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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

partner reluctant to spend christmas with my family, advice needed please!

36 replies

bakerupnorth · 30/11/2016 18:12

So, bit of a back story here which may help put my situation in context... I've been with my partner for three years, we met in London (where he is from). I'm now 24 and my partner is 33. We moved into our first home January this year but had been living together for a while before that... we have spoken about marriage and kids and that is what we both and are saving towards a house at the moment.

In April this year my mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given approx. one year to live... i immediately moved back up north and my partner followed in September. He has been so supportive of my decision to move back up here as I am now my mums full time carer. His family all live in London and every time we've spoken about Christmas we just end up disagreeing. I assumed (wrongly, perhaps) that he would be spending Christmas up here with my family and I, due to the fact had my mum not been poorly, we would have spent Christmas in our own flat back in London.

My partner said that he has made his mind up and will be spending Christmas in london with his family as he doesn't want to disapoint his parents. I can't help but feeling very upset and dissapointed as it won't be the same without him (we spent last christmas with his family and the year before my family came to stay with me so he joined us in the evening). Realistically, this will be my mums last christmas so I want to make things as special as I can for her, she also assumed that my partner would be spending christmas with us, given the circumstances.

Am I being unreasonable? Just not sure he understands how much it would mean to my mum and I... it has also made me question our future as I know that if the shoe was on the other foot there would be absolutely no doubt in my mind that I would spend christmas with him and his family and do everything I could. I'm not sure I would be able to forgive him...

thank you in advance

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/11/2016 19:56

A few hundred miles might as well be to another country. Ridiculous comment Bubble If I moved a few hundred miles south I'd be well into speaking a different language.

BubbleGumBubble · 30/11/2016 19:58

It is not a stupid comment.
If you moved from London to leeds for example you can get back to London in a few hours. No need for plane/passport ect.

However If I moved a few hundred miles south I'd be well into speaking a different language. is a stupid comment

happypoobum · 30/11/2016 20:03

I am not sure about this. I had to say goodbye to my aunt (who was like a mother to me, I have NC with bio mother) last Christmas and it was incredibly painful. She was admitted to hospital in the new year and died later in January.

I had absolutely no time at all for my boyfriend during this period. He lives in London and he totally understood that she was my priority. Does it really make that much difference to you that he is there for Christmas? In some ways wouldn't it be easier if it was just "immediate family" so you can just be easy, reminisce, be upset if you need to?

So sorry you are going through this.

peppatax · 30/11/2016 20:08

OP - I wouldn't write the relationship off based on this situation. Had he still been living in London then yes I would say his priorities are clear but this is a situation that just requires a little more discussion to resolve. Like other posters say, you being with your mum and focusing on that is the most important thing.

nooka · 30/11/2016 20:30

I wonder whether he feels that it will just be too emotionally difficult? Not good that you haven't been able to talk about Christmas together, and neither of you should have made assumptions really. Understandable in the circumstances but I do think that if your partner has moved to be with you and support you, away from his friends and family that is a pretty massive commitment he has already made.

Try to talk to him about how you are both feeling.

DiegeticMuch · 30/11/2016 22:58

I'm sorry about the terminal diagnosis.

Focus on your Mum. She's the priority for the time being. You've plenty of Christmases ahead with your partner, when the circumstances will be less stressful.

DonaldTrumpsWig · 30/11/2016 23:15

It's totally understandable that you want to spend time with your mother for what may be her last Christmas. But he's not her son, so i don't see why having him there as well would be particularly special to her. He seems to have been very supportive so far, so spending Christmas with his own parents who he presumably sees a lot less of now, doesn't seem that unreasonable.

CatBallou2 · 30/11/2016 23:56

I think that your DP should spend Xmas with you and your DM. If this is going to be her last Xmas with you, her DD, then this is going to be a very emotional time for you and your DP should be there to support you.

If it were me facing this, I would be very sad that my DP would choose not to be with me at such a difficult time. Also, your DM would like him to be with you both. You've been together for 3 years, not an insignificant amount of time to expect such a commitment.

If your DP goes to his family after all, try not to spend your time fretting about it. Put it to the back of your mind, focus on your family Xmas and deal with the situation after Xmas.

I don't think he's being kind to you.

I'm very sorry that your DM is so unwell.

Atenco · 01/12/2016 02:56

You say you would do anything for him but you won't accept that he'd like to see his family, so that is a bit of a contradiction.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother, but every relationship is give and take and you should also understand that he misses his family.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 01/12/2016 03:21

I agree with CatBallou. He should want to do what he can to support you through this really, really difficult time. You want him there, he should be there. Your Mum wants him there, he should be there. He can spend other Christmases with his family, sadly that likely won't be the case with your Mum 💐

He can spend any other day/weekend with his family. He's moved 'up north', not to another planet.

However, I wouldn't say another word about it. I'd let him get on with it, focus totally on making it the best time it can be for your Mum, because for me, the damage has been done. There wouldn't be any point (for me) in trying to talk him into it because I'd know it wasn't coming from him.

You're far too young to be losing your Mum 💐 and he's old enough to know better than abandoning you like this.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 01/12/2016 04:28

If he moved north willingly, and is otherwise a caring committed partner, I would probably view this as an idiosyncrasy and ignore it. He clearly is committed to have moved with you.

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