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Relationships

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Original poster

partner reluctant to spend christmas with my family, advice needed please!

36 replies

bakerupnorth · 30/11/2016 18:12

So, bit of a back story here which may help put my situation in context... I've been with my partner for three years, we met in London (where he is from). I'm now 24 and my partner is 33. We moved into our first home January this year but had been living together for a while before that... we have spoken about marriage and kids and that is what we both and are saving towards a house at the moment.

In April this year my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given approx. one year to live... i immediately moved back up north and my partner followed in September. He has been so supportive of my decision to move back up here as I am now my mums full time carer. His family all live in London and every time we've spoken about Christmas we just end up disagreeing. I assumed (wrongly, perhaps) that he would be spending Christmas up here with my family and I, due to the fact had my mum not been poorly, we would have spent Christmas in our own flat back in London.

My partner said that he has made his mind up and will be spending Christmas in london with his family as he doesn't want to disapoint his parents. I can't help but feeling very upset and dissapointed as it won't be the same without him (we spent last christmas with his family and the year before my family came to stay with me so he joined us in the evening). Realistically, this will be my mums last christmas so I want to make things as special as I can for her, she also assumed that my partner would be spending christmas with us, given the circumstances.

Am I being unreasonable? Just not sure he understands how much it would mean to my mum and I... it has also made me question our future as I know that if the shoe was on the other foot there would be absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would spend christmas with him and his family and do everything I could. I'm not sure I would be able to forgive him...

thank you in advance

OP posts:

BubbleGumBubble · 30/11/2016 18:17

YANBU.

Given the importance of this Christmas he should be spending it with you and your family.
Thing is if he doesn't I am not sure you will be able to forgive him properly for letting you down.
Yes he has done alot to support you but in a relationship support does not stop just because you have given some already, especially in these cirumstances.

So sorry about your mum OP but this would really make me re-evaluate my relationship.

peppatax · 30/11/2016 18:18

Tough one - I'd be very upset too. Do his parents know about the situation? To be honest he's probably just being a bit thoughtless and sees moving up north as 'enough'. I feel for you OP, in a similar situation as my BF is going back home for Christmas which is overseas and I don't know if he'll ever put me first as we've never spent Christmas together!

JeepersMcoy · 30/11/2016 18:21

No yu are not being unreasonable at all. Have you talked to him about how this may be your last Christmas with your mum and you just really need him there? As you say he may just not have twigged how important it is for you. If after telling him this he still won't spend the day with you I can see why you would question your future together.

My mum died of cancer 2 years ago in January. Usually dh and I would spend Christmas at home together and see family around Christmas, but it was really important to me to spend mums last Christmas with her. In the end we spent the day in the hospice with her. It wasn't fun, but dh came along and was amazing. Last year and this year he has been fine with my dad coming round for Christmas as well because he knows it is Important to me that he is not along around this time. I know it is not his ideal Christmas, but he loves me and does what is needed to support me when life is shit. You need someone like that at these times.

Original poster

bakerupnorth · 30/11/2016 18:24

Thank you... It was a massive shock to us all but there's nothing we can do so just spending as much quality time as we can together and looking on the brightside!

Yes his parents are aware, I actually get on with them very well and always included as part of the family... I'm not sure that they know about the christmas situation however I'm not sure they'd actually disagree with them. Before he moved up his mum and sister basically said to him that he should visit me up north as much as we wanted but that he shouldn't move as he should be close to them as they are his family!

I think you are nail on the head as him seeing moving as 'enough', it has flawed me a bit to the honest as I'd do anything for him

OP posts:

Confutatis · 30/11/2016 18:28

Yes, he doesn't appear to have understood how much it means to you and your mum. I suspect that if his parents knew about the situation they would be happy for him to go north this year. I may be wrong. It sounds like this hasn't been a conversation you have had much of yet, so I suggest you talk about Christmas again. You might find when he's had chance to think about it, he sees it a bit differently.

Confutatis · 30/11/2016 18:30

Sorry, bit of an X post there. Just keep talking to him, I think.

Allalonenow · 30/11/2016 18:30

You and your Mum can still have a very special Christmas without him. Focus on what is best for you and your Mum, favourite foods, memories from your childhood...

That he is going to his parents for Christmas sends you a very clear message about just where you fit in his list of priorities, and it isn't near the top of his list.

If he were in his very early twenties I think it would be more understandable that he would have Christmas with his parents, not yet fully adult, not quite ready to cut the apron strings, still in a child/parent relationship with them etc etc.

But he is in his mid thirties, yet still puts their wishes first.
Or perhaps the "not upsetting his parents" is an excuse for him to get away on his own and paint the town red. Either way it does not bode well for a long term relationship between the two of you.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 30/11/2016 18:33

I can't see anything wrong with you both spending Christmas apart with your own family.
I understand that your mother is very ill (as is mine) but she's your mother, not your partner's. We spent last Christmas with my mother and frankly if DH had been elsewhere, I would have spent more time with my mother. As it was, I was aware that DH was being polite, but he was bored out his tree, so I made sure that the two of us - me and DH - had time together alone.
He's upped sticks and moved North for you.
Let him have Christmas with his family

reallyanotherone · 30/11/2016 18:34

I dunno.

I have sympathy, he has dropped everything and moved away from his family, work, friends, to support you. That's a fairly big deal- did you discuss moving back with him? Or did you just move and he either moved too or you split/had a LDR?

