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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

homeless jobless male wanting a date....

42 replies

Veganmeredith · 01/12/2016 13:31

living on my narrowboat as a single independent mother of 3 for the past 11 months, I have friended a male (looks a little like ross off Emmerdale) he is 3 years younger than me. We met in the summer when I was struggling with a little boat maintenance he helped out and we had a coffee and a laugh. I must admit I was a little omg hes a bit of alright! He plays various instruments,sings and is a great character, kind and clever and I hoped he was a fellow boat dweller. However as the months have gone bye hes opened up to me about his past. and well his cridentials are well zero! I'm not materialistic but do I really want a homeless ex junkie around?
Hes very free spirited but how can you separate a free spirit from a free loader?
Ive met a few of his friends and they all seem great... my kind of people. He came to today with a living Christmas tree for me and I hid from him so he left a note saying, I would like to see how long we can grow together all of us merry Christmas. jack xxx

OP posts:
Windanddrizzle · 01/12/2016 13:35

Where's he living at the moment? Can you not just enjoy his company and see what happens? I would take things very slowly though, particularly as you have children.

myoriginal3 · 01/12/2016 13:38

I want to live on a boat. Envy

As you were!

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 01/12/2016 13:40

Even speaking as someone entirely different from you, I wouldn't get involved if I were you as you have your three kids to think of and their needs to put first. I wouldn't want to risk bringing him into my home and him being the free loader you think he might be. I also don't like that he is immediately assuming he is part of an 'all of us' with your children, like putting himself in the position of significant other without you actually agreeing to that or indeed being sure that's what you want.

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 01/12/2016 13:44

Well, how does he live? If he was really homeless wouldn't this have been something you picked up on initially?

He must fund his life somehow, especially if he is bringing you christmas trees!

Tenshidarkangel · 01/12/2016 13:45

Addicts are always recovering. They are never ex addicts. Everyday they are clean is a day of recovery and he could relapse at any point. I learnt that the hard way. Sad

Do what makes you and your kids happy but keep that in mind.

Hellmouth · 01/12/2016 13:51

Is he homeless homeless or sleeping on someone's couch or something? Is he trying to look for work, does he have ambitions, is he trying to be independent? People turn their lives around all the time. I personally would give him a chance. One date doesn't mean you're going to ride off into the sunset and get married, just take it one day at a time :)

Veganmeredith · 01/12/2016 13:51

he living with friends in a shared house but he has lived like 3 different places in 6 months. I feel like ive taken it carefully so far, he worked a little in summer doing marshalling at a few festivals. Ive never given him anything apart from a few coffees sat outside on the bank, which I enjoyed. Its a tight community on the water and he is a well known face on the bank. My kids have never met him. my friend said I should go to the police station and ask about him in regards to sarahs law? Then I feel like I'm been over causiouss? thanks for all replys x

OP posts:
Veganmeredith · 01/12/2016 14:01

he has been open about his recovery from addiction. He is ex army and was living in a shared house as part of a british legion programe, who have helped him get clean he says hes been clean1 and a half years. I didn't recognise any tell tell signs he was homeless! he didn't like living with the other ex army men in this house as he said it was constant talk of things that brought his mood down so he left but stil goes to day center, he makes various wood carved things that he gets payed for.

OP posts:
MotherTeresasCat · 01/12/2016 15:18

One and a half years into recovery is still early days. Does he go to recovery meetings? Does he work a 12 step programme?

Hellmouth · 01/12/2016 15:23

He has been honest with you, which is great. I stand by what I said earlier, and agree with Wind

Greypaw · 01/12/2016 15:31

I can see why you're undecided. His life circumstances aren't good on paper and point towards him perhaps having issues that will be difficult to deal with once you get to know him better. Anyone can become homeless of course, just as anyone can lose their job, but those two things combined with the drug addiction could be worrying.

I've had a bit of experience with this kind of relationship so I'll share what I learned; my first relationship after my marriage collapsed was with a guy who was technically homeless after having split up with his wife, and was living temporarily with family. When I was first with him he had a job and the homelessness seemed a temporary glitch in an otherwise stable life, but after a few months he stopped going to work after "kicking off" (as he put it) during a meeting and I found out he'd been fired from his past couple of jobs because of being violent towards colleagues and members of the public. It soon became clear he was emotionally very unstable (and emotionally brutal towards me) and I left the relationship grateful that he hadn't become too involved with my family and that I'd never relented and allowed him to move in with me (there was a certain amount of subtle pressure on me to let him move in because he had no home).

