When did you introduce children to new partner?

[Tingatingatale]

Hi.

Me and exh separated nine months ago. It was not a good marriage for the last few years and was emotionally abusive. I am not proud of the fact that I met someone in the last month which gave me the courage to leave.

Nine months down the line I have been trying to introduce my children to my new partner (same one). They were happy and excited to meet him before first meeting. Exh then started asking lots of questions and it's been made very comfortable for the children having to answer questions so I've stopped it and asked him to stop coming round. My youngest son is now saying he like him lots but doesn't want him in our house anymore as it upsets his daddy. What a horrible position for a kid to be in

I can't live two separate lives though. He doesn't want to be a second dad. He is just apart of my life and I love him. My kids come first in everything but I can't have my ex control my future as well as my part

Am i being unreasonable?

Everyone will be different on this. I wouldn't of dreamt of doing it, unless I knew they were, all things being equal, going to be in my life for a significant time, as I thought it would be too unsettling. So I waited 18 months but, even then thought it may of been too soon. I'd been divorced nearly 5 years.
You've got to do it when it feels right for you though

How long have you been 'trying to introduce' the OM?
Given that it's only nine months since their family was split up I think it's far too soon to be introducing kids to anyone else.

And it's not about doing what feels right for you. It's about doing what's right for your children.

You don't have to engage with your Ex but I would simply keep your new relationship very separate from your kids for now.

It's not clear how long you have been trying to do this.

9 months isn't very long in terms of the children

Part of the problem here with emotional abuse is that you got out - but the kids still have to see him. So adding in that you cheated on him, left him and now within a year are trying to introduce - whether your ex is a twat or just hurt, it has potential disaster for the kids written on it. The dust needs to settle for the kids and ex to be fair - no he can't and shouldn't control your life - you should not have to stop having a boyfriend, but it's probably ideal to slow down trying to integrate them

I first tried to introduce them a month ago. The children have known for a while since their dad found out and asked to meet him

Way too soon and very disrespectful of your children's grieving process. Sorry. You're caught in a bubble of excitement of new love and sex. Your children have just had their whole world taken apart. Within nine months of this happening is selfish. Lots will say you have to be selfish. I think if you're confident this is a long term thing there is no rush and you can afford (and should) to put your children first.

I actually met my partners girls before we were dating as they were at a mutual friends bbq. His daughter spoke more to me than he did! I don't think that there are hard and fast rules on this but it seems like your ex os still trying to control you despite the fact that you have split up

Nine months in some circumstances would be fine. But nine months after the breakdown of your children's family unit is way too soon. They need time to get used to the massive change in their lives, why would you think it was a good time to throw a new man into the mix? Of course they will be confused and have divided loyalties, how upsetting for them.

How old are the kids? Mine were older and I introduced new partner as a friend at first to see how we all got on, the kids were intrigued to meet him. This was about 6 mths after I moved out. My daughter actually told me to have fun, I held back for over a year trying not to get too deep asking the kids all the time if they were ok with everything, if they weren't I would have cooled it.

I'm going against popular opinion here, it would seem.
If you are no longer with their dad then you need support. EA is insidious and in reality you were probably separate to their dad for a long time.
I doubt your DC are seeing you in bed with your new P, sharing a shower or snogging in the kitchen. More likely you are putting the shopping away, eating meals & going for walks. This is all ok.
Your children need a relationship with you forever - they need to know you are there for them and will always listen to them and their point of view.
HOWEVER you are also a grown up who is entitled to friends and a life outside of them.
Your children will be fine if you are sensitive to their needs.
Good luck.

I introduced the DDs to boyfriend after a few months, but I'd been separated from their Dad for nearly 3 years by then. Boyfriend didn't spend much time with us at first, it started off as just coming round for tea or spending the afternoon together, just so they could get used to each other.

Agree with Teabay. An abusive ex will try their damnedest to continue to control you via the children.

Your children will flourish if they see you happy - building a new and more stable life, which may include a new relationship - and if they get a chance to see how adults who care about one another and each other's children behave.

The thing with this is when would be a good time. Is you ex ever going to be happy with it and make it comfortable for the kids? I bet he won't unless he is loved up.

It wasn't ideal hooking up with someone before you split up though. Really clouds the waters.

Personally I think 9 months is ok

My exh was a nightmare when he found out I had a new partner (continually harassing me) but now he has a girlfriend 'its ok and I should move on'; he didn't like it when I gave him a taste of his own medicine. I just ignore him now.

It's not really relevant how long it is if the kids say they aren't happy about it

My children are 5 and 8. Nothing happened until I moved out.

The only contact they have had with OM is he has come for lunch once and tea twice

But they get upset. So you need to take it more slowly. They are very young and will not really understand this

Like I said, they are the ones now who may take the brunt of their dads anger towards you, so you need to deal with that. Then later down the line, reintroduce

I read again your Op

Is it the same house as you lived as a family?

You son says not in the house. To him that may feel like he's panicking that someone could replace his dad. He needs a lot of reassurance about this. And don't have OM in the house because that's not fair. If kids were like 15 I would be but they are quite little. So it's anxiety.
If you see him with kids it must always be outside the home. I have teens and would never bring a man into our house they don't know. It would be outside the house

*until they are more settled. And I mean, this could take you 2 years to navigate. Don't be impatient. They may hate him for no real reason at times. Or you. My DD1 is a teen and still gets upset about these things (I have a BF they have never met)

Your children have been through enough in under a year. Don't put them through meeting your OM. Date him and keep him separate from your very young children who need putting first for the foreseeable future.

When I was in my mid-thirties, I met two men.

Man A was recently divorced. He had a child. I realised that there was no way in which he wanted me to meet his child. It felt as if he wanted to use me for sex. I dumped him.

Man B was recently divorced. He had two children and wanted me to meet them. I realised that he valued me and wanted me to meet the people he cared about. We have been together for twenty years and my stepchildren regard me as an important part of their lives.

But OP's child has said they're not happy Host so its possibly different. Also did man 2 have primary residency ie was it his childrens 'home'? Or did he have them.at weekends ?

It's too soon. They need to process and strengthen the new unit of you and them.

Honestly and it won't be a popular view but I think it's too soon for you as well.

We had separate rooms for nearly two years and I left emotionally years ago and grieved then. I will not force it. If the children are not ready I will leave it. What I hate is that ex h is causing this

I moved out with the children. I don't live in the family home. Exh does

Well if your children dont see OM they'll be happy and your ex will having nothing to gripe about so for the moment, that works well for everyone. Ps. Been there. Seriously no rush.