Teasing to show affection

[midnightswirls]

I'd just like some outside advice on this situation please.

So I've been in a couple of EA relationships. One of them was physical with me a few times. I left my ex about 6 months ago and I'm awaiting to do the freedom programme.

I've been speaking to a guy on an online dating site. I weren't actively seeking anyone but we seemed to get on well. We've only been talking almost 2 weeks but something he send in a text had me a little uneasy and a little warning went off.

He said "as long as you don't mind mr showing affection by making fun of you then we should be fine" followed by a laughing face. We got onto this subject as he said Xmas was actually romantic and I asked if he was a romantic type person. He said more affectionate rather than romantic.

Now am I reading too much into this comment or should I be wary? It could be harmless teasing he means but I'm a bit over sensitive because of my past?? I'm not sure? What do you think??

Honestly?i think he's worried about coming across as too nice or needy - so he's trying to project an image of fun loving and affectionate but not a drip. Truth is people talk all kinds of shit and what matters is what they do. And of corse he might be a charmer, but that's why you don't invest yourself too early and get to know each other. I think he ready now knows he's got it wrong from that last message he's back tracking isn't he?

I think you should come off the online dating altogether and be single for a while. Love your own self for a change. Your radar is still a bit off and I think with this person you could be in for more of what you have had before. He is backtracking big time.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents set you?.

Maybe dad that is the first thing he's said where I was like hmmm. But like you said he might be scared about coming across as a drip. But he is backtracking quite a lot

Why would he say that? Sounds really odd to me. There's plenty more fish in the sea darling hugs don't waste your time on this silly man.

If someone says something that sounds a bit off he's probably not the one for you.

Just keep looking until you find someone who doesn't make you worry about anything. You'll find him, they do exist - you exist so there must be someone else with similar ideas and values.

You aren't a match if he likes pisstaking and you don't. That's not something you have to change or feel bad about. You don't want it, simple. Find someone who ticks all your boxes and doesn't make you think 'that's a bit odd'.

Something I've learnt lately that might help you...get yourself happy and in a position where you want to be emotionally. Then think of a relationship as having another person to spend time with who doesn't affect your view of yourself - you don't need them to make you happier, and likewise they don't make you feel worse. Yes they will make you feel happiness, or rather you can share happiness, but if they weren't there you would be able to have a nice life anyway. Them being there is a bonus and joyous, but it's something that is additional and not needed by you if that makes sense.

I suspect pinkie is correct and you have yourself a proper wankstain bantlord. How very disappointing.

My father used to tease us mercilessly, and always said it was because he loved us.

It wasn't. It was because he could, and we couldn't do anything about it.

I've realised that all my childhood I was taught that a horrible, icky, uncomfortable feeling was "love".

It's not.

Imo, there's a very fine line between teasing and being deliberately cruel.

If you don't like being teased then he is not the one for you.

I wonder if he is a "normal" teaser who has had a previous relationship founder on this. I also wonder if he doesn't actually mean he is more handsome in RL, and thinks you will know that it's a weird kind of self-depracating.

I am able to speculate along these lines partly because the texted word has come to play such a large part in communications these days, whereas the spoken word has all those nuances of tone, takes place in real time etc. But constraints of time and bandwidth mean spoken convos are something of a luxury nowadays, it seems to me.

Tiptoe thank you that's really lovely advice. I think I do need to work on myself first. I've just been so unhappy for the past 2 years and now I'm lonely I guess I was seeking a person to speak to.

I replied to his previous text above with well nobody likes to have the piss taken out of them 24/7 for no reason and especially out of affection. This was his reply:

Well you've got the other side of it I could be so soppy it makes you cringe. I'm not helping myself here am I 🙈😂I should have just said banter to start with 🙄🙈 moving swiftly on......

Then he just spoke about his day.

I don't think you will feel comfortable with him.He just sounds very immature.

I really believe you need to feel "filled up" yourself rather than look for someone to love you.

Do you work and manage to meet up with friends?

Affectionate teasing only works if you are both up for it & feel secure enough together to know that it is affectionate. It doesn't work when you don't know someone at all because you've never met. If you have a bad feeling about this guy then stop. Please don't over think or overinvest in online chats. In general its good to meet asap eg within 2 weeks of chatting online because RL is the only way you get to know someone.

Well, if he thinks 'banter' would have been the get-out-of-jail card then he's a dick and you should def sling him.

But you need to get better at stating your boundaries. 'nobody likes to have the piss taken out of them 24/7' is an obvious statement that he can easily turn back to say of course he wouldn't do that 24/7. And you don't need to appeal to what 'nobody' would like, you can say 'I don't like...' That's enough. And he either accepts that and behaves accordingly, or he thinks you're oversensitive and can't take a bit of banter, in which case, fuck him off.