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Original poster

Helping my dad come to terms with my pregnancy

68 replies

Confuseddragonfish · 29/11/2016 21:15

Yesterday I found out I am 12 weeks pregnant.
It was unplanned, DP and I were were using contraception. I'm 20 and I currently live with my dad, step mum and siblings. DP is a few years older and lives with his family.However DP and I have been together 4 years and recently got engaged.

So I told my dad and step mum today. My step mum was pretty calm about it. But my dad was really angry and upset about it, he kept saying that I had done it on purpose really and I was wreaking my life. I tried to explain to him that it would be ok. DP has a job and has already been saving for his own place. I also work and I will finish university just before the baby is due.

But my dad is really angry and he said some pretty mean things. In the end DP and I left as my dad wasn't calming down and I figured it would be better to give him space.

He has since text me saying he will never forgive me for throwing away my life.

I feel awful that he has reacted like this. To be honest I'm having a hard time getting used to the idea myself.

I'm not sure how to approach my dad now and how to make him see that I can make this work.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 30/11/2016 10:51

I personally wouldn't text anything. Why bother? You're only going to wind yourself up. He'll get there in his own time.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 30/11/2016 10:56

God, I know loads of people who were teen/early 20's parents, they're all in their 30's/40's now with lovely DC (they all went on to have more DC albeit with abit of an age gap) good jobs/careers and have a nice life - seriously it isn't the end of the world (even at the time it might feel like it!). He'll hopefully get used to the idea.

Congratulations Thanks

Original poster
Confuseddragonfish · 30/11/2016 18:35

Thank you for your replies.
Unfortunately my mum died when I was a kid so I don't have her help or support.

I hope he will get there soon.
I don't plan on living with them once the babies born. DP and I were planning to look at getting our own place in the new year anyway.
I don't expect my dad to be responsible for me/the baby I was just hoping he'd be supportive.

OP posts:
Hellochicken · 30/11/2016 18:44

I think as pp said if you are going to text back, just something like

"This has been a complete shock to me and DP but we are going to make the best of it. I will have finished uni by my due date and DP is saving."

Then just show him you can do it! Make sure you are going to all appointments and eating healthily for pregnancy etc. Show him you are still doing your uni work and going to work. Save everything you can.

I really think the emotion/bad reaction was misplaced worry/ fear for you. I'd avoid being emotional with him and expect him to appologise for his reaction soon.

PotteringAlong · 30/11/2016 18:48

Does he know you're not planning on living with them when the baby is born?

topaz22 · 30/11/2016 19:06

i was 21 when i told my parents i was pregnant and my dad didn't act the way i wanted him to either. i was in the same situation - living in their house but with plans to move out. i think he will just be worried about you and how you will cope but that's just what parents do! we have got a house now and my dad couldn't be happier for us. just give him some time Smile

BarbarianMum · 30/11/2016 19:09

I'd give him some time and space to come to terms with it. He probably will once he gets over his shock and fear you've ruined your life.

Original poster
Confuseddragonfish · 30/11/2016 19:21

My dad knows that DP and I plan to moved out anyway.
I did remind him the other day that I would have moved out by the time the baby arrived but he ignored me.

OP posts:
happypoobum · 30/11/2016 21:16

How strange! Do you know why he is behaving in such a way? Does he dislike your DP?
Do you think he never thought you would have children or does he have old fashioned views about being married before having children? Maybe he thinks of himself as too young to be a grandfather?

Whatever it is, it's his problem so I would concentrate on making a lovely life for you and your fiance and the baby. I guess if he continues to be horrible about it you might have to move out sooner rather than later. It's such a shame but we can't control other peoples behaviour, only our own.

Many congratulations Flowers

bluebeck · 30/11/2016 21:22

You're 20, not 12 FFS! His reaction is rather ridiculous. Hopefully he will see how odd and unsupportive he has been and will be quick to apologise and be more supportive.

Could Stepmum be an ally and help bring him to his senses? Do you have any idea why he thinks having a baby is "wrecking your life?" It's pretty bloody insulting really as I am sure he doesn't think having you ruined his life!

Cuttingthecheese · 30/11/2016 21:23

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I was pregnant with my first at 27, it still didn't go down well. My mum actually told me I should 'get rid'. She adores him now more than anything but I still can't forgive her that comment unfortunately. I don't think I ever will.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 30/11/2016 21:30

Don't text back - he only found out today- let him have time to adjust.

