When did you introduce children to new partner?

[Tingatingatale]

Hi.

Me and exh separated nine months ago. It was not a good marriage for the last few years and was emotionally abusive. I am not proud of the fact that I met someone in the last month which gave me the courage to leave.

Nine months down the line I have been trying to introduce my children to my new partner (same one). They were happy and excited to meet him before first meeting. Exh then started asking lots of questions and it's been made very comfortable for the children having to answer questions so I've stopped it and asked him to stop coming round. My youngest son is now saying he like him lots but doesn't want him in our house anymore as it upsets his daddy. What a horrible position for a kid to be in

I can't live two separate lives though. He doesn't want to be a second dad. He is just apart of my life and I love him. My kids come first in everything but I can't have my ex control my future as well as my part

Am i being unreasonable?

Well it seems to me that you have:-

a) an ex who told you what to do
b) a child who, for some reason, feels entitled to tell you what to do
c) a whole load of Mumsnetters telling you what to do.

The real question is what do you want to do. If you have found a decent loving man then I don't think you should have to hide him in a cupboards. Being a caring mother doesn't mean having to be a nun.

It's hardly rocket science that after acrimonious splits exes try to use their kids to manipulate their former partner.

The question is whether you can be strong enough to do whatever you decide is right, even if not everybody in the entire world nods their head and says 'Yes of course. I absolutely agree.'

Being strong may include putting down some boundaries for your kids and saying they are not in charge of your life. You are in charge of your life.

That sounds fantastically selfish Host but if it worked for you then who is to say it wouldn't work for OP. Put self first. Job done.

6 months but I had been single for almost 4 years and DD doesn't remember the breakdown of mine and her fathers relationship. She doesn't remember her Dad full stop.

I think you need to take it very slowly given the short period of time since the family unit broke down, they are still dealing with it.

Definitely too soon. You may have checked out of the relationship but for the kids it's all new and they need time. I would wait definitely.

The OP does not clarify that ex has said or done anything out of line, it is assumed. He's asked questions but don't know of what nature or exactly what has prompted DS to feel anxious and insecure. It would be selfish to ignore that which OP has not done

It's not so much telling OP what to do but looking at another angle.

Kids have never known happy mummy and daddy
Haven't seen a loving relationship
Have experienced EA and hostility between parents
Have had to leave their home
Have to witness their fathers feelings
Now have to process a new man

Ex is wrong, totally wrong to show his kids how he feels about OM and about you. But he's possibly an arsehole so you might not be able to actually do a lot about what he says and does. This is where indifference comes in to how he's feeling: also he will meet someone one day and things may subside.

Whether you like ex or not, kids are protective over their parents feelings and DS will feel horribly torn loyalty for liking OM and very guilty. This is why it's too soon. Because he needs to process these feelings and feel safe - that things won't change again. Kids biggest fear is often of change.