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Original poster

Found out DP kissed 2 women during first 6 month of us dating

34 replies

Whatthefreaknow · 01/12/2016 00:37

He swears that since he fell in love with me he has been faithful.

But he went on a handful of dates and kissed 2 women during the first 6 month period of us seeing each other.

I'm so upset. I feel like our relationship and love is tainted.

Am I being childish and unreasonable?

OP posts:
Freeurmind · 01/12/2016 00:40

How long have you been with him? I kissed someone else when I first started going out with dh. I told him about it years later and it just seemed silly. He wasn't bothered.

talesofthevillage · 01/12/2016 00:42

After you were exclusive? I'd be upset too. Is he remorseful? You don't have to put up with this but its your call, you will know where your line in the sand is.

Original poster
Whatthefreaknow · 01/12/2016 00:43

We've been together just over a year.

I trusted him completely. Early on, within the first month of us dating we agreed we were only dating each other. That's why it feels like such a kick in the stomach.

OP posts:
Eeeek686 · 01/12/2016 00:45

I did the same as your DP, just a couple of random snogs with guys who had been 'potentials' before dp and I hooked up that I didn't see any harm in 'putting to bed' when the opportunity arose, iyswim... Grin neither were planned but I didn't feel really bad as as far as I was concerned the first few months you are really only 'seeing' each other? plus one of them I'd had a crush on for almost 6months so curiosity completely got the better of me

Obviously other factors do come into play, for eg how long ago are we talking? If its pretty recent I can see you might feel a bit hurt, but If it was yrs ago I really don't get the issue...

How did you find out??

Original poster
Whatthefreaknow · 01/12/2016 00:48

Yes he is upset that it upsets me. But at the same time says that it really isn't that big a deal, it didn't mean anything and at our age (40's) it's pretty normal to hedge your bets until you absolutely know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

He didn't even tell me. I found out by accident when we were out with friends and one of his friends slipped up. Sad

OP posts:
Eeeek686 · 01/12/2016 00:49

X-post! Does seem a bit off especially as you guys haven't been together that long... although are you sure they weren't just a wee drunken smooch? If full-on planned dates with an in-for-the-kill manoeuvre at the end, definitely a tad off...

How did you find out?!

oldlaundbooth · 01/12/2016 00:54

Not really worth throwing in the towel for me.

Original poster
Whatthefreaknow · 01/12/2016 00:55

One of them was an acquaintance from his home town. The other was a random woman who turned up at a uni reunion, friend of a friend.

He'd had a handful of dates with both of them before we met.

And both times he met up to actually tell them about me - and break it off - but ended up snogging.

OP posts:
talesofthevillage · 01/12/2016 00:57

But he planned other dates? Were they from online dating?

talesofthevillage · 01/12/2016 00:59

X post. Sounds like he had a few of you on the go at the same time?

Original poster
Whatthefreaknow · 01/12/2016 01:04

He says that for him, it was always casual with both women although he does acknowledge that they wanted more. He says he didn't encourage anything but in the few months after we met, he got scared and wondered if he really wanted to be in a committed relationship.

But that's what I wanted. So he met up with them to let them know he was "off the market" so to speak. Then ended up fucking kissing them.

OP posts:
talesofthevillage · 01/12/2016 01:12

You don't have to decide anything straight away. I was going to ask if he is trustworthy generally but my cynical side wonders how can you tell for anyone. Gut instinct I suppose.

BreakfastLunchPasta · 01/12/2016 01:30

I wouldn't be able to just laugh this off.
It does raise a trust issue; he sounds the type to 'accidentally' snog other people when your back is turned. I'd also wonder how many more other women there are that you haven't heard about from a third party.. on the other hand, if he's genuinely upset that he's upset you, and he's dealing with this in a loving and understanding way (defensiveness or impatience would be a deal breaker) maybe he's ok. I agree with pp not to rush any decisions.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/12/2016 01:33

The thing is, you'd agreed you were only seeing each other, that you were exclusive.

He didn't need to meet up with those 'casual' women, all he had to do was message or phone them - or nothing at all if it was that casual.

