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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

STBXH gone mad re first solicitors letter. Second thread

69 replies

TBHhadEnough · 28/11/2016 19:27

I'm shaking and my heart is racing. Fucking Bastard. It's been 6 months post convo. I'm sleeping in the other room. I finally got a letter sent after him putting me off all that time. I warned him. But he's just gone mad saying its aggressive and I'm bullying him and he's vulnerable

He has mh issues and he says that he has protection under the mental health act. I can't do this to him. Blah blah

He has said Alsorts including he will chain himself to the bed if I push him.

Now he wants me to send him an email saying I'm aware of his "illness" in addition to my solicitor knowing so I dunno, he can get his solicitor that he hasn't engaged yet to annilhate my solicitor. He has badgered me for other emails, which I've sent him but it's just getting ridiculous. He's phoned me twice, spoken to DD to say he's not coming home until mum has sent the email blah blah. Unfortunately he has come home and is being super dad right now. He hasn't spoken to me yet but I'm waiting for it. I'm fuming he's brought my DD into it

I got my thread deleted yesterday as I'd put too much detail into it.

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 30/11/2016 14:02

Doesn't matter at all why he assaulted you. He did and he is abusing his children too by assaulting you in front of them. Call the police.

MrsBertBibby · 30/11/2016 14:06

So he goes into another tail spin. So what? Stop trying to manage him, let him learn the consequences of his appalling behaviour.

THirdEeye · 30/11/2016 14:17

Oo l hadn't realised that msBert

I agree, stop trying to manage him. You are separated, you are in the process of divorcing him.....the only person being ^managed manipulated is you.

It's time to put your DC first

ohfourfoxache · 30/11/2016 14:17

So, what? You walk on egg shells to avoid him going into a tailspin?

Call the Police

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 30/11/2016 14:39

And please stop using your dd as a go-between - that is a horrible burden to put on her.

For you DC's sake, and for yours, please do NOT go back to him.

And the other posters are right. Ring the police and report the assault. Look at it this way - if he had assaulted one of the children, you would have called the police at once, wouldn't you? So why do you deserve any less?

Pisssssedofff · 30/11/2016 14:43

You do know what to do, everyone has agreed the correct course of action is to call the police. You aren't now paying a solicitor to run your life, he/she is just doing the paperwork to get your divorced they aren't counsellors.

You need him out that house because right now you are out the house and possession is 9/10th of the law

Joysmum · 30/11/2016 14:50

Sorry to be blunt but he needs to be on the radar of the authorities and going into a tailspin when in that position will start the process towards him getting help, but more importantly you and the kids being safe.

You are trying to divorce and you must try the begin to stop seeing yourself as responsible for his mental health and behaviour. You are the one holding yourself back here.

goddessofsmallthings · 30/11/2016 14:51

Trying to 'do a balancing act' with an unbalanced person is the equivalent of pissing in the wind when it's blowing in your direction.

Even if his mental health issues were such that he lacked mental capacity, which would seem unlikely, this would not be a bar to you divorcing him and he's talking bollocks delusional in claming that he is 'protected' by any mental health act from you exercising your right to institute divorce proceedings against him.

He physically assaulted you in front of your dc and he will do so again unless you take steps to prevent him. If these steps cause him to go into a 'tail spin' they will serve to get him the treatment he needs, be that arrest or section.

How long can you stay with your db and are your dc able to attend school while you/they are away from home?

Pisssssedofff · 30/11/2016 14:54

This is problem - as goddessofsmallthings points out if your kids miss school or go to school and start talking about all this next thing you know you'll have social services knocking the door and then things quickly do get out of control. You just do not need this in your life you really don't. You've got this, your children aren't babies I genuinely cannot understand why you aren't acting in your own best interests

tipsytrifle · 30/11/2016 15:25

You absolutely should call the police with a view to getting him out of the house and getting that non-mol order in place asap. Don't start wondering where he'll go etc you and dd are not safe while he is there. I'd change the locks once he's out and worry about the legality of that later. Buying time is the key here. Police would also be able to advise, as of course will WA.

This is a very urgent situation and is well past appeasement. He has attacked you. You sound like you have as much courage as fear so use the former rather than freeze with the latter. This marriage is done and over.

It might be worth talking to the school about the physical danger and mind warping that's going on. Don't write him any more emails. No contact at all would be a better way. Clearly someone has to be out of there for that to be really do-able but in truth, someone really DOES have to be out of there right now.

tipsytrifle · 30/11/2016 15:26

Obviously I meant dc not just dd ...

Bambamrubblesmum · 30/11/2016 15:35

You need to be aware OP that this is a very dangerous time for you and your children. He's gone into melt down which means his behaviour is completely unpredictable. You cannot guarantee your safety or that of your children. You really need to put some safeguarding measures in place.

Do not cohabit with him anymore. Safety is more important.

All communication should now be via email or text. Do not talk to him directly.

Do not use your daughter as a go between that is potentially damaging for her.

Please go and speak to the Police. He has crossed the line and has physically assaulted you in front of the children which means he is losing self control. He is a danger to you now and must be treated as such.

Maybe things coming to a crisis point will trigger professional intervention that will help him back on the right path.

Please keep yourself safe.

cestlavielife · 30/11/2016 16:43

Get him arrested and stay away from him

If he is o a tailspin it is his issue.
Once you reported him you have a reason not to have dc see him unsupervised.

If police talk to him and he screams at them worse for him not you

You and dc need to stay away from him .
If he denies to pice then still stay away and if he comes banging at door call police again

Stop wavering and make decision to stay away

Original poster

TBHhadEnough · 30/11/2016 18:27

Have reported to police. Will be going in there tomorrow to speak with them. I don't know who can look after the kids but will cross that bridge later. I will updat more later.

I've no intention of using DD as a go between. She tells me stuff I don't ask her.

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 30/11/2016 18:35

Well done OP. Huge step.

Joysmum · 01/12/2016 13:07

I don't even know you but I've just breathed a huge sigh of relief. You're doing the right thing.

ohfourfoxache · 01/12/2016 13:26

Oh I'm so glad- well done

PacificDogwod · 01/12/2016 18:07

Well done for reporting.

Don't for a minute allow him to make you doubt yourself. Whether it was the letter or recording or whatever that 'set him off', it is HIM that chose to behave violently.
I am so glad that you modelling to your children that appeasement is not a healthy relationship tool.

ohfourfoxache · 01/12/2016 18:13

How are you doing?

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