Please advise how to counter mild passive aggressiveness.

[Boobina]

So DH has a passive aggressive side which drives me nuts. The positive thing is that he acknowledges it, and it embarrasses him, and he tries to be more aware of it. So I can say "that was spectacularly passive aggressive" and he'll say "....yeah, it was a bit...sorry about that...."

But that's not ideal as a way to deal with it, as it feels a bit confrontational to be always pointing out instances so bluntly. Besides who wants to always be wagging the finger and pointing out someone is wrong? Not me.

It also doesn't work when you're seething and instead you hear yourself biting out a snotty comeback which just turns it into an atmosphere.

I'd much prefer to say something that basically punctures the PA behaviour like a balloon without escalating everything. But I have no idea what is the best tone to take!

I find if I'm angered by it, then I just sound angry and unpleasant to my own ears - and I know being forced into the raging harpy role is a classic trap I really refuse to fall into.

So what tone is the most effective to take?

You can't do anything. Pa is about control and until he wants to identify and change it for himself (ie notice his own emotions without you needing to say that was pa) then nothing else will do it.
Any response/non response you give will force him to up the ante because its about controlling you through anger.
He feels entitled to take his anger out on you this way. He has to want to change it for real not just saying ' yes i see it was pa sorry)
That in itself is a pa response from him because you are the one who had to point it out. He didn't care enough to figure it out for himself.
I know this isn't the response you want.

But getting angry is a "parent" response. It tends to elicit a "child" response.

I'm probably contradicting myself but this is key.

Anger has a place in society and it spurs us on to defend or stick up for our rights. If we accepted status quo others would dominate.

But I think it's different in close relationships. And is the pattern played out in families and education. Adult is angry with child. But it's an awful emotion to feel directed towards yourself. So, no, it should be taken out of these situations.

PA has its roots in these scenarios and ways of communication from early on.

I'm reading with interest, thank you. OP my husband has a similar family background and is prone to PA behaviour, occasionally he will open up and be honest and we'll have a good chat, then he slips back.

I ignore it now, and I worry what that's doing to our marriage. I honestly don't care if he is actually upset about something and making digs to try and show me, because if it's important enough he needs to woman up and just fucking tell me, otherwise he can't expect me to give a shit if he doesn't care enough to form a sentence. If our marriage doesn't make it, this will be why.

Also do you challenge his parents siblings if they start on the PA nonsense

I used to, but have given up. It's too institutionalised. It works for them, all is harmony. And all are on Xanax.

Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behaviour of others:
Become aware of how passive aggression operates and try to be understanding towards your partner

Explain to your partner how their behaviour towards you is affecting you. Communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you feel and what you think without using language that will enflame the situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your behaviour” rather than “you’ve done this or that”. 

Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame yourself for the behaviour and reaction of others

Be honest about your part in the situation 

If the aggressive behaviour of others continues to affect you in a negative way, set clear boundaries around yourself – rules for what you will and won’t accept. Stay strong and focused and get on with your life in a positive way.

(From link above) 

Does any of this help op? At the end of the day it is the PA who needs to tackle it. He may need to start by recognising the signs well in himself.

Wilhamena that makes complete sense that he has to self regulate.

However, I would say that it's too far to say in marriage we must always be able to self regulate. Marriage is long and there is so much external trauma in life. We are all capable of slipping up, and there is none amongst us who hasn't had to be challenged on their behaviour at stressful times. I for one would be glad if my partner could check any less than exemplary behaviour in me.

The problem comes when it happens too often, like every day or every other day, and then one increasingly feels under attack and the other feels like the Mood Police.

It's when it's your birthday and your passive aggressive husband buys you an Alexander Armstrong CD (he saw it at Sainsbury's the day before your birthday) and wraps it up for you. Even though he has no idea if you'll like it and knows you have no CD player (and Apple iTunes.). It's his way of communicating: this is how much you mean to me.

And the year before he bought you a Thermos flask cup thing, because he wanted it.

If he's open to changing it he needs to keep reading about it and working on it.

It must be so hard.

That link is fascinating but for unexpected reasons. It turns out that DH is only PA in one way - the Self Pitier.

Thankfully he doesn't do any of the others.

But the Self Pitier is hard enough, cos they were "only trying to be nice/help". And if you don't say thank you before you say anything else they get the hump.

This morning he made me tea. It was too hot. He handed it to me and I said I'll just put it aside for a few minutes as I can see from the steam it's boiling. He plainly heard this as "Fuck you for doing something nice, I'm going to complain about the temperature before I even say thank you"

He made some PA remark and I called him on it and he smiled tightly. And that's when the penny dropped - I hadn't said thank you yet. So I said "But thank you for the tea" and he relaxed. That's all he had wanted. SO WHY DIDN'T HE SAY AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY THANK YOU?? LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!

And the exchange left me confused cos maybe I was wrong to remark on the temperature of the tea? Maybe I should have just said thank you and nothing else?

