a horrid way... like.... i have a thing where if he says hello.. i dramticly sing is it me your looking for... then he shakes his head and calls me a geek..
But that took time to get to a teasing state n it never includes tricks or unkind words.

He could be just clusmy with hes words but he could also be a dick

Bit on a plus yoir gut is working.

So this was his response to my what do you mean making fun to show affection text...

Oh God that's a tough one to explain 😂 not like literally but you know how you take the piss out of your friends but in a loving way? Give you a kick up the bum or say Oh good one when you mess up? you know what I mean, I hope 🙈 that's probably just to balance of the fact that I'd be so lovely to you all the time anyway 😊 x

If only he knew he's messages were being shared haha! But I need advice as I don't want any other idiots in my life!! I feel like he is panicking slightly! And so he should

He's going to be so lovely to you for most of the time that occasionally he's going to kick you up the bum? For balance? Er, what?

It does sound like he is panicking a bit. I think if you want to really try to figure it out you need to say explicitly, 'I don't like having the piss taken out of me, even in a loving way.' And see how he reacts. Because if he comes back with anything like, oh come on, I don't mean it like that, it's just a bit of fun etc., then you know you need to get rid. The only way it's salvageable is if he says something like ok, sure, some people don't like it, I understand, I won't do it with you. Even then, I'd suspect it would start creeping in eventually.

Oh god.... He's talking about 'The Bants' isn't he?

"Just banter, lord bant of bantershire, the archbishop of Canterbury"
So on and so forth.

I don't know about kicki up the bum, I'd kick him straight to the kerb. He sounds like a right pillock.

Shu yea I think I need to be blunt with him and see what the response is. I think his wording isn't too good as he's panicking. But still.... lol.

Pinkie indeed he is talking about "the banter" but you should save that for your friends. I'm all for having a laugh and teasing each other in a playful way but not being made fun of to show affection :/