He too could play music and was clever and interesting. I've never found anyone else I've had the kind of connection I had with him, and leaving him was the saddest things I've had to do. But as I got to know him better I recognised all the signs of a personality disorder (later verified by diagnosis) that made him difficult to be around at times. He attempted suicide in a way that still leaves me with nightmares.

If I hadn't had children, I might have taken more of a chance on him and seen how things worked out, but because I didn't want my children to be affected by his unstable existence, I bailed out. I have had experience of having a partner with addiction (not the same person) and I can't imagine how difficult it would have been if that had been added to the mix.

People can have hard times and overcome adversity, but go carefully. I'd say take things very slowly and observe him for a while - see him in different moods and in different circumstances, because one of those life issues might be down to bad luck, but three of them together feels like a red flag.

ZoFloMoFo · 01/12/2016 15:36

If it was just you I'd say I think you're mad but you have no responsibilities so knock yourself out, go for it.

With kids? Nah I wouldn't touch this bloke with a barge pole.

StefCWS · 01/12/2016 15:41

He might be amazing, give him a chance. If things don't seem right or you get the feeling he is freeloading then finish it, what have you got to loose.

helpme12335 · 01/12/2016 15:50

Go for it - we all have a past. Like others have said just take it slowly - what have you got to loose!

Colby43443 · 01/12/2016 15:54

stay well away would be my advice. You have kids to think about first.

Whymetoday · 01/12/2016 16:13

With kids I would steer clear unless they are adult children. Too risky for me that one.

kerstina · 01/12/2016 16:19

I would say keep him as a friend . I also struck up a friendship with a homeless guy . He seemed so sweet and sensitive but it soon became apparent he had anger issues when he gave up cannabis which he did a few times . He had been through a lot in his life and we have been through a lot but although he has been such a good friend to me he has caused me a lot of stress with his mood swings . He thinks I have helped him and he has been a lot happier generally. You never quite know where you are with him a bit of a heckle and Hyde character . Just be wary .

AntiqueSinger · 01/12/2016 18:34

If you were unattached yeah. Maybe for the thrill and the eventual 'love of my life' nostalgia. But with kids and responsibilities, avoid. Think of your children and only bring someone stable into their lives. They don't need to see the sort of broken pattern that comes with the 'free spirited' type. Translate: non-dependable, retains child-like view of the world in all its surprise, joy and wonder and thus very exciting to be with, but also retaining a child's approach to solving problems. Keep him as a friend. A non-commital one.

Though I suspect you'll still be tempted anyway,Wink in which case take it very slowly.

Dozer · 01/12/2016 18:38

You have DC, best stay well clear.

His note was presumptuous, especially about your DC.

GloriaGaynor · 01/12/2016 18:48

Those type of guys find it very difficult to deal with the kind of routine, responsible, proscribed life you inevitably lead when you have 3 kids.

Be a mate but don't get involved emotionally. (I know you're going to fuck him anyway - just don't get attached). Wink

GloriaGaynor · 01/12/2016 18:49

Prescribed not proscribed.

Jacquinta · 01/12/2016 18:50

Oh no OP. Don't go there

Lilacpink40 · 01/12/2016 19:00

Too many problems. It will take a long time to sort all of this out. I'd stick to friendship.

PsychedelicSheep · 01/12/2016 22:42

I'd also say give him a chance, but take it very slowly and don't let him get his feet under your table. I know a lot of musicians and artists who don't have 'proper jobs', my boyfriend fits this description at certain times too! Plus I know a few recovering addicts and they're great people. So don't rule it out but be wary and don't ever put his needs before your own.

QuintessentialShadow · 02/12/2016 11:35

Nah, not as long as it seems he is happy to drift and coach surf. He may wish to step up your relationship as he may have run out of coaches to crash on? His friends may be well fed up with him by now?
And what does he do hanging around the long boats on the bank? Isnt that just a bit creepy, him hanging out in this community?

I would not date him until he is beginning to sort his life out and stop drifting. With kids, you dont want him to just drift in, and then out when you have had enough of him lazing around yours. Handsome or not!