And then when you say, 'Thank you, but I don't really like that sort of music, perhaps you could get your money back? Unless you want to keep it of course?' he tells you your behaviour is disgraceful and very upsetting and that he thought you might like it.

It's all designed to make you angry.

boob i totally agree but when it becomes a habit that you display pa behaviour and once it's been pointed out you don't take steps to regulate your own behaviour That's when it's a problem.
Anyone can be guilty of displaying pa behaviour, i know i certainly can, but because I'm aware of it i work on the causes and behaviour myself rather than waiting for someone else to always have to point it out.

I should add that I am known for not being able to drink hot tea. It's a running joke I the family that I can still enjoy tea after its been left on a table for 20 mins. So my cordial remark about the temp had some context - it wasn't bitchy or anything.

With the photo yesterday - he was intending us to have an "Awww" moment at this sweet picture. He had taken it and had brought it in to show me so we could look at each other all verklempt at our adorable little family.

Then I ruined it by being all jocular about my double chin and I ruined the moment he had tried to create.

But a normal person would have said "Never mind about your bloody chin - look how adorable we are!" and the moment would have happened.

But instead he ruined it by just walking out, cos I "ruined" it. I was fuming.

This is all very helpful. I am hugely PA. I was brought up never to show any emotion at all, and taught that anger was very wrong. My mother, however, was a very angry person and directed it a lot of that anger at me (but I wasn't allowed to get angry back). Now I have an OH who is also PA and shows no emotion, so we are resolutely polite to one another and rarely have any real conversations at all. I am now understanding why...

Boob he sounds attention seeking? Overly attention seeking? Or very, very sensitive?

Zaphodsotherhead - Aww. That sounds desperately lonely for you both. But at least it's calm (but that may be not enough, is it?). The trouble is that it may not stay like that. As soon as one of you becomes assertive (able to give expression to something that made you angry and you may start expressing the odd boundary/need) the OH will feel totally destablilised.

stiffened the trouble is - it's our normal. For both of us. So neither of us know how to be assertive, so we sit there in our polite and chilly silences.

He's definitely very sensitive. This has advantages - he's very very astute when myself or the kids are out of sorts and is very kind and sympathetic. He can spot someone who needs sensitivity a mile away and will give it as a matter of course.

But the disadvantage is that well.....he's bloody sensitive!

I think I am definitely the tougher nut in this marriage.

(I named a gold fish zaphod as he had a small growth on his neck btw)

The way you've talked about the hot tea incident sounds like you are walking on eggshells around him. You shouldn't have to analyse the way you behave in this much detail.

Zaphodptherhead - Yes, I see it. I think that was us too. We are super polite to one another. My family background is such that I loathe conflict of any kind and always avoided it (though I wasn't PA). I've had pretty intensive therapy over the past year. (And more several years ago.) I was overeating, and occasionally drinking a bit too much. I was stuffing my emotions This was the unhealthy way I was expressing my anger when my needs (which weren't communicated) went unmet.

I feel very much happier in myself. But unfortunately the shift has completely destabilised my marriage. My PA DH has shifted into a higher gear with his PA.

Yika - Yes, I agree. I thought that. Just tell him you are always grateful for the tea, even if you are sometimes too distracted to say it. It's a good way of getting the reach of pettiness covered.

Boob I recognise that in myself actually.

I get sulky when I'm trying to work out if I'm being overly sensitive or have a valid issue to assert.

He is sort of expecting others to be like him, think like him. You described what I'd say though, never mind the double chin, aren't we lovely! But it could also be that he isn't feeling enough sensitivity towards him? Or that his level of feeling is being dismissed? He hasn't worked out how to communicate it though.

There's a balance between being little lord fontleroy and feeling a good level of sensitivity towards yourself.

just ideas - might help.

I'd get annoyed with it though.

boob - could this help him?

www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/Assertiveness.asp

I think it's good for everyone actually, you too in expressing how you feel about it.

I think we are quite different. I'm very frank and come from a family where I was never expected to be meek. We fought and argued and laughed and were very very close. I learnt a lot about healthy conflict - nobody ever got personal or nasty. That said, there were proper arguments where we got seriously pissed off. I can see how thats not for everyone.

I hope frank doesn't translate to rude. I'm a lovely little woman and am frank (I hope) about positive things. He is in no doubt I think he's awesome (cos I do, it's not relevant to this so I haven't mentioned it, but he's a damn good life partner & I'm very satisfied with him in other areas).

That said, I would be stupid not to ponder if I am a bit of a loving little bulldozer. Which is why I'm 2nd guessing if I really was rude about the tea. It wouldn't be considered rude in my family, but I've long since learnt we were more direct than most.

I wouldn't say I walk on eggshells cos I refuse to. But I'm aware sometimes I feel I have to pause and consider how to phrase small criticisms so as not to hurt his feelings or trigger a PA response. Sometimes I make a joke of it, and that's usually effective as he concedes the point without rancour. But what I'm trying to get to is not having to use a good humoured tone.

I am highly aware I want to model healthy exchanges in front of the kids and am still figuring it out.

I suspect it's gonna take a while yet but I'm determined.