I wouldn't be thrilled if DC had DC - and not because it's proof they've had sex - what a bizarre idea - but because I'd prefer them to have worked and somewhere to live first.

Don't worry about him though- he'll come round. How are your dps parents?

flapjackfairy · 30/11/2016 21:37

I thi k it is a massive overreaction tbh. You are hardly a gymslip mum. I dont get the big fuss!

Backingvocals · 30/11/2016 21:37

Sorry to hear this. If its any consolation, my dad gave me the cold shoulder for a few weeks and I was 40 Shock Grin. He's now a devoted Grandfather to my 7yo.

The approach I took was to let him calm down and then told him it was lovely of him to be so concerned for me but that I would be fine. It wasn't lovely of him actually. But it let him get into a better place and we could reconnect from there. It took some doing as I was so angry with him for being such a jerk (he has form) but someone advised me to do it like this and it really defused the situation.

Original poster
Confuseddragonfish · 01/12/2016 17:55

Thank you for replying.
My dad messaged me today saying he is still upset with me and he hopes i know I'm ruining my life already. And he is not telling anyone I'm pregnant yet because he doesn't want anyone else to know and he doesn't want me to tell anyone either.

I don't know why he is so upset about it.
He didn't like my DP initially but he came round and he even gave DP his blessing to ask me to marry him the other month.

I'm hoping my step mum might help him come to terms with it.

OP posts:
happychristmasbum · 01/12/2016 18:12

Ask him if he thinks having you ruined his life.

You can tell whoever you want, he can't dictate that. It appears he still sees you as a little girl he can tell what to do, and of course you being pregnant throws a lot of questions at that.

Just take care of yourself and be happy. If he can't be happy for you then that's his problem really. It does sound as if he doesn't want people knowing he will be a grandfather - is he a vain man?

Topseyt · 01/12/2016 18:21

Tell whoever you want to tell. Tell everyone you know he is going to hide it from too. I would bet that most of them don't react the way he has.

I know someone who reacted that way when his 30 year old daughter became pregnant. She hadn't lived at home for a good few years and was financially independent too.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 01/12/2016 18:26

CongratulationsFlowers

Your dads being massivley unfair. You sound really together anyway. Hopefully he will come round and if hes lucky you will forgive him. Good luck.

sotiredbutworthit · 01/12/2016 18:27

Congratulations! You tell who ever you like! Shout it from the rooftops! Your dad will just have to learn to deal with it. It's your life that you are "ruining" not his. I'm sure he is just concerned for you.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 01/12/2016 18:31

Tell who ever you want.Hmm you have notjing to be ashamed of! I had my first dc at 23 and went on to have 3 more. My pil were non too happy but didn't say too much except Congrats. Its your life.

PeppaAteMySoul · 01/12/2016 18:32

OP I was pregnant at 19 and had my son at 20. My dad also told me I was ruining my life. I told him I wouldn't speak about it with him until he could be respectful of my choices.
It took a while but now 3 years on both my parents are fantastic grandparents who adore my son. My dad has admitted he was wrong, which went a long way in repairing any cracks in our relationship.
Congratulations- give him time and hopefully he will come round too. Flowers

January87 · 01/12/2016 18:40

Hi OP,
My dad had a similar reaction to you when I told him I was pregnant with my first child, I was 21 and DP (now DH) was 29. We had lived together for a year before I got pregnant so I wasn't at home, he blew his top and told me I was ruining my life and how stupid I was etc, he didn't make any comment afterwards but wasn't enthusiastic about the pregnancy at all.

He, of course, loved my daughter when she arrived and was a brilliant grandfather.

After I had my third child (he didn't react the same to the next two pregnancies), he apologised to me for reacting the way he had on my first pregnancy and told me that I was a fantastic mother and hadn't ruined my life that he was just worried about me raising a baby so young and not having lived my life first.

I hope your dad comes round.

kittybiscuits · 01/12/2016 18:44

I would give your Dad some space. No more apologies or explanations. It's clearly a shock for you too. Hopefully he will get his head out of his arse and stop thinking about himself. Congratulations x

dustarr73 · 01/12/2016 19:10

I would not bother texting him back.Hes made his feelings clear.
Is there any chance of staying in your dps for the time being.

Hes ruining a special time for you,dont let him.

aurynne · 01/12/2016 19:58

Who are all these angry fathers who think so lowly of the act of sex, and that after having babies young themselves, consider that babies ruin lives? I think it speaks volumes of how little they respected their own wives and how little they enjoyed their own children.