He felt unsure about being committed
He was 'hedging his bets'
He choose to see them
He chose to kiss them

...even though he'd agreed to be exclusive with you...he didn't honour his agreement with you nor tell you he wasn't, thus allowing YOU to make choices.

I would stop seeing him. I don't think it's likely it stopped at a kiss and he's shown himself to be someone who will say something to keep you happy but do as he pleases. Fuck that for a joke.

It's not the kissing per se, it's the agreeing one thing, doing another.

Angleshades · 01/12/2016 06:35

Agree totally with Annie. Why not just text them to tell them? He didn't need to meet them and kiss them when telling them it was over. Something sounds a bit odd there.

PandoNoPants · 01/12/2016 07:09

What Annie and Angle said. Unless he met up to collect personal items. Sounds a bit more than casual to me though. Also the bit about the friend "slipping up" and telling you. I wouldn't be discussing a non event or mistake like that with a friend. Something seems off and yes, I would be bothered as its quite early days. How is your relationship otherwise? Are you happy? Do you have any other reasons to doubt him?

EstellaHavisham · 01/12/2016 07:20

How sure can you be that it stopped at a kiss?

Surely even if he made the mistake of meeting one woman to tell her it was over and it ended up with kissing, he would have realised it was wrong and not met the second...
He really has tickets on himself doesn't he? Breaking all these women's hearts everywhere Hmm

I'd dump him.

He's not honest and if a 'friend' let it slip, who knows what else you don't yet know.

cookieswirls · 01/12/2016 07:24

Sorry but this would make me mad! He knew he was dating you and still kissing other women. I couldn't imagine doing that to my dp and would be heartbroken if he'd done it to me. There would be no trust and clearly no respect for you. I'm so sorry this has happened Flowers

0dfod · 01/12/2016 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Angleshades · 01/12/2016 07:42

How on earth did one of the friends let that information just 'slip out'? Was it a male or female friend? Sounds like the friend was possibly trying to warn you in some way or perhaps cause trouble? A bit more deliberate than just a slip.

talesofthevillage · 01/12/2016 21:07

OP, are you okay?

Original poster
Whatthefreaknow · 02/12/2016 00:50

Thanks tales I'm ok. Just feeling sad and low.

I believe that now we are in love and want to get married we'll be faithful and true to each other.

What I'm wondering is how important is the period before we fell in love. Neither of us were ingenue virgins. But now that we are in love I believe in our love and fidelity. What's the point in getting married otherwise?

OP posts:
AnnieAnoniMouse · 02/12/2016 02:00

There isn't any point.

However, you need to have a good long think about how you really feel, because convincing yourself that now he's 'in love' with you he won't cheat on you is isn't wise.

Marriage isn't about 'being in love'. It's about trust, real love, respect, trust, faith, communication...did I mention trust?

He said one thing
He did another

It's up to you if you're happy with someone who does that.

FlowerOfTheValley · 02/12/2016 05:32

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where he meets the women to tell them about you, tells them and they still wanted to snog him.

So clearly any conversation about you occurred after the snogging. So he lied to you about being exclusive and also lied to both of these woman too. He (unnecessarily) met up with them knowing they wanted a relationship, let them think the relationship was sufficiently okay to kiss and then told them about you - assuming he did.

He also didn't tell you about any of this. Did his friend just allude to just a snog or was this what he admitted to? It sounds more likely, as he'd already been on dates with them, that he had all three of you on the go.

It's not that he had a couple of snogs early on that would bother me as much as the fact he's lied and misled you. Telling you what you wanted to hear (exclusive) and then doing what he wanted to anyway. Also he would be faithful now because he loves you. So being faithful depends on the state of your relationship. Both classic cheaters behaviour.

Sorry OP.

Bagina · 02/12/2016 05:48

I was prepared to be open minded about this; a drunken snog at the start of a 4 year relationship etc. But no, for half of your relationship he went behind your back and met up with other women. How do you really know it was just a kiss? It's the deceit that would get me. There you are all happily loved up, at home thinking about him, and there he is off out with women! That's awful. That is cheating. You have to come down hard on this. Definitely say you want a break if you can't face a full on split yet.

Forget marriage and any long term plans as you can't trust him. So sorry for you, it must really hurt.