Coping techniques for controlling ex over Christmas?

[Frequency]

It's been the same for the last six years. I cannot and will not go through another December of constant harassment.

DC1 has a birthday a week before Christmas and we also have DC2.

He won't chose his own presents. He tortures me to pick them for him. What I pick is never, ever good enough. Weeks are spent with him emailing, calling and texting constantly. Hour upon hour is spent on the phone trying to ensure he actually finds something the children will enjoy.

DC2 is easy enough, she tells him what she wants, when it's not the right thing she provides him with more ideas. DC1 refuses to engage.

I keep my phone off and ignore emails apart from when he has DC2, such as last night.

Three fucking hours he spent last night calling me constantly about a present I am buying DC2. I waste money, I don't know how to find deals, it is utterly, utterly wrong to buy a 10 year old a second hand gift etc.

This morning he rings me at school run time. Obviously I have to answer, he has DC2. Do I want to buy an iphone for DC1 off some random dude on Facebook? He hasn't specified memory capacity, it has no charger so cannot be seen working, it's locked to a different network that DC1 uses and the camera is fuzzy i.e it's water damaged.

I am the devil incarnate for telling him to stop harassing me. He's only trying to make Christmas special for them and as usual I am being a bitch about it and deliberately trying to ruin his festive vibe.

If I disengage totally, DC1 will end up with something she hates for her birthday and Xmas. I'd rather that not happen, but I need to not kill him or cause him serious, physical damage. I also cannot disengage when he has DC2 in his posession, can I?

How old are these children?

Why does it matter to you if he gives them shite presents?

10 and 15.

And because I am skint, utterly and totally.

There are things DC1 wants and needs that he can afford for her and I can't. Day to day our lives are shitty with few luxuries. I can't afford to give them what they want for x-mas he can.

That's hard then, but surely, a 15 year old is old enough to either engage, or accept that gifts will be shite? If she doesn't think it's worth engaging with him to get the goodies, then she should be learning to do without the goodies, surely?

I think she's just taken it for granted that I will deal with him on her behalf. She was only 9 when we split, so it's something I've always done.

He choses to harass me when he has DC2 because he knows I will answer his calls, whereas other days I usually don't.

I would pre-empt all this bollocks and send him a list via email with maybe links to where he can buy stuff.

Or get the kids to do an Amazon wish list.

This would drive me mental.

And sorry but the 15 year old needs to deal with this and actually communicate what she wants. We are having this issue with my dp's 13 year old where she won't tell us what she wants, won't talk to us and neither will his ex. I expect snide comments when we don't get the 'right' presents but it's hard when you don't know what they want or need!

So, get them online. Get them to do an Amazon wishlist. Send it via email to your ex and tell him that's what they want and you are not discussing it further. He can email what he's bought to let you know.

You need to stop facilitating this for your own sanity's sake. Tell the 15 year old that if they want the goodies they need to talk to him or email- or go without.
Failing that save all year like I do with Park and buy your own stuff.

Its all unnecessary.

DC1 is the same. He takes it as personal insult but she's the same with everyone.

She won't even tell me what she wants I have to guess. The entire family relies on me to tell them what she wants and when I ask her she shrugs, cries or sends me links to tops from America with innappropriate slogans, depending what mood she is in.

Maybe it's their age. It's a teenagers job to akward afterall.

Wish list is a good idea.

One email, with links and then ignore, ignore, ignore.

I can cope with that.

Can I really just not answer my phone when he has DC2? I am very tempted to do just that. The call is 99.99% likely to be about how wrong the gift list is.

For a 13yo I would go with Lush bathbombs, decent make-up and itunes vouchers. Can't go wrong with that depending what side of the bed they fall out of on Christmas day

Sorry but if one of mine refused to say what they wanted then I would just get a few bits from the shops they like and leave it there......
At 15 they can handle this.
My youngest just sends me links. The other two I know roughly what they like and keep gift receipts.
Otherwise he will always have you over a barrel!!

I don't think it's malicious refusal. She genuinely doesn't know what to ask for and what she does want she feels cheeky asking for.

My aunt messaged her a few days ago. She really wanted Smashbox makeup from her but felt it was too expensive to ask for, so ignored the message.

I know she wanted it because she told me a few days before "I hope X gets me the same as last year."

Then she needs to say ' I really liked the smashbox stuff you bought me last year so something along those lines'.
Look I am not having a pop. My youngest is the same.... King of the one word answers and few texts. So I just say to him to send me links when he can.... they normally accumulate.
The knobhead ex I would ignore. If he moans then just say ONCE that she will send him a list. Then leaves it. Its not your responsibility.

Have a heart to heart with your DC1 about the fact you do not know what to get for her and she needs to help by writing a wish list - she can but inexpensive and pricier things on it. No-one will be offended. Be truthful - if she doesn't write it then she could end up with nothing or things she really doesn't want.

Take off anything you are going to buy for her and as the others have said email it out and then ignore, ignore, ignore...

I agree, talk honestly with DC1.

I did it last week with my 15 yo, explained (without speaking badly of his dad) why I need to put boundaries in place. I explained things from my POV and he got it.

XH has the DCs one at a time too - which results in him being around more than I want him to be. I've had to put a stop to it. But when I put boundaries up, he doesn't like it because it's an inconvenience to him and he will actually have to think for himself and make an effort, rather than relying on me to do it all for him. I get the 'it's best for he children if I'm here every day'. Er, no. It's best for the children to not witness their DF being a knob to their DM.

You have to shut the opportunities down. Tell him to sort his own presents out, explain to the DCs they can do a wish list on Amazon, but their dad needs to know.

