Coping techniques for controlling ex over Christmas?

[Frequency]

It's been the same for the last six years. I cannot and will not go through another December of constant harassment.

DC1 has a birthday a week before Christmas and we also have DC2.

He won't chose his own presents. He tortures me to pick them for him. What I pick is never, ever good enough. Weeks are spent with him emailing, calling and texting constantly. Hour upon hour is spent on the phone trying to ensure he actually finds something the children will enjoy.

DC2 is easy enough, she tells him what she wants, when it's not the right thing she provides him with more ideas. DC1 refuses to engage.

I keep my phone off and ignore emails apart from when he has DC2, such as last night.

Three fucking hours he spent last night calling me constantly about a present I am buying DC2. I waste money, I don't know how to find deals, it is utterly, utterly wrong to buy a 10 year old a second hand gift etc.

This morning he rings me at school run time. Obviously I have to answer, he has DC2. Do I want to buy an iphone for DC1 off some random dude on Facebook? He hasn't specified memory capacity, it has no charger so cannot be seen working, it's locked to a different network that DC1 uses and the camera is fuzzy i.e it's water damaged.

I am the devil incarnate for telling him to stop harassing me. He's only trying to make Christmas special for them and as usual I am being a bitch about it and deliberately trying to ruin his festive vibe.

If I disengage totally, DC1 will end up with something she hates for her birthday and Xmas. I'd rather that not happen, but I need to not kill him or cause him serious, physical damage. I also cannot disengage when he has DC2 in his posession, can I?

I suggested vouchers and/or cold, hard cash but she needs something to open or she'll feel like she's got nothing

I've sent the email now and ended it with;

"This is DC1's list. It's the list of things she wants that no-one else is buying. If you need more info please contact DC1. I will not be communicating on this matter further."

I think she does know in so far as she asks for things year round but when confronted a with relative actually asking to spend money on her, her mind goes blank. She's always been this way.

He says she needs something to open, btw. Not DC, she loves cold, hard cash and would never be so ungrateful as to call any gift 'nothing'. Even things she doesn't like are appreciated. It means friends birthdays will be cheaper, so she gets to save more of her cold, hard cash

Raven mum have you been eavesdropping at my house? That is EXACTLY how it goes!

I think you need to stop engaging as his personal shopper/problem solver and push it back to him

Arsehole: What does DC want for her birthday
Me: Doom, the game [link here]
Arsehole: No, she will be 15. 15 year old girls do not play games like that
You: oh well that what she wants but it's up to you - hope you find her something_

Ok OP I think you have been conditioned to just accept this, but here is how that scenario would play out in my life.

Arsehole: What does DC want for her birthday
Me: Doom, the game [link here]
Arsehole: No, she will be 15. 15 year old girls do not play games like that.
Me: Radio Silence.

You have to stop engaging. If he has DC2 and something goes horribly wrong (unlikely) and he couldn't contact you, surely he would contact your parents, DC1? If you feel you have to answer, as soon as you realise its' more shit, just tell him you aren't engaging, Goodbye.

You have to be incredibly firm/rude with abusive fuckers like this. Good luck

Sorry, almost x post with Lunde

I have a controlling ex too. He's currently refusing to tell me when he's having the dcs over christmas . he tries to give me money to buy them presents from him. I refuse. he didn't get anything for dd4's birthday at all. (git).

Anyway, the answer I think is to stop engaging. Tell him to communicate through email only from now on. If he asks you what they want for Christmas, just say you don't know.

He's an adult, he can speak to your dcs or get them vouchers.

My kids haven't had gifts from ex for last 4 years because I relinquished the responsibility back to him. Of course it was all ENTIRELY MY FAULT that the kids felt like shit for not getting anything from him, but even at 6 and 9 they know how shops work, and they can tell him what they want if he ever asked of course...

It angers me so much that these 'men' get away with being such shite fathers. If a woman behaved this way she'd be hung out to dry, but it's somehow acceptable for a man

He's tried to call me a few times and he's text me to tell me he's emailed me back. After I ignored him he turned his attentions to DC.

She's just messaged me

• He keeps telling me I don't want things I am saying I want?!?!?! WTF?!?!? Why did he even tell me to come here if he knows what I want more than I do?!?!?

I've ignored that too. If she wants the gifts she can deal with it.

You are over engaging on this issue. Both with him AND your 15 year old.

Tell him one last time that what he chooses to buy his children is HIS issue.
Tell her one last time that you will no longer be involved in ANY discussions about presents with her father. She is welcome to engage with him directly.
No is a complete sentence.

Why won't he buy what she wants? What utterly bizarre behaviour.

Does he have a different version of your DD in his head do you think? One that's pink and girly rather than dark and emo?

I'm not sure if it's because he has a very specific idea of what 15yo girls should be and DC is not it, which might reflect badly on him or if it's that agreeing to buy what I/she says she wants severly limits his opportunity to cause me stress during one of the limited periods I actually interact with him.

It's most likely a mix of both reasons.

It sounds utterly exhausting. Just disengage from the whole bloody mess.

I posted earlier on here about dp's 13 year old refusing to communicate and the issue is she is happy to communicate what she wants to her mum but neither her or her mum will tell us what she wants.

So I've had to make an educated guess and hope that what we've got her is going to be ok. (Make up box with lots of make up - hoodie of a band she loves, 3 cds of band she loves). In previous years her mum used to send us an amazon wish list of things no one else was getting her which was brilliant. It's really hard now because as you know, all teen girls are different. DSD is still trying to work out what sort of style she wants to go with so have gone for neutral make up and got lots of brushes, wipes, nail stuff and hope I've done ok. Dp is relieved that I know what to buy although he's still baffled over primer and thinks it's something to do with redecorating the bathroom!