sad, mad and had enough

[user1480503597]

I've turned to this forum as sadly in real life don't feel like I have anyone to share my problems with and have been having difficulties in general life and my relationship. Don't want to rant so I'll try and keep it brief! Married 4 kids recently lost my brother, which I am struggling with as it was only 5 month ago, but coping in my own way. Recently started University worked my butt off at college for a year to gain a place at uni. I've always wanted to get back into education and follow my passion but due to situations and relationships haven't had the opportunity, now I have finally done it :) Happy with myself kids are doing great, however my realtionship with my husband is crap. I have really learned alot about myself and what I want out of life in the last few years and have more self confidence and direction than I have ever had. Husband however has no motivation, goals or dreams and I really feel that he is holding me back.
He has no conversation in him and only seems interested in having sex with me, not what I have to say. He has all theses big plans of a new house, car, holidays but is on the verge of getting sacked from his job, minimum wage he hates it and has no plans to find another or improve his employ ability. He is no help what so ever around the house, often waiting for me to return from late lectures to prepare tea, I do pretty much everything house and child related, as well as trying to study, I've recently had to quit my part time job, as it was too much, but don't feel like I can rely on him financially or in any other way to be honest. Sorry that was a long rant he says I'm selfish and should make more time for him, but in all honesty, although we do spend time together, he bores me and is only interested in getting me into bed

Do you still love him or do you feel that this relationship has run its course? How old are the children?

He sounds awful. It must be awful for you to be so busy and then treated as domestic woman-of-all-work and sex object by the man who's supposed to cherish you. Can I ask, were you quite young when you got together? It sounds like you've simply outgrown him.

Very sorry for the loss of your brother.

Time to have a conversation with him about him not meeting your needs. You are allowed to evolve within your relationship but you can't always make others evolve in the same way. Communicate your needs clearly. Tell him it's important to him. Ask him why he doesn't consider going to university too in order to enhance his prospects and his life in general. Ask him what he wants from the relationship. You could have an amazing journey together. Or you could have amazing journey to different places, apart.

Well done to you for getting to university. I hope you enjoy it and all the rewards it will bring afterwards.

I'm also very sorry about your brother.

I do still love him, however the respect I once had for him is rapidly going down hill. My children are 14, 10, 6 and 3.
Thank you FetchezLaIVache I am constantly tired trying to fit everything in, and often stay up until the early hours studying. I have asked him (and told him) repeatedly for more help around the house, nothing major just general tidying up, pots, starting the tea if I'm in lectures late but to no avail. He moans then does it for a few days then it slips again and I really don't want to turn into a nagging wife or sound like his mother, which unfortunately I am starting to. We was young when we got together and I was in a different place the, after recently splitting from my emotionally abusive ex husband.

Thank you StiffenedPleat. We have had several conversations in which I have poured my heart out, not one of the easiest things for me to do, and feel like he just dismisses my feelings and needs. He is not in a position to go to university, I do however encourage him to look at college courses or to go find things that interest him, his response however is that he hasn't got the time what with me studying He says he is happy in the relationship but would like more sex and me to be a bit more organised in regards to washing ironing etc

Charming, he sees you as a domestic appliance, oh and a sex slave, no wonder you have no respect for him, you'd be better off going it alone OP, he's dragging you down and I would stop you nagging, you nag because you are unhappy, and I can see why.

I think that is exactly what he sees me as, I just stupidly thought better of him.

'More sex and a bit more organised in regards to washing, ironing etc'. Tell him to write a letter to Santa - and to post it as he jogs off out of your life.

This sounds like me, I met ex when I was 21 we both were the same level as I got older I wanted more from life and did a degree through OU while also still working and bringing up our DD, I then got a better paid job. I think it grieved ex that I was doing better than him and earned more. He wouldn't do anything round the house and just wanted me in bed, I was shattered from it all and it all seemed like groundhog day, he didn't listen either and belittled me.
I left him!

zznotxy- think I may have to use that one!!

