New partner issues with my kids

[peebee1981]

ive been in a committed relationship for 7 months after leaving my nasty ex wife who I have two kids with(6 and 8). My new partner doesn't have any kids. My new partner is really having issues about my past. She says she is jealous when I see the kids and has openly said she wishes I didn't have them. I've got an access plan so we get lots of time together. The ex has been nasty about my new partner which hasn't helped. The new partner wants marriage, kids etc with me and seems really into me. When my kids are mentioned it gets her down. She has met them a few times and was great. Is this something that will get better in time when she spends more time with them ? Is there something I can do to get her over this?

The fact that she buys them things and tries to make things nice for them but doesn't actually want them around is worrying. She's in love with the idea of kids, not the reality.
Being blunt, she has no right to wish your children away, it's very unfair on them. If my DP had said anything like that about my DS when we met I would have run a mile.

Your children must come first. If she can't accept this, get rid.

This is not a good sign. I can only see something like this getting worse. She'll be jealous of your friends, women at work etc
She's already getting upset at the mere mention of your children!
What happens when you have to attend a family function where she isn't invited? School parent/teacher evenings?
I foresee problems.

No way in hell would I ever date anyone who wishes my DS wasn't around. Why on earth anyone would want to is beyond my comprehension.

Is this a reverse?

I'd bet my house as soon as you got married and had kids she'd be telling you not to see yours, that your sole responsibility was to her and her kids only.
When they do come round she will be vile to them. She would be the evil step mother personified. You may well love her. But your kids come 1st and gonads a distinct 2nd!

I'd say leave her.

So you're choosing another nasty woman?

How much time did you spend on your own? Not enough by the sounds of it.

Bin the new girlfriend - she's not a partner, she hates your kids... This is her on BEST behaviour....

I don't ever see this situation getting any better, if I were you I would end the relationship; the children come first in this not her.

Jealously can do some bad things... I hope you make the right decision

Doesn't sound like she is good Step Mum material, does it? Ergo, you have no real future with her.

Ditch her. She can't accept your children and that should be a dealbreaker for you.

Such a woman will turn into the wicked stepmother and she's already expressed her jealousy.

She'll favour any kids you have with her and your kids will become second class citizens and she'll use age /wisdom to manipulate things ... so that you begin to resent your own kids.

I know someone who did just that. So please tell her once and for all that you come as a package.

Why did she get into a relationship with you if she couldnt accept your kids?

Because you've left an abuser, you're probably quite vulnerable ... don't fall into the hands of another woman who isn't that nice.

She sounds horrendous, bin her off

Drop her now.......................she is already showing signs of manipulation.

Oh god this woman is getting such a kicking. I think OP you'd be better posting in "Step parents" as I think you'd find more understanding. I think it's not unusual to feel ambivalent about step children - in fact I think it's the norm, and you don't understand this until you've been in that position. I am a SP but mine are all grown thank god and if I'd seen what was coming I'd have run for the hills. There is so much room for conflict, jealousy, ambivalence, tension etc etc......and yes of course she wishes it was just you two. Yes the children must come first but you are going to have to steer a middle course and I honestly don't feel optimistic that problems are showing themselves already. What ages are the children and what are the contact arrangements? You talk of their "nasty" mother who is being difficult, and the kids are of course stuck in the middle, picking up cues from both sides and this is going to make them insecure.

Oh FGS wake up!
She's not really into you, she wants to control you, to the point that she thinks she can get away with saying 'I wish it was just you & me'. You've heard 'I really love you, so much I want you all to myself' what she has actually said is 'I'm a nasty bitch who would happily sacrifice the relationship between a father and his innocent children just so I can get what I want'.
Fight for your kids & your relationship with them. They need you more than you realise & it's your job to protect them from evil naricissits like your girlfriend. If your ex doesn't like her, consider for a moment that she may have a point.

She sounds horrible. Put your children first and get rid of her. She will only get much.much worse

Get Rid. She is needy. She wants marriage and kids with you after only 7 months? That's creepy. For your own sake, but particularly or the sake of your poor kids, get rid of her.
She would be even worse if she had a child with you. Your older children wouldn't get a look in,. She would make sure that you only her time for your child with her.

So they have all met then. Bit early in the relationship to be meeting.

Yes being a step parent is fraught with everything and then some, but she is stating now she is jealous and wishes it was you two only.

That won't change its how you go about it that will see her either stay or leave.
be there for your children first and foremost.

Like Magic says, I think this woman is getting a hard time. All these LTBs because she has dared to say that she's jealous.

Being with someone who has DCs from a former relationship comes with a whole host of issues, as the step-parenting board shows. Post again on there and you will get a more balanced view.

Of course someone who is openly hostile to your DCs is a no-go, but you say "She has met them a few times and was great." Sounds to me like someone who is trying to do her best in a tricky situation and trying to be honest with you.

If you want to continue in a relationship with her then use her honesty to open up discussions about how things will work in future.

My DP came right out with the whole "my DCs will always come first" business the first time we met. It should go without saying that your DCs are the most important people in your life. That doesn't mean it isn't hard when I can't see him for days because he's spending time with his DCs. I wouldn't necessarily use the word 'jealous' but there is an element of compromise involved in these situations and if someone is feeling resentful but unable to voice this, it's not going to end well.

We both have days when we wish we'd met sooner, that's not trying to erase our pasts, but accepting that life would be simpler if we'd been the ones to get married and have DCs together, rather than having to deal with interfering exes and the guilt of feeling torn between our separate responsibilities.

A few step parents or those who have partners with children have commented here.

I don't understand why you would get into a relationship with a man or woman with children, if you can't accept them or if you are going to be jealous of them.

I'm quite sure it's very challenging, my SIL is a stepmum, but if she resented my niece and nephew or for one minute said she wished they didn't exist, she wouldn't be welcome or liked by my siblings or my parents and my DB would be done with her. As it is she's an amazing stepmum.

The truth is .... when you reach a certain age. ...it's more than likely you'll meet someone with kids from a previous relationship. .... that's just life. It's very unfair and rather foolish to get into a relationship, if your partner's kids are a problem for you.

I've had a couple of friends who were the child the stepmum didn't like. It's very cruel to know your stepmum doesn't like you, even if she doesn't say it outright. You know when your not liked.

Get rid of her!!
My niece has been left with "issues" because her "dad" married a bitch who didn't want to think he had a life before her. He needed to grow a pair but didn't. I have seen the devastation it caused. The bitch even shut the door in DNs face!
Your situation is heading the same way!! Some women should just steer clear of men with kids. Don't be my exBIL!

As a good friend of mine says, "she's not just waving a red flag, she's singing the whole Internationale" - 7 months is still honeymoon time, and she's already resentful: you need to put your children first and accept only a partner who'll accept them.

You need to tell her that your children will always come first and if she can't accept that you need to end it.
On no account have children with her because she will not accept that she is having your third child and that you will be a family of 5. She will treat them differently.
I would get out now- she is very immature.

Honestly I can't get my head around anyone wanting to be with someone who would wish their kids didn't exist or get upset at the mention of them. If a man said that about my daughter I would physically eject them from my home

I would offer the same advice to the opposite sex, drop now, your dcs must come first. I made it very clear to my now dh that I was their mum first and foremost, he absolutely respected that and commented that was right.