He's with you most of the time. Is one day at christmas to see his own family worth risking the relationship for? I know your mum is terminal, and it is likely her last christmas, but we do not know what the future holds- I didn't know my dads last christmas was his last.

Is it going to be just you and your mum, or does she have other family to spend Christmas with too?

reallyanotherone · 30/11/2016 18:36

That he is going to his parents for Christmas sends you a very clear message about just where you fit in his list of priorities, and it isn't near the top of his list.

This bloke has left his home and family to move with o/p half way across the country. From the sounds of it without much consultation. That sends a huge message about his priorities, and it isn't his family.

He's only asking for one day to spend with his family.

jeaux90 · 30/11/2016 18:39

I would say that he sounds like he has been incredibly supportive so far and maybe he doesn't see how important it is t you. That said maybe there is another thought process for him which is you should spend this very special Christmas just as a family unit, maybe he feels awkward or perhaps he also needs a break from what is a very sad situation. I can see both sides. Big hug xxx

ZoFloMoFo · 30/11/2016 18:39

I don't think he sounds all bad.

You moved up north and he supported you and followed you, leaving behind family, friends, changing job?

I'm assuming he's financially and otherwise supportive whilst you're your mums full time carer.

Wave him off to have Christmas with his family and make the most of this Christmas with your mum.

Riversleep · 30/11/2016 18:43

Yes, I think one day to spend with his family isn't too much to ask, since he has moved north to be with you. He must see your mum a lot. I know it's Christmas day, but as others have said, no one knows what the future holds. Maybe your situation has made him feel he wants to be with his family for Christmas. You are with your mum. That's the most important thing. You have hopefully many other Christmases to spend together.

BertrandRussell · 30/11/2016 18:51

Blimey- isn't moving half way across the country and presumably getting a new job and new friends showing commitment?

OP - if I were you I might find it easier to concentrate properly on my mum without my dp there. And it might be easier for other family members not to have "newcomers" around.....

Allovertheworld16 · 30/11/2016 18:56

If it was me and my mum I would be happy to spend Christmas with her without a partner. In fact I can see lots of advantages.

Let it be you and your family and him and his family. It's only a day. You live together so you have the rest of the year to spend together. I honestly think it's fine. He has shown his commitment to you by moving to your area.

TataEs · 30/11/2016 18:56

i'd be ok with it.
he's just moved away from his family and friends for u. he wants to spend xmas with them. he's a relatively new addition to your christmas celebration. use the time to have a really special time with ur mum. it's not ideal but we have just moved away from my dhs family to be near mine and i think maybe you are not seeing the impact it has had on ur dp? mine has found it incredibly hard, but he is at least free to moan about it. yours can't moan tho due to the circumstances. i'd try and talk to him. but do try and remember that he moved all that way for you, despite discouragement from family. you clearly are the most important thing to him. but his family are allowed to be important too.

Bluntness100 · 30/11/2016 18:58

I'd also say moving for uou like this is a fairly big deal. He probably doesn't see his family so much anymore, and he's done that to support you. It's a major upheaval he's went through. So, I'm not sure either, i can see why you want him there and I can see why he would think a day with his family isn't too much to ask for. I know it's Christmas but there has to be concessions on both sides, right now he seems to have made most of them.

BarbarianMum · 30/11/2016 19:00

I also think you are being unreasonable - understandably so but unreasonable nonetheless. He's shown you how important you are to him but his family is too.

piglover · 30/11/2016 19:00

My partner and I almost always spend Xmas apart (we live in US but I am British and an only child of an increasingly unwell and lonely mum.) It's not the end of the world and we make up for it at the new year and have our own Xmas fun a bit later. It's just one day. Like other posters I agree that he's made quite a commitment to you already and I think you should let him take on his own family obligations.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 30/11/2016 19:05

YANBU to want him to spend Xmas with you and your Mum but I think YABU if you make this a deal breaker issue assuming there are no other problems in your relationship

I agree with the posters who point out that the fact he has followed you up North as being a pretty good indication that he is committed to your relationship

I hope you and your Mum can enjoy a really special Xmas together

lazydog · 30/11/2016 19:17

It sounds fine to me. I don't see any issue with you spending Christmas day at your respective families. I'm really sorry about your mum, but she is your mum, not his, and I assume he sees a lot of her the rest of the year, since your move? He has shown huge commitment to you already in his actions so far. I can see why you feel hurt, especially as you spent last Christmas with his family, but I really don't think that where he chooses to spend one day of the year should be a big enough deal for you to conclude "I'm not sure I would be able to forgive him..."

fluffiphlox · 30/11/2016 19:24

I think I'd be fine with that, given what he has already given up. It's only a couple of days. I think we blow Christmas up to be this big deal but it isn't really. Let him have his time with his family.

SheldonCRules · 30/11/2016 19:25

After just three years of dating, he left his home town and family to be with you when you needed him. Let him have one day with his own family.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/11/2016 19:27

This is a year it suits you to be apart for Christmas.

The bottom line is: you need to be with your mum. He's done a hell of a lot to support you by following you and now woukd like to be with his family for a few days.

BubbleGumBubble · 30/11/2016 19:32

Hes moved a few 100 miles not to another country

Sadly next Christmas and the following Christmases they will be probably be able to spend with his mum but this one Christmas is the last one for the OP to spend with her mum.
I dont think she is asking alot.

Plus, yes he moved up north but given that is because OPs mum has a terminal illness it is not a forever move, they can move wherever they like.

I think given that he moved aaaalllll this way OP and he is now digging his heels in over a few days at Christmas is very telling in how he views you and the relationship. Sorry

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