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Original poster

Helping my dad come to terms with my pregnancy

68 replies

Confuseddragonfish · 29/11/2016 21:15

Yesterday I found out I am 12 weeks pregnant.
It was unplanned, DP and I were were using contraception. I'm 20 and I currently live with my dad, step mum and siblings. DP is a few years older and lives with his family.However DP and I have been together 4 years and recently got engaged.

So I told my dad and step mum today. My step mum was pretty calm about it. But my dad was really angry and upset about it, he kept saying that I had done it on purpose really and I was wreaking my life. I tried to explain to him that it would be ok. DP has a job and has already been saving for his own place. I also work and I will finish university just before the baby is due.

But my dad is really angry and he said some pretty mean things. In the end DP and I left as my dad wasn't calming down and I figured it would be better to give him space.

He has since text me saying he will never forgive me for throwing away my life.

I feel awful that he has reacted like this. To be honest I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea myself.

I'm not sure how to approach my dad now and how to make him see that I can make this work.

OP posts:
Marilynsbigsister · 01/12/2016 20:09

I think if you lived together and therefore showed you could support yourselves with rent/bills etc then your father would be less upset. As it is you are reliant on him.
How will you move in to a new property together and support those costs PLUS a baby, when you aren't able to do that at the moment on two salarys ? You are a uni student with a hugely competitive workplace in front of you. Hard enough once you are graduated. An added child will make life so much more difficult.
This is the stuff your dad is thinking about.

Cut him some slack. He is devastated. He has tried to do his best by you without your mum for years. (I'm sure your sm has been great but he's your dad, - it's different) He knows this isn't the best thing for you. He knows the odds are stacked against you. He knows that if you weren't having a baby the chances of you getting into your chosen field, getting paid (and keeping ) money from your work as savings for a property - not to mention the time and opportunity to enjoy your life are VASTLY better than if you have a baby now.

If I were him I would feel just as devastated. But would respect your decision, however I would ask you to move out and support yourself if that were your choice.
I would not be mean. I would respect your decision. I would not facilitate it by providing the roof that allowed you to make such a decision.

NiceFalafels · 01/12/2016 23:28

Is he wanting you to abort? His texts are very odd

HerOtherHalf · 01/12/2016 23:44

Wtaf marlin. I hope to hell you are not a parent and don't plan on being one anytime soon. People make mistakes, have accidents, fail to plan ahead or see the potential consequences of their actions- children and young adults especially. As parents our role is to support our kids when they hit one of lifes many bumps in the road, not cast them out and cut off our support. The OP is pregnant now, what's done is done, unless you're suggesting she should terminate just to appease her father.

Iflyaway · 01/12/2016 23:57

Well, if you are still living at home and pregnant I can imagine he is worried about the future. Have you considered that he may not appreciate having a baby in the house?

In his eyes, you have it all the wrong way round. Own living space and then children. I get it.

But yea, life is not the smooth path we want it to be. He will come round and love that little baby.

Congratulations. Hope it all works out for you.

Iflyaway · 02/12/2016 00:07

I think Marilyn makes a very good point actually, Her Other Half.

Life is not a bed of roses and it's best to get your ducks in order before starting a family.

And who the hell are you to judge her on her ideas of the best way forward in motherhood?

Life does not magically get better on giving birth! In fact, it can be an escape for those not ready to take on the responsibility for their own life.

corythatwas · 02/12/2016 00:32

Some posters seem to have missed the fact that the OP will have graduated by the time the baby is born and that she and her boyfriend (who is further along the career path) are making plans about moving out and together.

KERALA1 · 02/12/2016 05:17

You definitely need to move out immediately. If you go through with this plan looks like you are on your own. Agree Marilyn makes good points

honkawonka · 02/12/2016 05:37

Same reaction from my father , ended up having to tell him next to the lettuces in Sainsbury's as he screened all my phone calls and I ran into him by chance. He just walked off straight away and told me that I was disgusting etc. Haven't heard from him since regarding DS (14 months) and we live less than 6 miles apart.
He told me constantly how he wished he'd had son not a daughter and how much he hated me though so does explain some of the backstory that a PP was saying about views about this kind of thing.

Original poster
Confuseddragonfish · 02/12/2016 07:24

I know it's not great. I wanted to travel and have a job and get married before I had kids but it just hasn't happened that way and I can't really change it.
I will be moving out as soon as possible, I actually haven't been home since I told him because I'm trying to give him as much space as possible.