That's what it feels like groundhog day, I just seem to be going round and round in circles asking him for the same help. I also want more from my life and I am loving my studying I feel like I'm achieving something for myself as well as getting a better future for my children. Stupid thing is I have been in a similar situation before with my ex husband I worked hard got a better job than him he hated it, he belittled me, I left him. The thing is with my husband is that he says all the right in that he will support me, help me out more etc his actions however are very different.
He shows no interest in what I am studying and when I try and talk to him about it he tells me to get to the point then I just feel stupid for trying to have a conversation with him.
I've been through a hell of a lot this past year with losing my brother and I really did expect more from him.

sorry that was a bit of a jumbled mess

I use to teach an Access course...we called it the ''divorce course' . Uoi have gone through a life changing experience....a secure man/relationship would embrace it...sadly he's not on the same page. Did he support the idea or has he suddenly been off with you?

And very sorry about your brother x

He isn't the man you thought he was, and that is hard to accept.

He seems to want to 'keep you in your place' I wonder if he resents your studying, and is trying to undermine you. He certainly isn't proud of what you're doing, if he was he'd pull his weight at home to enable you to study more and he'd show an interest.

Could he feel threatened? It's crazy but my ex whilst wanting me to work after the kids started school, only wanted me to do menial little jobs that didn't impact on him. He couldn't care less whether I enjoyed them or not. When I bit the bullet, did an OU course then teacher training he never praised me, although he like the higher salary. He did less and less at home making me juggling teaching and house and three kids very difficult. He too cut me dead when I tried to talk about studying then work. Looking back I think he resented me making new friendships and broadening my horizons.

I have no advice except to focus on what makes you happy. Refuse to let him drag you down. He hasn't got your best or even your joint interests at heart, just his own, so I'd think very carefully whether you can carry on with this.

Good luck.

I've heard that before 'divorce course' he did support the idea of me studying and encouraged me at first but I don't think he fully expected how much work it would me and how much it would have to involve him pulling his weight, we are definitely not on the same page. Thankyou onanotherday x

Thank you Cary2012 Its is hard to accept he supported my to apply and at that start then it all went down hill quite fast. I think deep down he does feel threatened and would much prefer me at home cleaning and cooking although he won't admit this. I also think he resents the fact that I have something else to focus on that takes up my time.

and well done to you for achieving what you did with an un-supportive husband, if you don't mind me asking are you still together?

"He says he is happy in the relationship but would like more sex and me to be a bit more organised in regards to washing ironing etc"

Bloody hell op. Read what you've put there. And ask yourself if it's 2016 or 1952.

Also ask yourself exactly what it is he's bringing to the party. Not a lot would be my guess.

Maybe he worries you're going to get above yourself and start demanding a partnership of equals?

I often said to my ex - 'ok then I'll give up my (better paid) job and be a full time mom and a sl*t in bed, but you will have to get a better paid job'
he soon used to change his mind

I know that is something I often say to him it is not the 1950's his family are very old fashioned and believe that a women should stay at home. He isn't bringing anything to the party except more stress that I really don't need. He's like having another child and a really needy one at that.
He does worry about that StiffenedPleat, a partnership of equals, I don't know how I dare even suggest this!
I've said to him ok I'll quit my studying if you want the house immaculate and you not lift a finger, and also a sl*t in bed, but you will have to find a better paid job if you want a better future for the kids. Soon shuts him up, he helps out more for a few days then reverts back

What's your residency status? Do you own or rent? Whose name on the paperwork?

Yes, I think he's threatened, resentful and even a bit jealous that you are branching out in areas that don't involve him. If so, he must be quite insecure. What he doesn't seem to realise is that a more fulfilled you makes for a happier home for you all.

I think he's very old fashioned as other PPs have suggested, and he thinks him and home should be enough for you. He is kicking against your ambition and drive because he's scared where it might leave and also flags up his lack of drive and ambition in himself.

I think you've outgrown him, he knows this so is trying to put you back in his dutiful little wife box.

It is mentally draining and physically exhausting living with a man child like this. Your comment about feeling like you have an extra child really resonated with me, because that's exactly how I felt.

Please don't give up your studies, you need something for you. Don't let him define you or stifle you, if you do you will resent him.

Basically he needs to accept that you're entitled to a life outside the home that is fulfilling and rewarding. He needs to pull his weight accordingly, long term. If he can't or won't then you need to realise what that says about him, and whether you can live like this. I couldn't, it wore me down too much.

I rent and everything is in my name