Can I ask when you felt ready to leave?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

It's incredibly hard to explain but I'm sensing, almost, that my marriage is over, dying. Not dead yet.

I've tried, before, to end it and it hasn't worked because of a myriad of reasons but now I actually feel it might be the right time.

Can anybody offer any insight? I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense ...

Do you know the reasons you didn't leave before? Not necessarily to explain here but in your heart. If you do, can you think forward a few steps and overcome those obstacles?

I left when I woke up one morning knowing if I had to wake up there again the next day I'd be so miserable and broken I'd never put myself back together.

People leave for all sorts of reasons. If you're not happy and this isn't the life you want, then you need to go and be happy somewhere else.

Fear, I think. Not just of being alone or any of the more wimpy reasons but 'have I done the right thing' fear and fear of the unknown I suppose.

I feel in some ways he can get inside of my head, and he will say things and there's a 'MN' response that I know is correct but also a response he's drilled into me that I feel - and what I feel ends up being more important.

I didn't leave, I made him leave.
I knew that I simply couldn't cope with him in the house a moment longer. It was as though there was no other option. I'd reached my limit, and it was 100% crystal clear to me that he had to go. He was gone within the hour, and the sheer relief was amazing,

Fear, yep.

I spent months before I left killing myself with worry about how to pay the mortgage and afford somewhere for me to rent, what people would think when they realised what a sham it all was, that no one would believe me what he was really like, money, money and more money, living alone for the first time, hell, even if he'd be able to manage his awful family without me, and then how angry he'd be and what he might do, whether I'd be alone forever - I barely slept for weeks.

Bits of it were shit, I'm not going to lie, he turned into way more of an arsehole after I left and money was an issue and I was stressed and sad and things were difficult of a while.

But that first night I stayed on a friend's sofa, slept soundly and dreamlessly for hours and hours, and I woke up knowing I'd done the right thing. It was like being set free. That feeling, the liberation, has never gone and I wish I'd left before but you know when you know and if this is the time for you then know that you'll be fine, all obstacles can be overcome.

Finally (sorry this is so long!) you don't have to be beside yourself in misery to know your marriage doesn't make you happy! It's not a competition.

I don't feel any sense of relief when he's gone, so perhaps it's not as bad as I think.

Fear and uncertainty can stop you feeling relieved.

You won't necessarily get that feeling until after he's permanently gone.

When I realised my daughter was getting the same treatment I had been getting. She is a teenager and I should have left when she was a toddler.

Also I knew he simply wasn't going to change and that, actually, I didn't have the right to expect him to change. the only thing i could change was myself. that meant not accepting it any longer and leaving. It was the only possible choice.

Pretty much three years of emotional abuse I stayed.. but he couldn't be bothered to see his daughter in intensive care and that was it immediately

I don't feel I'm ready.

I'm reading these posts and can't identify at all. Thank you for sharing.

OP, I don't mean to sound flippant, because I know how life changing this is, so please take the following in the spirit it is intended:

When the time is right, you won't need to ask a bunch of strangers on here. Your gut will be screaming "get out now" so loudly that a pack of wild horses couldn't force you to stay. People might think you're mad, but you will feel 100% certain that this is your only option, and couldn't care less what others think.

I kept a journal and realised I had been unhappy for 4 years. Sure there had been happy time in that period but the general trend was downwards.
We had tried counselling but that seemed to make it worse.

If you can communicate and have compassion for each other then there is something worth fighting for. You don't say what the issues were but sometimes it's recommended to practice kindness towards your partner for a fixed period 1-2 weeks and see if that changes the dynamic towards something positive.

Ending a marriage is awful so you will want to know you have done everything possible before leaving.

Cary you see I just don't think that applies to me, I'm sure most people would have left with their gut screaming but I don't. I seem to be different.

OP, could it be that you are so dead inside that you don't feel very much?

Possibly. Very possible.

Then as Hermione suggests, see if you can fix things? She's right it's a huge decision, I only ended mine because I was broken, had tried everything and had no fight left. Crucially, I realised that it takes two to want a marriage to work, and I couldn't save it on my own.

Therein lies the rub: you can't fix this on your own, your OP talks about you wanting to fix it, what does he want? Will he recognise the problems and work with you?

I've not said that?

Thanks, After. Sometimes I feel I should shut up and accept my lot other times I feel it's wrong. So confused!

I'd been miserable for 21 of 22 years.
He had severe mental illness so guilt kept me there.
One evening I knew not one more minute could I stand.
He was at his father's house.
I phoned my mum and told her I was leaving him.
I told my 18 year old son who lived at home.
I told husband when he arrived home, he didn't believe me even though we'd had many conversations.
I then phoned his father and told him.

Next morning I phoned his social worker and told her and asked her to come to the house to help him understand I was serious.
I phoned his father to come to the meeting as support for husband.
My son was also there.

After the very emotional meeting he left to stay with his father.
Next day the house went onto the market and was sold in a week. My son and I moved into a much smaller house and shared an old run about car. I went from working part time to full time for the same employer.

The exact moment of realisation was when I didn't care what the future held financially, or if I sat on orange boxes. It would still be better and I'd eventually get sorted.

Note ---- My husband left and stayed with his father.

I didn't feel 'ready'. I just knew I was sinking, that nothing was ever going to get any better and I couldn't stand it any more. The certainty that it was the right thing only came later.

I wish I didn't feel so confused and jumbled up. Sometimes it's just easier for me to not think about it.

Can you imagine yourself being happy OP? Writing in your diary that things look brighter and better?

Are there things you could do if you left that you can't do now?

At the most basic level, are there currently more good or bad bits to being in your marriage? You can decide to stay, decide to put the decision off until a specified time, or plan your exit.

Not having anyone tell you what to do can feel shit, but it's only you and your happiness and your life that matters. Embracing that is an opportunity as much as it can be scary.

No ... I suppose mostly I would be more restricted, less free.

Sometimes I get these silly thoughts about leaving but they are silly. I'm sorry, I've wasted everyone's time