I will say that DP earns an ok wage and we haven't moved in together sooner because we were trying to save to make sure we were in the best position to buy our own place. I do pay dad rent etc.

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 02/12/2016 13:51

Unless your dp is as much of a bully as your father - I would say this is good news. I am pretty horrified at the way your own father speaks to you - pretty blooming vile quite frankly.

Andbabymakesthree · 02/12/2016 13:56

I'd be telling him to quit the negativity and stop trying to control your life!

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 02/12/2016 18:30

I would consider contacting your Step Mum and asking her to intervene. If she can stop him being so negative and stop with all the 'ruining your life' crap that would go a long way.

It needs to be pointed out to him (and not necessarily by the OP) that things cannot be unsaid and he needs to hold his tongue and keep his worries to himself.

And finally, CONGRATULATIONS Flowers

skyyequake · 02/12/2016 19:51

Hey OP! Congrats in your pregnancy!! I just wanted to chime in because I fell pregnant at 20 too Smile I had DD a week after my 21st birthday and now I'm 22 with a nearly 18 month old... I was lucky in that my dad was very supportive (I'm NC with my mum), his words to me were that he was slightly disappointed and it wasn't the way he would have wanted me to do things, but it's my life and he'll always be there to support me... And that I had better get myself back into education once DD was old enough! The next thing he did was berate me for making him a grandad at a young age Grin I'm telling you this so you can see that it's not your fault how your dad reacted and that there is a way he could have expressed himself without being so nasty!

I also wanted to let you know that although being a parent young is immensely difficult, it is also entirely possible, rewarding and not the end of your life! Unfortunately my now-ex turned out to be an abusive wanker, but even on my own I wouldn't trade my DD for anything... She has bought out the best in me and I've found strength in myself that I didn't know I was capable of. She has forced me to mature and increased my confidence in myself. It can really bring out the best in you if you let it! Plus you'll be in a much better position than I was by being able to finish your degree before birth.

Hopefully your dad will come around and you'll probably find he'll melt when the baby comes and he starts being called grandpa or similar! If not, well I know it sucks but you can still do this! It's not ruined your life and it is your life to live as you please. It won't be easy, but it never is. It will, however, have such joyous moments that make all the hardship worth it!

Good luck with everything and congratulations again Flowers

lalalalyra · 02/12/2016 20:52

Life is not a bed of roses and it's best to get your ducks in order before starting a family.

That's fair enough, and that's what I tell my kids now.

It's most certainly not what I'd be telling my daughter if she'd just told me she was pregnant.

One of the jobs of a parent is to support their child through difficult times. Even if that difficult time is caused by something you don't approve of.

My DS struggled with exams last year because he didn't study enough. When he came and said "I've not done enough" he wasn't told to fuck off and fail because he'd fucked up. He was helped.

i might be upset and disappointed if I thought my DD was missing chances, but if she was pregnant and she wanted to have the baby then she'd never bloody know it.

Congratulations OP. I was 22 when my twins were born. I quit unit to have them and a lot of people didn't approve. It wasn't easy, but they're worth it. Good luck!

Original poster
Confuseddragonfish · 03/12/2016 21:09

Thank you for your advice and personal experiences.

My step mum told me that my dad is still upset with me.

However we told DPs grandma today and she was really nice about it.

OP posts:
MotherFuckingChainsaw · 03/12/2016 21:32

Having a babydoesn't ruin your life

That statement alone would piss me off. It's not 1940, women aren't expected to give up their career once they get pregnant. It won't be a walk in the park, but a baby at any age isn't easy.

I had mine as an older mother after doing the supposedly sensible thing getting my ducks in a row career and house wise. I had the most horrendous life threatening complications that would have been highly unlikely had I been younger. It turns out I should have had a baby at 20.

Move out and get on with your life. He might come round he might not, but I think you just have to quietly and calmly prove him wrong .

MotherFuckingChainsaw · 03/12/2016 21:33

Oh, and it's not your job to help him come to terms with the pregnancy. He is a grown up. That's his job.

YetAnotherGuy · 03/12/2016 23:38

He's behaved very badly

I can understand why he might say one or two regrettable things when you first told him. But he should apologise. He needs to grow up and provide you with the support you need

Does he think that no-one is good enough for his little girl? Is that also in play here?

Perhaps you could point out that he's gong to be a grandfather - and that it will be great

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