And if they get stuff they don't want, so what? They either make the effort and take it back and change it.

Stop answering the ohone to him, tell him to text you if it's an emergency .

Then ignore everything that's not an emergency .

I assume your kids ( or at least the older one ) have their own phones when they are their dads so they can contact you

Epic Ex problems aside (I can't offer any help here) I have a 15 year old DD and can sympathise with the vagueness. At 15 this is probably the time to start suggesting Amazon vouchers. Your DD then can collect them to buy something expensive if she wants without feeling guilty about the price.

My ex does this too. He's only got my son to buy for ( he's 10) and I get bombarded with calls about his xmas and birthday presents. What he's actually doing is fishing to find out what I'm buying him so that he can top it and spend more in an effort to make me look small. I've got him sussed now and I'm deliberately vague & ignore most of his calls, when I do answer I tell him to get whatever he wants to get him and I'll do the same. Truth is I'm skint too & worried about xmas, but I'd rather shit in my hands and clap than tell him anything. It's all show, he doesn't really bother with DS the rest of the year and DS knows this.

Your kids need to write Christmas lists. My family all do this, even my dad. OK my dads list has two items on it one of which is whiskey.

When I was a kid, if I'd had relatives itching to spend money on me I'd have happily performed my list in the medium of dance if I thought it would serve my own ends.

Exploit their natural, God given selfishness. Hand them paper and a pen and ask them to write down what they want, with the clear caveat that if they don't specify, they will be given pyjamas and a random dvd.

Good idea Morris but unfortunately my son goes through agonies trying to tell his dad what he wants because he's made to feel guilty. One minute he said he'd get him an Xbox one, then said he couldn't afford it. DS made a list, I sent him a screen shot of it, and I've told DS not to get too worried if his dad doesn't get it. Like I said, with him it's all show. He likes to tell everyone he's bought him the most expensive shiny electronic thing so he looks like dad of the year. I try to ignore it.

It's not that I don't know what she would like. I do, despite her vaugeness she's pretty predictable. It gets a bit stressful with family texting me for ideas. By the time I've given them ideas, I've run out of things to buy her!

With ex it's that anything I tell him is wrong.

Our emails are literally:

Arsehole: What does DC want for her birthday
Me: Doom, the game [link here]
Arsehole: No, she will be 15. 15 year old girls do not play games like that.
Me: Well, yours does but whatever, what about this? [link to hoody]
Arsehole: She's a 15yo girl. She should be shopping in NewLook
Me: She's 'emo' she'd rather eat her own toe-nails than shop in NewLook. What about [link to nice smellies]
Arsehole: I'm not spending that much on bathbombs. I'll get some from Poundland. What can I get her for her present? You haven't given me any ideas. Why are you trying to spoil it for her?

And on. And on. And on. And on. FOR WEEKS every fucking year.

I think the email a list and ignore will work best.

Now I just have to work out what to do about taking his calls when he has DC2? I assume if it was an actual emergency, he'd leave a voicemail, so I'm leaning towards not taking his calls.

Your ex sounds like a prize dick. I think given the ages of your kids, I'd publish and be damned so to speak. There's only a few years left before they go 'er dad, you're a wanker' if they haven't already.

My sister has a similar ex, no present was too big, stolen or inappropriate for him to rock up with. He soon ran out of steam when my niece grew old enough to answer back and be awkward instead of an adorable moppet he could buy off with crap chocolate and age inappropriate TV etc.

You have my sympathies.

You are over-engaging.

Firstly, sort your pressies to DCs out. Secondly, draw up a list and give to him. Thirdly, vouchers/cash if family can't come up with anything.

If it's XPs family asking you what the DCs would like, point them in the direction of XP, who has The List, and he can sort that one.

In a general sense, I also deeply sympathise with all the yearly exchanges from loving grandparents :

LG: 'what does the young master want for Christmas this year?'
Me: 'he'd love x game, x book and x pyjamas'
LG: 'really? That's what he wants? Really? I was thinking of x thing he doesn't want'
Me: deep sigh.

My family are pretty good actually. They accept that she's a bit odd and buy what I suggest even if they don't always understand it. Ex-SIL gets her New Look vouchers which she sells to DC2 or one of her friends for cash to put in my bank and spend on Grindstore.

I've sent the email, switched my phone to silent and logged of that email. It's one I set up specifically to communicate with him. I will check it once a day as normal and reply only to important things not relating to gifts.

If he ends up buying her tat that gets re-gifted to her mates, that's his problem. It means she'll miss out on a few things she would actually enjoy he could've gotten her, but that's her problem. She could argue her own case with him if she wanted to.

I'd do a list and send it round asking people to tell you what they intend to buy. Tell them that she'd appreciate vouchers too as there are things year round that she likes to buy. Tell them that the list is comprehensive and you don't know of other stuff so their guess is as good as yours so no point discussing with you.

How about something like this instead:

X: What does DC want for her birthday?
Y: I have no idea. Ask her yourself.
X: Why won't you ask her?
Y: Why won't you?
X: Why are you being so mean / nasty / horrible to me?
Y: I'm not.
X: You are spoiling their Christmas!
Y: No, I'm not.

Your ex's opinion of you does not matter, so you don't need to do stuff to win him over. He can think you are a bitch if he likes. Sounds like he thinks you are a bitch when you aren't one anyway, so what difference does it make?

I like ravenmum's idea - ball back in his court. He has a tongue in his head, DC1 had a tongue in her head. It's not your job to facilitate his arse-hole-ness although I do sympathise that DC1 is likely to end up with something she doesn't want but she does need to learn to communicate what she wants. (She MUST know - 15 year old girls just do!)

Gift vouchers are the way forward otherwise.