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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband gave me an std

55 replies

MrsAC1 · 01/12/2016 20:43

I'm really confused and don't know what to do. Have just found out my husband has cheated on me. The only reason he told me was that he has given me an std. It's been a difficult year as we had a baby in April but I really didn't expect this. I don't know where to go from here.

OP posts:

ValaMalDoran · 01/12/2016 21:27

AF - She had a baby in April so thankfully isn't pregnant right now from how I read it.

OP - you need to figure out if you want to get past this. Getting past infidelity is an incredibly long and incredibly rough road. It also needs BOTH of you to want to get past it and to do all you can to do that. It also needs you both to realise that things won't ever be the same again.

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 01/12/2016 21:28

Unfortunately he's in the perfect job to repeat this - not necessarily now, but at a point(s) - it's easy pickings for him particularly where alcohol is in the mix.
I'm afraid no matter how long it takes, that this is very likely the beginning of the end for your relationship :0(
Did he cheat on his first wife?
(He probably wouldn't want you to know if he had).

TwentyCups · 01/12/2016 21:28

He has no respect for you and you deserve so much better than this.

Your step children can still be a part of your life - your posts read as though you are mostly worried for them in this scenario. Your baby is their sibling - you are family now so stop worrying in that respect.

I'm glad this STI is treatable, that is one good thing. But for someone to risk your health and betray your trust in this way, well, I don't think they deserve forgiveness. You need to find your anger.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2016 21:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AdoraBell · 01/12/2016 21:29

So he is scared that he will have to sort childcare for his children from previous relationship?

Though shit.

This is one I wouldn't be able to get passed. He clearly wouldn't have told you if there was no std. That means there is no remorse or regret on his side. That means there is no respect for you.

for you.

srslylikeomg · 01/12/2016 21:30

I think one of the worst things about infidelity is that it forces you to act when you don't want to. Of course you want things how they were, you don't want to uproot and change everything, you want the familiar comfort of him, home and your life together. But please remember that by breaking away from him, although it's your decision, it is his fault. He caused this mess, he has made this impossible and it's him that you should blame for this horrible scenario you now find yourself in. :(

StiffenedPleat · 01/12/2016 21:38

Has he described precisely what happened? How shitty that you know her. Was it a one night stand or something more than that?

I've known people sort out their relationships after an affair. It isn't inevitably the death knell but it is MORE THAN reasonable for you to decide you can't go on with the relationship.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 01/12/2016 21:39

When my exH gave me an STD I left him and never looked back.

You deserve so much more than wondering if every time he goes to work if he's screwing some drunken woman.

TheLobsterRollPlease · 01/12/2016 21:41

So sorry to hear this OP

EweAreHere · 01/12/2016 21:44

So sorry, OP. What a crappy position to be in.

Bangers123456789 · 01/12/2016 21:44

Well I was talking to you, anyfucker not very helpful and positive are you.

Original poster

MrsAC1 · 01/12/2016 21:49

He went round to her house for a drink after work. One night stand. Can't home and got into bed with me 😔

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/12/2016 21:49

I must have missed where you said anything in support of the op, bangers

mamakena · 01/12/2016 21:57

MrsAC1, so sorry to hear about your situation. The fact that you're the only one even concerned for his kids shows he's been an ass and had probably been emotionally abusive to you before the cheating. I hope you can personally get past this. The relationship just can't be the same ever again. Pls visit survivinginfidelity.com for some support.

My personal view has always been, once a cheater, always a cheater. But you're in a very delicate state with the new baby. You need to clear your head for a while. Can you visit family for a while with your baby? (No, he can arrange childcare for his kids, not your job).

Original poster

MrsAC1 · 01/12/2016 22:02

I will try to do that. I have time off over Christmas so will try to get away and have some space then

OP posts:

Bangers123456789 · 01/12/2016 22:05

I didn't. But you didn't either. anyfucker just like all your other posts. Relentless negativity from you isn't it.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2016 22:11

Take your beef with me off this thread, bangers. It is inappropriate. Do you think the op needs to see you using her situation as a way to get a dig in at me ? Sort yourself out.

Graceflorrick · 01/12/2016 22:17

You deserve better than this man OP.

IdaDown · 01/12/2016 22:17

Can't you go to your DM's over Christmas MrsAC1?

You might want to have sometime without your partner and his kids to take stock.

You didn't make this mess.
You don't have to fix it.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/12/2016 22:21

Adoras right,, if it wasn't for this std, you wouldn't know about it, which begs the question, what more is there?

You do need space, I hope you can get that, he's done this to the kids, you need to look after you, and your baby

baconandeggies · 01/12/2016 22:22

Please also have a full sti screening with sexual health - you can't take his word for anything I'm afraid.

QueenArseClangers · 01/12/2016 23:05

So he probably wouldn't have told you about him shagging around if he hadn't caught the clap then.
Bet it's not the first or probably te last time he's done it unfortunately.
How many DCs do you have including step kids?

Molly333 · 03/12/2016 06:38

You can and will get over this and there are millions of us out there who have and in fact have better lives now as a result . My advice - get counselling ( will make u stronger in the end but will hold ur hand while u do this and provide a safe place for you to off load yr feelings) . Write and ideal list as to how your life would be and how you would like your relationship to be , then look, do you hv any of that ???pribably not ! When you step back and look your pribably accepting lots of things that were never what u wanted . You are here , you hv a right to be loved and cared for !!! He let you down , cry, be angry but most of all try change . This wil all take time so just plan to get through one day at a time , be kind to ur self , be selfish as you deserve to be x

SandyY2K · 03/12/2016 06:55

Somehow I suspect the ONS thing isn't true and it was an affair, but it doesn't really matter, because the STI would trump that.

He had unprotected sex with her.... and I'd be ending the relationship. He's sorry he got caught and worried about childcare

That's the gratitude you get for looking after his kids,.

I'd expect my husband to move mountains if he wanted me to stay with him. What has he done to show remorse?

How can you trust him, especially working in the pub?

Why do you feel that you have to get past it? You don't. You can't have a decent relationship with no trust and he's proven he's not trustworthy.

Every action requires consequences. What are the consequences for this for him?

Twittwoo72 · 03/12/2016 07:09

LTB-is it even up for debate?

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