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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What would you think?

29 replies

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 10:24

If you found out that your dh had set up a business with a woman you had never met? Stbxh and I are in the progress of divorce, he completely shut me out in the year before I left and I couldn't work out why. Now I have his declaration and I see that he was made redundant and set up a company with this woman, who I think he used to work with. I knew none of this, and am shocked that he didn't share anything with me. He was working away in the week as he has always done. His form says that he does not intend to live with anyone, but I don't know how much to question this relationship and partnership as obviously now he is self employed he earns virtually nothing...

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tribpot · 01/12/2016 10:33

Dodgy as hell. Most people only set up a small company/split the sharedholding with:

a spouse
a trusted business partner of long standing.

Can you see anything about how the partnership is split? I'm wondering if the wheeze here is that she owns 90% of the shares, he owns 10%, so they can funnel all the dividends away from being part of his financial assets. If it's a limited company, you should be able to see this on Companies House, assuming the company has existed long enough to file a return.

So he never told you he had been made redundant? Is it even true?? Very weird.

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 10:38

It's 50 50 and the accounts have yet to be posted.. I'm wondering too if he says that his salary is low and the proceeds are going elsewhere. I am flabbergasted, I really knew nothing. I wonder how far I should ask my solicitor to question the relationship and the business itself. I see from his bank statements that he received a largish sum of money and has no more payslips after the date he says he has made redundant. Have also sent him a few angry texts but nothing back. We were together for 20 years, it's just so odd.

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hellsbellsmelons · 01/12/2016 10:45

People with small businesses tend to pay themselves minimal salary.
They make their money through dividends!
I'm sorry you are going through all of this.
It can't be easy.
How old are your DC?

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 10:50

Dc are 5&7, I don't know what to do, and he won't even speak to me. Can my solicitor or the court demand to see the accounts if the business so far? I just looked and the account filing has just been deferred.

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tribpot · 01/12/2016 11:00

It may be that he hasn't paid himself any dividends yet, this would be normal in a start-up. But I have never understood whether or not dividend payments are taken into account when assessing liability for child support - based on what's written on MN they don't seem to be, but I can't see why they aren't. This page suggests you can apply for a variation to have them included - I fail to see why the fact they are technically 'unearned' income means they should be excluded in the first place.

He should be paying himself a salary, assuming he is working for this limited company, so there should be pay slips even as someone who is self-employed.

I wouldn't bother sending him any texts about it, just talk to your solicitor.

OohhThatsMe · 01/12/2016 11:03

It looks as though the two of them are living together, working together and figuring out together how to deprive you and the children of any money. What a nasty piece of work he is.

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 11:04

Thanks, that is really helpful advise. I will do. Im so shaken

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Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 11:04

Advice :)

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Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 11:04

It does, doesn't it :(

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citybumpkin · 01/12/2016 11:48

I suspect that they are more than just business partners. A few months after my ex left me - allegedly to be alone - the new woman in his life left her job and became a director of his business. She was married with two young children at that time but I won't go into that... He denied an OW when he was leaving, put all the blame onto me and in fact he had obviously been dipping his wick elsewhere for some time. I wasn't "allowed" to be part of his business in all of the 9 years we were together. Sorry to say it but people can be complete arseholes at times.

I would ensure that your solicitor is able to gather as much facts/evidence as possible to present.

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 11:51

It sounds similar, i'm sorry to hear that. Why are they so deceitful?

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citybumpkin · 01/12/2016 12:14

They just cannot face reality. Its far easier to project onto others than admit their misgivings or intentions. I'm getting through it with the knowledge that they are just made this way so unfortunately it will happen again and again. It seems that men in particular cannot be alone and always need someone to move onto. Many for you Mary. Just try to be as strong as you possibly can.

myfriendnigel · 01/12/2016 13:44

Sounds suspect to me.sorry op

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 01/12/2016 13:49

It's so humiliating, I don't know what to di

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citybumpkin · 01/12/2016 14:29

Mary I never felt humiliated just very angry and very wronged. As said speak to your solicitor and ensure facts/evidence are gathered. Really sorry but it does sound as though he was living a double life in the run up to him leaving.

AnyFucker · 01/12/2016 17:01

What a Prince Among Men. Doing his best to hide his income to take food from his kid's mouths. You are well rid. If this woman has thrown her lot in with him, she will come to rue the day.

I am sorry. Take care of yourself x

TheNaze73 · 01/12/2016 18:12

Sounds like a front to declare low income/no income. Are there children involved?

tribpot · 01/12/2016 18:36

It is normal when you own a limited company to pay yourself a small wage and then pay yourself dividends, as this is more tax efficient. You can do things which are more dodgy, like paying living expenses out of the company account, but you would get in big trouble if caught. So on the face of it, what he's doing is legit, although I have no doubt that he is doing it to avoid paying money for the upkeep of his own children. By having the company split 50:50 it means only half of each month's dividend belongs to him, even if they pool the money in one account afterwards. So even if the dividend income is taken into account, it may be half what he's really making for the company (is the OW working for the firm too?).

However, the tax man can miraculously discover what my dividend income is when it's tax return time, and doesn't say 'oh well, no need to pay tax on that', so why it can't be used in calculations for child support (without hoop jumping) is beyond me.

I'd make sure everyone knew he had set up a company with this woman, as no doubt he is claiming they are 'just friends'.

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 02/12/2016 02:30

I moved out with kids in August as he wouldn't go and the house was brjng sold. The sale later fell through and so he is living in our home. I went round this afternoon and he has changed the locks and there is women's stuff in there and love notes written on my board. I asked him who it was when he called and he wouldn't tell me. I think its this woman, they own the company 50 50. I don't want my kids going there this weekend when there is a strange woman there. So many lies

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myfriendnoel · 02/12/2016 06:22

I think you would be within your rights to ask him to tell you what's going on as if your children are going to be spending time with someone you deserve to know about it at least-you can't stop it unfortunately but you should at least be told.
Please don't feel humiliated.you have done nothing except become the victim a man who is clearly quite calculating and very unpleasant.

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 02/12/2016 07:48

Thanks for those kind words, I'm trying to not feel worthless. I asked who it was and he wouldn't tell me, probably because that gives me all of the pieces of the puzzle. Solicitors letter on its way, let's see if he takes any notice..

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citybumpkin · 05/12/2016 12:19

Mary it is difficult not to feel worthless and your mind will be whirring with all sorts of questions (mine still is after a couple of years) but you will find peace at some point. You will also come out the other side proud that you survived. Just spend a little time each day to be amazed at how strong you actually are

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 05/12/2016 12:38

Thanks bumpkin. I'm trying and I'm lucky to have lovely friends around. Been reading online about men who live double lives and then find a wove to blame their wives for what they've done. I'm waiting to get hit with that as the divorce goes on

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citybumpkin · 05/12/2016 14:49

Read up on projection. My exDP referred to me as a "slut" - I can still see the texts from him, each line with that one simple word over and over. He was the one seeing someone else not me. For now you will be picking apart the relationship, wondering whether it was you, what you did wrong, why weren't you enough. It will all lessen in time. I still struggle now with the hurt that was caused but then think to what I actually have now: great friendships, new DP, I've travelled more in the past 2.5 years than I did in 9 years with the exDP, loads of time with family, new house, new car, new hairstyle, new clothes, exercise... It will all come in time, just give yourself the time and space to do it.

Original poster

Maryannesingleton · 05/12/2016 20:11

I will do that. Virtually everything he accuses me of, he has done. It's great to hear that you've moved on. Crying less today and I had dinner with some friends. The shock keeps coming over me in waves though.

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