Can I ask when you felt ready to leave?

[burgundyandgoldleaves]

It's incredibly hard to explain but I'm sensing, almost, that my marriage is over, dying. Not dead yet.

I've tried, before, to end it and it hasn't worked because of a myriad of reasons but now I actually feel it might be the right time.

Can anybody offer any insight? I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense ...

When I knew I only had one life and didn't want to waste any more of my precious years on someone who did not make me happy.

Grab life with both hands .

I don't think I could After

I just don't know any more. Like I say I know if I told you all what he's done you'd be horrified I'm still here, yet I still feel I need him.

He'd had an affair. We were 'working on it' which in reality meant I was told I wasn't allowed to discuss it ever again (!) I ran around like a headless chicken trying to make him love me. We'd been together for twenty years. He walked around with a smug look on his face and did actually preen once that he'd obviously 'still got it' meaning he was still attractive to other women. OMG the shame looking back in the days before Mumsnet or even the internet really. There were no forums to ask for advise, no one understood in real life. I was a wreck and one morning I just 'knew' I couldn't submit myself to the torture anymore. I loved the man with every breath I had and yet I told him to go, that I was worth more than this. He left in minutes, after 20 years, turned out straight into the bed of the OW! Life wasn't easy but I could hold my head up again and that was worth so much

I can never work out if it's benefiting them or not. Probably not but the truth is I don't think either of us are particularly good people or parents - I don't think the children would magically be fine with just me.

When I realised that I was so sick of his paranoid bullshit that I'd stopped caring. It took me another year to leave, though, because there was so much financial mess to untangle.

I didn't feel 'ready' and was so terrified I was literally shaking. but I did it anyway and its absolutely the best thing I ever did in my entire life

I had years of feeling a bit like you, like deep down I knew I wanted out, but it just felt too big to do anything about it, so I just carried on. The last 6 months though, have been a crescendo of my feelings building up and up and up until the point I physically could not do it any more. My eyes opened and I finally saw him for the controlling and emotionally unavailable man he was. I found a strength I never thought I had to tell him I wanted to separate. I have a battle on my hands now to actually get him to leave but that's another story..